An Irish Christian Converts to Islam - “My Heart Was Going to Explode!”
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What was the thing that made you question your beliefs? What was the major challenge you had to face after accepting Islam? If you had a chance to speak to all the non-Muslims in the world, what would you like to say to them? I want to climb to the rooftops and I want to shout it to everyone. And I felt like my chest was going to explode. My heart was going to burst. she put her arms around me and she said, "I'm so sorry for what we did to you when you converted to Islam." I could have done it differently. I could have, you know, been better." I can't tell you. Welcome to our interview. Thanks for accepting our invitation. And who is Batool Al Toma?
And can you tell us briefly about your life? I'm honored and privileged to accept your invitation. Batool Al Toma was born Mary Teresa Goretti in the heart of rural Ireland to a farming family. I'm one of ten children, six girls and four boys, and I was born into a Catholic, practicing Catholic Christian family. I was a very religiously aware young person, as were all my family, because my parents were quite Christian oriented, Catholic actually. So we attended church and we, you know, prayed at home together and so on and so forth. But like all families, you know, as we grew up and as we became more boisterous and obstreperous, we refused to enter into religious activity and so on.
But I kept going to mass and kept going to religious ceremonies and so on. And then I was sent to boarding school when I was about 12 years old, and at boarding school, I began to question things and consider more about the theological aspects of Christianity and Catholicism. And then I spent the next five years just asking questions and being generally disruptive in the religious studies class. What was the thing that made you question your beliefs? I think ideally it was the person of Christ. And you know, obviously from a Catholic perspective, we believed in the Trinity, and the fact that Jesus, Isa (as) was the Son of God or God incarnate. And so that was just a step too far for me.
I couldn't quite work it out in my head. I couldn't quite resolve it in my thoughts. And so, you know, that was one very big stumbling block for me. But just, you know, questioning, you know, the reasons why, the purpose of it all and why I was continuing with it. I mean, obviously, you know, in church, it's very spiritual. It's very quiet. The focus is on God and so on. So that aspect of it was very comforting and I liked it quite a lot. But it still didn't stop the questions and the doubts and the desire to try to find some kind of way forward. When I began to look at other faiths, I wasn't really looking at other faiths in order to convert to another faith.
I was looking at other faiths to try to convince myself of my own faith. So what attracted you to Islam? So I met some Muslims in Ireland, you know, in Ireland at that time, in the late 70s, we had very few foreign people came to Ireland. Ireland was a very insular country at that time. And so when people, foreign people, when you met foreign people, it was actually quite a surprise. And it was nice to be able to talk to people from outside of Ireland itself and hear about their lifestyle and so on, and so forth. So it was quite kind of intriguing, you know. So I met these Malaysian Muslims.
They had come to Dublin to study at the Royal College of Surgeons, and other educational institutions like Trinity College and UCD and those universities and stuff. So I met them purely on a social basis, just enjoying food and sharing food and sitting, talking and playing badminton and, you know, other things. And then I created a kind of a really good relationship with them. And we used to interact socially quite a lot. And I noticed that there was something about them that was quite different from everybody else. Was it at the time of your quest of finding... Yeah, it was, you know, it was during. It was part and parcel of the whole journey for me.
So then I began to frequent going to their places of residence and sitting and chatting and talking. And I began to notice quite a lot in terms of the differences of their approach to life, their respect for each other, their respect for their parents, their focus on their studies, their sense of responsibility, and so on and so forth. And then I started asking them, "What is it? What is this that sort of actually helps you to focus on what it is you're doing, how you behave, everything to do with your lifestyle, your social interactions and so on?" And they started talking to me about Islam. So you became interested and started your own research about Islam?
