"As if God was Saying to Me: I am Here" - British Atheist's Emotional Conversion to Islam!
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I would actually consider myself to have been an atheist. You know, as I said, I would turn to God in times of desperation. I remember getting a phone call one day. Somebody said to me, you know, "You need to go down to your dad's flat!" I tried to go in to the flat, and they wouldn't let me go in. It.... Sorry. They pulled out a knife. And so, the fight began. They stabbed him in his arm. They stabbed him in his leg three or four times and they stabbed him in his heart. He'd been stabbed eight times. I went home that night. Started crying, I think it just all got too much. And I can remember the uncle's voice in my head, saying "Just turn to Allah.
Anything Allah wants to do he can do." I just, literally, spoke to Allah and I didn't know who Allah was. But I can remember just saying, you know, "Allah, take the pain away." Something just changed that day. And I can remember completely stopping crying. I felt like Allah was saying to me, like, "Don't worry, I'm here." Assalamu alaikum sister Aysha Mercedes. As Towards Eternity, we're very happy to have you with us. I want to start with who is Aysha Mercedes, can you tell us briefly about your life? Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. Jazakallah khayran for inviting me. It's a pleasure to be here. I was born and raised in London, and at the age of 12 I moved over to Essex.
I am mixed-race. I'm half-Jamaican and half-English. So, my mom's family were kind of Catholic but there was no religion practiced at all in my household. I would have had the belief system of God, but no specific religion. However, when I got to a certain point, I would have identified as a Christian but I believed that I was an atheist. So I accepted Islam 13 years ago and since then I've been involved in community work, volunteering, television presenting and podcasting. How was your life in regards to faith? Can you tell us about your religious background? So, I was aware of religion. But it wasn't practiced in my direct household. So my dad had no religious tendencies whatsoever.
But with my mom's mom, she had, like, statues of Mary in the household. And sometimes she'd use, like, religious terms, like mention, like, Mary or Jesus. I would actually consider myself to have been an atheist. You know, as I said, I would turn to God in times of desperation. So although I didn't really have a connection with God, I didn't really believe in God, I think a lot of us turn to God when we're in a very difficult... So like, "God, if you're listening, please, you know, help me out of this situation." So that was my, kind of, relationship with God. But other than that, there was no connection. So what didn't make sense to you in Christianity?
There was questions I didn't know the answer to. And I really struggled with the concept of Jesus being the son of God. If God's sort of all-powerful and almighty, why... Why does... What... The concept of why does Jesus need to die for our sins? Why does Jesus... Why do we need to pray to Jesus? That concept, to me, was bizarre. I couldn't understand it. So I can remember asking questions and I can remember being, kind of, shut down and kind of told that I shouldn't be asking questions. They didn't so much get angry, but they kind of... Like, it was dismissed. I was dismissed.
So interestingly, when I became Muslim and I started to get an understanding of the religion all of my questions were answered. Allah says in the Quran, "Kun fa-yakūnu." "Be and it will be." So I understood that to mean that Allah doesn't need any partners. Allah doesn't need a son in order for us to worship him. So coming from, you know, not having my questions answered in the church and really feeling like it didn't make sense, to reading the Quran and Allah's words, and understanding the truth that Allah doesn't need any partners and Allah is the one to be worshiped made complete sense to me. I want to learn how your journey to Islam began.
What happened that you started considering Islam? Some of the things that I went through in my childhood were really difficult. My dad was paranoid schizophrenic. And so, the reason why I actually left London was to run away from my dad. The first school that I went to in London, I was bullied because I was mixed-race. So I kept running away from school and my mom told me, "Don't tell your dad." And I told my dad. My dad reacted in a very, very aggressive, very scary way. So he was shouting, "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me?" Screaming and shouting in the middle of the road outside my nan's house. And that night we packed up and left to move to Essex.
When I moved to Essex at the age of 12, I was the only female of color in my whole school. So, everybody else was white and that was difficult. I remember actually getting expelled from school in the end, because one of my friends, who was supposed to be a close friend of mine, had actually said some racist things towards me. And that was what it was like. That wasn't the first time something like that had happened. I had friends that I would kind of hang around with that then, you know, turned on me and attacked me. And I really felt like it was because I just didn't fit in, I wasn't white, and I was kind of seen as, like, a target. And I would be made fun of, even the way I spoke.
I'd be made fun of because I had a London accent, and the Essex accent is very different to the London accent, so even that would be picked on. So I always felt very much, like, I was on the outside looking in. I feel like I've pretty much been with the street kids, on the streets from the age of about 15. And that's kind of where I felt I've fit in. With the street kids, there was lots of other kids that had grown up in broken homes, that had issues. And it did get to a point in my life where I did really want to be white. I think by the time I got to my early 20s, I'd already gotten through a lot of feeling quite displaced and really gone through a lot of identity issues.