Yeah, I mean, I became interested, I'm not sure that I was still ready to take on another faith. I was still sort of trying to ... I'm not sure that I was still ready to take on another faith. I was still sort of trying to grasp, grapple with, my own religious upbringing and my beliefs as were given to me by my parents and so on. And, you know, when you come from a family who are very close, very united, I mean, my parents were... I have never met people like my parents. They were the best Muslims I know, but they weren't even Muslim. They were so dedicated to us as children. They were... I'm getting emotional now. They were such wonderful parents. They...
They were so thoughtful and they had a great sense of integrity and humility, and they were trusted and respected in my community. And they really were wonderful people. Yeah, both my parents, my mom and dad. And so what they gave me was, I was halfway to Islam already, or three quarters way to Islam already, from the upbringing I had with them, the way I was socialized, the way I was, the moral and ethical framework that they built around our lives and around the family, and which came directly from them and from their faith and their conviction about their faith and so on. And I still had a great sense of loyalty to my parents and to my religion, my faith and my upbringing.
So I wasn't ready to sort of junk it for something else. So I had to be so careful because I didn't want to hurt them. But actually, in the end, I did end up hurting them deeply. And that is something that I have to live with all my life, even now. I live with the hurt that I caused them, even though they're both dead now. I can't say that I ever really brought the subject up with my parents, in the sense that I discussed Islam with them, but I did try to discuss religion with them, and I had a feeling that they knew there was something going on, but I couldn't come out right and say it, because I knew that they would be so devastated and they would be so hurt.
And obviously, you know, because they lived on a farm and we all lived on a farm, we lived a very sheltered kind of life. So they didn't know anything about Islam. I mean, I didn't know anything about Islam until I met those Muslims. I had no idea it existed. You know, we were all kind of living in this cocoon of tranquility and safety and so on. But yeah, so I continued to learn about Islam and discuss it. And, you know, I started going to the mosque and I started going to the study circle or the classes there. I hadn't made my Shahada, you know, there were other people from other religious backgrounds who came to the mosque to talk about religion.
And I was talking about Islam all the time. So somebody said to me, "But are you a Muslim?" And I said, "No." And they said, "Yeah, but you're talking like a Muslim. You're walking like a Muslim." You know, as they say, if it quacks like a duck, it is a duck. So I began to realize that actually I was more of a Muslim than I was a Catholic. Then, that was the beginning of my journey. What was about Islam that resonated with your heart the most? The fact that the person of Christ was regarded as a Prophet, Isa (as).
That was the biggest step for me because now I could understand him, I could learn about him, I could appreciate his mission, his journey, and I didn't have to, you know, constantly argue with myself and cause this trauma within about trying to come to that understanding. So that was the main thing. And then of course, that God, Allah (swt) was separate from that. You know, I could focus my whole spiritual being on love of God and learning about God and understanding God and the creation and His stewardship over us and His continuous blessings and rejuvenation of life after death and so on and so forth. And I could appreciate, understand and respect Isa (as) as His servant and messenger.
Can you tell us about your final steps into Islam? You know, it was very smooth, really. I mean, I didn't convert to Islam for maybe about three years because I wanted to be very sure of what I was doing. And of course, you know, before you make your conversion to Islam, you really spend every night and day discussing, reading books, talking to people, you know, having debates about things. And actually a lot of that is good. But sometimes you hear some real rubbish from people, you know. So there were lots of things. So there were good conversations and there were conversations that were probably better, had not been had.
And then eventually, you know, because people regarded me as a Muslim, I was fasting, I was praying, I was everything, but I just needed to do that last step, you know? And so I decided I'd just have a little party and I would make my Shahada. And I did, one Friday night in the... We didn't have any mosques in Dublin at the time, so we had nothing. We didn't even have halal meat. This Muslim community that was there was just a transient community, you know, just coming, studying, moving away and so on. So there was no stationary communities in Ireland at the time. So I made my Shahada, and I remember coming out of the, of course, as I said, it wasn't a mosque.
But I remember coming out of the building where we used to meet, the night that I made my Shahada, and I remember thinking to myself, I want to climb to the rooftops and I want to shout it to everyone. And I felt like my chest was going to explode. My heart was going to burst. Now, obviously I didn't know everything about Islam at the time. I was just really, just starting out on a journey. But I knew enough to know that this is where I wanted to be, and I just wanted to, you know, enjoy it from there on in. So the major question now comes to mind. How did your parents react to your conversion? So, not well. I think it's one of disappointment.
It's one of generally speaking, I mean, there are parents who react differently. And I've worked with converts to Islam long enough to know that my story is not the only story that's out there. I mean, with every convert to Islam, there is a story, a different story. I understood their reaction. There was that sense of loss, almost a sense of bereavement. You know that the child is lost. A child is dead almost. So, yeah. So, you know, they were absolutely scared. And of course, why shouldn't they be scared? They were my parents.
That's their prerogative, you know, to be worried, to be scared, to think about their children, to guide them, to hope that they'll do the very best in life and so on. And they have hopes and dreams for you as well. So when you start announcing that you're a convert to Islam of all things, a religion they have no knowledge of, and you're going off on this trajectory here. So they are scared. They knew that I had gone off on some journey that they were not very happy about, or they were... They didn't understand or they were finding difficulty to appreciate. Yeah. When did they finally find out about this? Probably when I got married.
I got married about three years after I converted to Islam. My husband was Iraqi. He passed away six years ago. So we were married and we had four children, one boy, three girls. And they're they're wonderful children, really. I mean, they were a joy to bring up, you know, they were so lovely and I enjoyed so much being a mother. I feel, you know, I feel such a sense of kind of accomplishment, but also, you know, because a huge blessing from Allah, that gave them to me in the first place and that helped me to raise them in the second place. Of course, my parents loved my children. And you see, sometimes this is the problem with us as converts to Islam.
Our parents have a real difficulty accepting Islam from us because it's too close to the bone. But when the grandchildren come, they're a generation apart. And so they will love them and they will give them all halal food, and they will ask them what they want to eat, and they will... And even if my children say, you know, "Oh, I can't eat that, Granny, because it's not halal." My mother would never say to them, "Don't be naughty or don't be rude to Granny." They would say, "Oh, okay, darling, what is it you want?" Whereas if I said the same thing, my mother would probably say to me, "You always eat it, what's the problem with it now?" So there's that.
You have to give them that opportunity, that leeway, you know. And then of course, I came to England to live in the UK when I got married, and then my father passed away two years after I came to the UK. So I didn't manage to reconcile with my father in as much as I would have liked to, and in the sense that he was a man that I respected hugely for his integrity, and his honesty, his truthfulness, his stature, you know, of a man in the community and how he upheld his values, his ethics, his morals. So I really felt so sad that I didn't get the opportunity to reconcile with him. But I often dreamed about him after he passed away.
And I dreamed about him sitting, reading the Quran with my husband. And at one time when, after I'd had my son, I had lost some babies in the early stage of their gestation. And then I was expecting another baby, and I was really scared that I might lose it again. And I had a big dream from my father, and I dreamt that he came and he put his hand on my shoulder and he said, "Don't worry, it's going to be okay this time." And I told my mother, because my mother wanted me to travel to Ireland to see her. And I had told her that I was expecting a baby.
And she said, "No, please don't come, because I don't want to be responsible for you losing this child as well." And I said to her, "It's okay, mom, I'm coming." And she said, "No, please, I don't want to, It scares me that you might lose the baby." And I said, "No, I know that everything's going to be okay this time." Because I'd had the dream and I said to her, "I'll talk to you about it when I come home." And so I went home, and my daughter Aliya was born later. So then my mother and I reconciled and we had a very good relationship. And before she passed away, because we knew she was going to die, she had cancer.