And that's why I felt quite suicidal, it just was a lot to kind of unpack and to process. And I didn't really understand those elements of myself at that time. So what did you to do get over these difficulties? And how did Islam get into the picture? Just carried on, I kind of got over that phase of my life. So I was kind of semi-involved in the rap music scene, believe it or not. A few rappers that I know actually started telling me about Islam. The rap scene in the UK, a lot of them are Muslim. I was actually planning on doing a verse on a rap tune, with this, like, rap group. And they... One of them then started telling me about Islam.
And the funny thing about it is, he said he'd been talking to me about Islam prior to that, but I don't remember. And Subhanallah, it makes me think of the verse in the Quran where Allah says He's put a seal on your heart. I couldn't remember, recall, anything. But he said, "I've been trying to talk to you about Islam, I've been trying to give you dawah or explain Islam to you, but you..." And I said, "I don't have any recollection." So I remember the da’i that he spoke to me about Jesus being the son of God and how that didn't make sense.
Allah had already put something in my mind to question Jesus being the son of God, and when this rapper had then said that doesn't make sense, and explained about Allah being One, I was like... "Whoa, that really makes sense." Were there other Muslims around you that told you about Islam as well? I grew up in a predominantly white area. So I didn't really have any interactions with Muslims apart from a shoe shop that I used to go to. The man in the shop, I call him, like, an uncle, he was Muslim but he never indicated that he was Muslim. I just remember him being a source of somebody that I could go to to talk to about my problems.
When the rapper told me about Islam and he was comparing Christianity, I remember going to the uncle and saying to him "Oh my gosh, like, I've heard about Islam!" He came back the next time with this old Quran and he was like, "Look, just take the Quran. Just open it up and ask Allah for guidance. And Allah will be up to give you anything." So basically I took the Quran home and just left it to one side. So then I carried on and I went out and I partied and carried on with my life.
And so at this point in time when I'd been given the Quran and when I started to kind of accept the dawah, but I wasn't ready to make a drastic change at that point in time, I still was enjoying the party lifestyle, I was still very much involved with music. So I really just didn't want to make that step. Although I did started to believe that this... I believed that this was true at this point. What was the turning point for you towards accepting Islam? I remember getting a phone call one day. Somebody said to me, you know, "You need to go down to your dad's flat!" So I made my way down to London, because I was back in Essex, got outside his flat.
And I saw there was police tape all the way around. I tried to go in to the flat and they wouldn't let me go in. So I called his phone and someone answered. Subhanallah. So someone answered, and, um... It... Sorry. And I said, "Who's this?" And they said, "We've got your dad's phone." He'd been stabbed eight times. They'd gone in to effectively rob him. They'd posed as someone else to enter into the flat. They'd pulled out a knife and they'd said, "Look, you need to give your money." Now, my dad's schizophrenic, so he wasn't just gonna hand over what he had. And so the fight began. They stabbed him in his arm. They stabbed him in his leg three or four times and they stabbed him in his heart.
So I went to visit my dad in the hospital. When it got to 12 o'clock, you know, the doctors change over. And one of the doctors said, "He's been stabbed in the heart. Have you not checked his heart?" And I said, "Well, he seems okay." So they said "No no no. We need to check his heart." When they checked his heart, his heart was punctured. If they didn't find that, he would have internally bled to death. I went home that night. Started crying, I think it just all got too much. My dad had nearly died, and you know, I've got the Quran open.
And I can remember the uncle's voice in my head, saying, you know, "Just turn to Allah, and anything Allah wants to do he can do." I just, literally, spoke to Allah and I didn't know who Allah was. But I can remember just saying, you know, "Allah, take the pain away." And I can remember feeling this physical warmth enter into my feet, up into my legs, all the way up to my body. I physically felt my heart lift. Something just changed that day. And I can remember completely stopping crying. I felt like Allah was saying to me, like, "Don't worry, I'm here." That was the first time that I prayed to Allah and he answered immediately.
Then what happened that you finally decided to become Muslim and take your Shahada? Assalamu alaikum brothers and sisters. We realized that 80% of our audience, including this video, are not subscribed to our channel. As you know, we are a non-profit organization and advertisements are disabled on our videos. Towards Eternity is not just a YouTube channel, but also a madrasah. Here we try to educate ourselves and the youth Islamically. So the only reason we are asking for this, is to spread the truth. It may seem like a small act, but Inshallah it will help us reach millions of people. Now let's click the like and the subscribe buttons, and let's together walk Towards Eternity.
Then what happened that you finally decided to become Muslim and take your Shahada? So the next day I woke up. I was feeling like, almost like I had become a Muslim in that point in time. I was convinced that, you know, Allah was real. And this was the first time that I'd really, truly believed in God. So I contacted another one of my rapper friends. They were part of the same rap group. And it was really odd, because we used to meet up in random places in the car, and he used to just tell me about Islam, and then I'd leave. That was literally the relationship we had. So I remember contacting my friend and he started to talk to me about the tortures of the grave. I was completely terrified.