And before she passed away, I wrote a very long letter to her for her birthday on the year, the same year that she passed away. And I told her that, you know, I didn't feel that there was any gift I could give her that would respect her to the extent that I wanted to respect her, but that I wanted to write her this letter, and I wanted to seek her forgiveness for what I'd done, and how it had hurt her and my dad. And I sent the letter to her and I sought her forgiveness and everything like that. And she was so forgiving. And she said to me, you know, "You don't even have to ask for forgiveness.
You know, you are my child and I love you, really." And then before she passed away, just a few days before she passed away, I was with her in her room. And she was lying in bed and I laid next to her, and even though she was really ill and she'd lost a lot of weight and she was very frail, she put her arms around me and she said, "I'm so sorry for what we did to you when you converted to Islam." And I said, "You know, mom, I could have done it differently.
I could have, you know, been better." But she said, "I'm so sorry." And, you know, "I do, you know, apologise for what we did to you." And she said, "I'm so proud of you, for who you are and for your children and how you're bringing them up and everything." Was there an extraordinary event that you experienced, that you felt really close to Allah? You felt there was a special connection to Allah? Was it a particular event, and when was it? It was the first time I went on Hajj or on Umrah. Iwent on my first Umrah in 1995, and then I went in 97 and 99 and I took converts to Islam with me. And it was like finding home. This was my home now. My parents were gone.
Well, my parents were still alive. My mom was still alive in 95, 97, 99. And then I went on Hajj in the year 2000. Every time I went on a Hajj, I took about 25 converts to Islam. And the first time that I went on Hajj, somebody said to me, "Why are you going?" "Why are you going on Hajj?" And I said, "I'm going because I'm taking some converts to Islam with me." And I didn't think about it beyond that, you know, because I was organizing it and I was very busy with the, you know, making sure everything was okay. And then my mom passed away just before I went on Hajj. And I never realized how important it was to me until then. And I felt like I was an orphan.
I felt like I had nobody left on this earth to care for me, like my parents had cared for me. I felt like I had nobody left on this earth, actually, even to pray for me. And that was a very sobering thought. And I was... And I performed the Hajj and the Hajj that became one of organization and planning, and everything became a Hajj of need and necessity. It was a kind of a journey for me, of empathy and trying to bring comfort to my heart. Because of the loss of my mom. And I have gone on Hajj every year since then. And what impressed you the most about our Prophet (saw)? Oh my God, really? I can't tell you. Really, Subhanallah. I love Him so much. I can't tell you how much. Really, I...
I look forward to every time we would go on Hajj to go into the Rawdah, to go into His grave, to greeting Him, to take in everybody else's greeting with me. Subhanallah. What is there to say? I mean, He really is the greatest of beings and the noblest of beings, the most blessed of beings, the Habibullah, Rasulullah (saw). I mean, what can I say? You know, I, when... You know, we don't hear enough stories about the Prophet (saw). And the little stories like He did, and He said, and like the woman who used to sweep the mosque and then suddenly she was gone and He said, "Where is this woman," you know?
And they said, "Oh, Rasulullah, she passed away." And He said, "What?" He said, "No one told me she passed away. Why didn't someone tell me?" And He said, "Oh, but she was just the one who swept the mosque." And oh, He didn't realize it. So He went to her grave and He stood and He prayed for her. And He said to her, "If I had known, I would have led your janaza, I would have read you the Salah. I would have walked with your burial, and I would have stood by while you were being buried." And then a few days, nights later, He had a dream about her, and He dreamt that she was in Jannat al-Firdaus and she was sweeping in Jannat al-Firdaus.
And He went and He told the Sahaba, He said, "Allah has been so pleased with her here on this earth that she was sweeping and looking after the masjid, that He has given her the same duty in Jannat al-Firdaus. If you had a chance to speak to all the non-Muslims in the world, what would you like to say to them in one minute? You're missing a trick. You're missing something so amazing, you know, just give it a go. Just come in, come in. Welcome. Come as you are to Islam as it is, you don't need to do anything. If you are drinking alcohol, fine. Come, come. Come in. Enjoy. You know, listen. Sit. Hear what it has to say. And then if you don't like it, fine, go upon your way.
But I know that if you come in and you hear, and you open your heart and you listen, you may go, but you'll come back. You may go, but you won't go far. Yeah, you will come back, Inshallah.
And can you tell us briefly about your life? I'm honored and privileged to accept your invitation. Batool Al Toma was born Mary Teresa Goretti in the heart of rural Ireland to a farming family. I'm one of ten children, six girls and four boys, and I was born into a Catholic, practicing Catholic Christian family. I was a very religiously aware young person, as were all my family, because my parents were quite Christian oriented, Catholic actually. So we attended church and we, you know, prayed at home together and so on and so forth. But like all families, you know, as we grew up and as we became more boisterous and obstreperous, we refused to enter into religious activity and so on.
But I kept going to mass and kept going to religious ceremonies and so on. And then I was sent to boarding school when I was about 12 years old, and at boarding school, I began to question things and consider more about the theological aspects of Christianity and Catholicism. And then I spent the next five years just asking questions and being generally disruptive in the religious studies class. What was the thing that made you question your beliefs? I think ideally it was the person of Christ. And you know, obviously from a Catholic perspective, we believed in the Trinity, and the fact that Jesus, Isa (as) was the Son of God or God incarnate. And so that was just a step too far for me.
I couldn't quite work it out in my head. I couldn't quite resolve it in my thoughts. And so, you know, that was one very big stumbling block for me. But just, you know, questioning, you know, the reasons why, the purpose of it all and why I was continuing with it. I mean, obviously, you know, in church, it's very spiritual. It's very quiet. The focus is on God and so on. So that aspect of it was very comforting and I liked it quite a lot. But it still didn't stop the questions and the doubts and the desire to try to find some kind of way forward. When I began to look at other faiths, I wasn't really looking at other faiths in order to convert to another faith.
I was looking at other faiths to try to convince myself of my own faith. So what attracted you to Islam? So I met some Muslims in Ireland, you know, in Ireland at that time, in the late 70s, we had very few foreign people came to Ireland. Ireland was a very insular country at that time. And so when people, foreign people, when you met foreign people, it was actually quite a surprise. And it was nice to be able to talk to people from outside of Ireland itself and hear about their lifestyle and so on, and so forth. So it was quite kind of intriguing, you know. So I met these Malaysian Muslims.
They had come to Dublin to study at the Royal College of Surgeons, and other educational institutions like Trinity College and UCD and those universities and stuff. So I met them purely on a social basis, just enjoying food and sharing food and sitting, talking and playing badminton and, you know, other things. And then I created a kind of a really good relationship with them. And we used to interact socially quite a lot. And I noticed that there was something about them that was quite different from everybody else. Was it at the time of your quest of finding... Yeah, it was, you know, it was during. It was part and parcel of the whole journey for me.
So then I began to frequent going to their places of residence and sitting and chatting and talking. And I began to notice quite a lot in terms of the differences of their approach to life, their respect for each other, their respect for their parents, their focus on their studies, their sense of responsibility, and so on and so forth. And then I started asking them, "What is it? What is this that sort of actually helps you to focus on what it is you're doing, how you behave, everything to do with your lifestyle, your social interactions and so on?" And they started talking to me about Islam. So you became interested and started your own research about Islam?
Yeah, I mean, I became interested, I'm not sure that I was still ready to take on another faith. I was still sort of trying to ... I'm not sure that I was still ready to take on another faith. I was still sort of trying to grasp, grapple with, my own religious upbringing and my beliefs as were given to me by my parents and so on. And, you know, when you come from a family who are very close, very united, I mean, my parents were... I have never met people like my parents. They were the best Muslims I know, but they weren't even Muslim. They were so dedicated to us as children. They were... I'm getting emotional now. They were such wonderful parents. They...
They were so thoughtful and they had a great sense of integrity and humility, and they were trusted and respected in my community. And they really were wonderful people. Yeah, both my parents, my mom and dad. And so what they gave me was, I was halfway to Islam already, or three quarters way to Islam already, from the upbringing I had with them, the way I was socialized, the way I was, the moral and ethical framework that they built around our lives and around the family, and which came directly from them and from their faith and their conviction about their faith and so on. And I still had a great sense of loyalty to my parents and to my religion, my faith and my upbringing.
So I wasn't ready to sort of junk it for something else. So I had to be so careful because I didn't want to hurt them. But actually, in the end, I did end up hurting them deeply. And that is something that I have to live with all my life, even now. I live with the hurt that I caused them, even though they're both dead now. I can't say that I ever really brought the subject up with my parents, in the sense that I discussed Islam with them, but I did try to discuss religion with them, and I had a feeling that they knew there was something going on, but I couldn't come out right and say it, because I knew that they would be so devastated and they would be so hurt.
And obviously, you know, because they lived on a farm and we all lived on a farm, we lived a very sheltered kind of life. So they didn't know anything about Islam. I mean, I didn't know anything about Islam until I met those Muslims. I had no idea it existed. You know, we were all kind of living in this cocoon of tranquility and safety and so on. But yeah, so I continued to learn about Islam and discuss it. And, you know, I started going to the mosque and I started going to the study circle or the classes there. I hadn't made my Shahada, you know, there were other people from other religious backgrounds who came to the mosque to talk about religion.
And I was talking about Islam all the time. So somebody said to me, "But are you a Muslim?" And I said, "No." And they said, "Yeah, but you're talking like a Muslim. You're walking like a Muslim." You know, as they say, if it quacks like a duck, it is a duck. So I began to realize that actually I was more of a Muslim than I was a Catholic. Then, that was the beginning of my journey. What was about Islam that resonated with your heart the most? The fact that the person of Christ was regarded as a Prophet, Isa (as).
That was the biggest step for me because now I could understand him, I could learn about him, I could appreciate his mission, his journey, and I didn't have to, you know, constantly argue with myself and cause this trauma within about trying to come to that understanding. So that was the main thing. And then of course, that God, Allah (swt) was separate from that. You know, I could focus my whole spiritual being on love of God and learning about God and understanding God and the creation and His stewardship over us and His continuous blessings and rejuvenation of life after death and so on and so forth. And I could appreciate, understand and respect Isa (as) as His servant and messenger.
Can you tell us about your final steps into Islam? You know, it was very smooth, really. I mean, I didn't convert to Islam for maybe about three years because I wanted to be very sure of what I was doing. And of course, you know, before you make your conversion to Islam, you really spend every night and day discussing, reading books, talking to people, you know, having debates about things. And actually a lot of that is good. But sometimes you hear some real rubbish from people, you know. So there were lots of things. So there were good conversations and there were conversations that were probably better, had not been had.
And then eventually, you know, because people regarded me as a Muslim, I was fasting, I was praying, I was everything, but I just needed to do that last step, you know? And so I decided I'd just have a little party and I would make my Shahada. And I did, one Friday night in the... We didn't have any mosques in Dublin at the time, so we had nothing. We didn't even have halal meat. This Muslim community that was there was just a transient community, you know, just coming, studying, moving away and so on. So there was no stationary communities in Ireland at the time. So I made my Shahada, and I remember coming out of the, of course, as I said, it wasn't a mosque.
But I remember coming out of the building where we used to meet, the night that I made my Shahada, and I remember thinking to myself, I want to climb to the rooftops and I want to shout it to everyone. And I felt like my chest was going to explode. My heart was going to burst. Now, obviously I didn't know everything about Islam at the time. I was just really, just starting out on a journey. But I knew enough to know that this is where I wanted to be, and I just wanted to, you know, enjoy it from there on in. So the major question now comes to mind. How did your parents react to your conversion? So, not well. I think it's one of disappointment.
It's one of generally speaking, I mean, there are parents who react differently. And I've worked with converts to Islam long enough to know that my story is not the only story that's out there. I mean, with every convert to Islam, there is a story, a different story. I understood their reaction. There was that sense of loss, almost a sense of bereavement. You know that the child is lost. A child is dead almost. So, yeah. So, you know, they were absolutely scared. And of course, why shouldn't they be scared? They were my parents.
That's their prerogative, you know, to be worried, to be scared, to think about their children, to guide them, to hope that they'll do the very best in life and so on. And they have hopes and dreams for you as well. So when you start announcing that you're a convert to Islam of all things, a religion they have no knowledge of, and you're going off on this trajectory here. So they are scared. They knew that I had gone off on some journey that they were not very happy about, or they were... They didn't understand or they were finding difficulty to appreciate. Yeah. When did they finally find out about this? Probably when I got married.
I got married about three years after I converted to Islam. My husband was Iraqi. He passed away six years ago. So we were married and we had four children, one boy, three girls. And they're they're wonderful children, really. I mean, they were a joy to bring up, you know, they were so lovely and I enjoyed so much being a mother. I feel, you know, I feel such a sense of kind of accomplishment, but also, you know, because a huge blessing from Allah, that gave them to me in the first place and that helped me to raise them in the second place. Of course, my parents loved my children. And you see, sometimes this is the problem with us as converts to Islam.
Our parents have a real difficulty accepting Islam from us because it's too close to the bone. But when the grandchildren come, they're a generation apart. And so they will love them and they will give them all halal food, and they will ask them what they want to eat, and they will... And even if my children say, you know, "Oh, I can't eat that, Granny, because it's not halal." My mother would never say to them, "Don't be naughty or don't be rude to Granny." They would say, "Oh, okay, darling, what is it you want?" Whereas if I said the same thing, my mother would probably say to me, "You always eat it, what's the problem with it now?" So there's that.
You have to give them that opportunity, that leeway, you know. And then of course, I came to England to live in the UK when I got married, and then my father passed away two years after I came to the UK. So I didn't manage to reconcile with my father in as much as I would have liked to, and in the sense that he was a man that I respected hugely for his integrity, and his honesty, his truthfulness, his stature, you know, of a man in the community and how he upheld his values, his ethics, his morals. So I really felt so sad that I didn't get the opportunity to reconcile with him. But I often dreamed about him after he passed away.
And I dreamed about him sitting, reading the Quran with my husband. And at one time when, after I'd had my son, I had lost some babies in the early stage of their gestation. And then I was expecting another baby, and I was really scared that I might lose it again. And I had a big dream from my father, and I dreamt that he came and he put his hand on my shoulder and he said, "Don't worry, it's going to be okay this time." And I told my mother, because my mother wanted me to travel to Ireland to see her. And I had told her that I was expecting a baby.
And she said, "No, please don't come, because I don't want to be responsible for you losing this child as well." And I said to her, "It's okay, mom, I'm coming." And she said, "No, please, I don't want to, It scares me that you might lose the baby." And I said, "No, I know that everything's going to be okay this time." Because I'd had the dream and I said to her, "I'll talk to you about it when I come home." And so I went home, and my daughter Aliya was born later. So then my mother and I reconciled and we had a very good relationship. And before she passed away, because we knew she was going to die, she had cancer.
And before she passed away, I wrote a very long letter to her for her birthday on the year, the same year that she passed away. And I told her that, you know, I didn't feel that there was any gift I could give her that would respect her to the extent that I wanted to respect her, but that I wanted to write her this letter, and I wanted to seek her forgiveness for what I'd done, and how it had hurt her and my dad. And I sent the letter to her and I sought her forgiveness and everything like that. And she was so forgiving. And she said to me, you know, "You don't even have to ask for forgiveness.
You know, you are my child and I love you, really." And then before she passed away, just a few days before she passed away, I was with her in her room. And she was lying in bed and I laid next to her, and even though she was really ill and she'd lost a lot of weight and she was very frail, she put her arms around me and she said, "I'm so sorry for what we did to you when you converted to Islam." And I said, "You know, mom, I could have done it differently.
I could have, you know, been better." But she said, "I'm so sorry." And, you know, "I do, you know, apologise for what we did to you." And she said, "I'm so proud of you, for who you are and for your children and how you're bringing them up and everything." Was there an extraordinary event that you experienced, that you felt really close to Allah? You felt there was a special connection to Allah? Was it a particular event, and when was it? It was the first time I went on Hajj or on Umrah. Iwent on my first Umrah in 1995, and then I went in 97 and 99 and I took converts to Islam with me. And it was like finding home. This was my home now. My parents were gone.
Well, my parents were still alive. My mom was still alive in 95, 97, 99. And then I went on Hajj in the year 2000. Every time I went on a Hajj, I took about 25 converts to Islam. And the first time that I went on Hajj, somebody said to me, "Why are you going?" "Why are you going on Hajj?" And I said, "I'm going because I'm taking some converts to Islam with me." And I didn't think about it beyond that, you know, because I was organizing it and I was very busy with the, you know, making sure everything was okay. And then my mom passed away just before I went on Hajj. And I never realized how important it was to me until then. And I felt like I was an orphan.
I felt like I had nobody left on this earth to care for me, like my parents had cared for me. I felt like I had nobody left on this earth, actually, even to pray for me. And that was a very sobering thought. And I was... And I performed the Hajj and the Hajj that became one of organization and planning, and everything became a Hajj of need and necessity. It was a kind of a journey for me, of empathy and trying to bring comfort to my heart. Because of the loss of my mom. And I have gone on Hajj every year since then. And what impressed you the most about our Prophet (saw)? Oh my God, really? I can't tell you. Really, Subhanallah. I love Him so much. I can't tell you how much. Really, I...
I look forward to every time we would go on Hajj to go into the Rawdah, to go into His grave, to greeting Him, to take in everybody else's greeting with me. Subhanallah. What is there to say? I mean, He really is the greatest of beings and the noblest of beings, the most blessed of beings, the Habibullah, Rasulullah (saw). I mean, what can I say? You know, I, when... You know, we don't hear enough stories about the Prophet (saw). And the little stories like He did, and He said, and like the woman who used to sweep the mosque and then suddenly she was gone and He said, "Where is this woman," you know?
And they said, "Oh, Rasulullah, she passed away." And He said, "What?" He said, "No one told me she passed away. Why didn't someone tell me?" And He said, "Oh, but she was just the one who swept the mosque." And oh, He didn't realize it. So He went to her grave and He stood and He prayed for her. And He said to her, "If I had known, I would have led your janaza, I would have read you the Salah. I would have walked with your burial, and I would have stood by while you were being buried." And then a few days, nights later, He had a dream about her, and He dreamt that she was in Jannat al-Firdaus and she was sweeping in Jannat al-Firdaus.
And He went and He told the Sahaba, He said, "Allah has been so pleased with her here on this earth that she was sweeping and looking after the masjid, that He has given her the same duty in Jannat al-Firdaus. If you had a chance to speak to all the non-Muslims in the world, what would you like to say to them in one minute? You're missing a trick. You're missing something so amazing, you know, just give it a go. Just come in, come in. Welcome. Come as you are to Islam as it is, you don't need to do anything. If you are drinking alcohol, fine. Come, come. Come in. Enjoy. You know, listen. Sit. Hear what it has to say. And then if you don't like it, fine, go upon your way.
But I know that if you come in and you hear, and you open your heart and you listen, you may go, but you'll come back. You may go, but you won't go far. Yeah, you will come back, Inshallah.