But I was terrified in a way that I did not want to die a non-Muslim. Because my fear was not even of Jahannam, not even of Hell at that point. My fear was the torture of the grave. Because it was something extremely new and extremely scary to me. So I then started to become very emotional for the next three or four days. I was crying pretty much every day. And I was trying to pray, didn't know how to pray, I had no idea how to pray. How I prayed was just talking to God, looking up. I've never been in a mosque, I've never really known any Muslims that are like, you know, openly practicing. So, you know, there was a lot that I didn't know.
I remember meeting my friend, he said, "I wanna take you to East London to show you something." So, drove from Essex to East London. And we went to Green Street, I believe, where they sell lots of, like, hijabs and abayas. And I remember him buying me the pullover hijab. The one that you just... It's like a sock, but with an open bit, you just put it over. And I went into the shop and I tried it on, put it over, and I was like... Look, got in the car, looked in the mirror and I was like, "Wow, this is different." "This is different." I felt like I wanted to become Muslim, that's how I actually, genuinely felt.
So when we drove back down through Ilford, on the way back to Essex, and the brother went into... Said "I need to pray," so he went in to pray. And I made a little prayer outside. I prayed to Allah and said, "Please allow me to become Muslim." He went into the mosque and he prayed, and came back out and sat in the car. And then he said, um, "The imam's not in there at the moment, but I've given a few people Shahada before. If you wanted to go in and take your Shahada now, it's up to you, or you can wait for another time with the imam." So you see the wisdom of how he'd done it. He didn't say "Let's stop and go take your Shahada." He then allowed me to make my own decision.
He took me to get hijab, didn't tell me what was happening, allowed me to choose the hijab, allowed me to, kind of, sit in the car and have a think outside the mosque. And then I was like, "Yeah, I want to go in and I wanna become Muslim." So, walked into the mosque. And the first thing that I thought was, "Where's the chairs?" But as I walked in, they were kinda looking at me. Because I still had quite tight clothes on with this sock-hijab over. And I wondered why other people followed us. I didn't get it, I was a bit, like, "What's going on? Why are they here?" No one actually explained that you need witnesses and all of that.
So I went and sat on the floor, and again, I was thinking, "Why are we sitting on the floor?" And we sat down in a circle. And the brother started to talk to me a little bit about the religion and asked me, do I believe that, you know, in the Prophet (saw), and do I believe in Allah, and do I understand like, what I'm saying, has anyone forced me to be here, and obviously I said that I believed, and that nobody's forced me to be here. And you know, then, Subhanallah I took my Shahada. My friend gave me Shahada, yeah. Honestly, I felt like, very light, very much like...
I mean, he sat next to me and he said "I feel like the angels are around you." When I first made the dua, I was very, in a real state of pain and, you know, shock and sadness. So that was more of a relief. This was... A pain relief. How was the reaction of the people around you to your conversion to Islam? It was very surprising for a lot of people. I was probably the person that would be least expected to become Muslim. I'd come from, you know, as I said, a life of being on the streets, um, you know, being involved with people that are on the streets, being heavily involved in music. I had an extremely bad attitude that I'd developed through, you know, trauma.
I had a schizophrenic dad, and so there was no one that would have said, you know, "Mercedes is gonna be Muslim." How did you learn to make salah? And how did you feel when you first performed it? I learned the prayer online from YouTube. So I learned it, like, on step-by-step stages. And one of my friends helped me. So I'd say each line of Surah Al-Fatiha, I'd send it to him via voice note, and he would say whether it was okay or not. Then, um, you know, I kind of... And then I was watching the movements you know, the "Allahu Akbar" and all of that. I was watching that to try and piece it together, which was... I found quite difficult.
It was quite complicated learning all the movements, learning what part of the words go with which movement, learning the Arabic and learning the English at the same time. It was very complex. But I had this kind of zealous-ness and this kind of passion to really learn as much as possible and implement as much as possible. So slowly, slowly, I was starting to understand parts of the religion that I had no idea about. I can remember every single time I prayed, I'd cry. I had this deep connection where I literally felt Allah (swt) was standing in front of me. And I would cry every single time. What was the major challenge you faced after becoming Muslim?
Covering up and things like that was a major lifestyle change. Dressing according to the Sunnah, like, you know, covering your hair, covering your body, that wasn't something I was used to. Like, as far as I was aware, and how I'd been brought up, is that you wear what you want. So that was a massive adaptation to kind of... And I struggled with that for many, many years. What would you like to say to people who are considering Islam, but are afraid to accept it because of the practices like hijab, et cetera? When you're looking into becoming a Muslim, you have to kind of look at building a connection with Allah.
So there's a kind of process that needs to be followed in a way that would help you understand why you cover your hair, why you cover your body, why you refrain from doing certain things. So I think, what I'd advise people that are looking, that are thinking, "You know what, I want to become Muslim, I believe in Allah, I believe in the Sunnah of the Prophet (saw), but I don't wanna cover my hair." Or, "But I don't wanna give up this, or I don't wanna give up that." It will come. The change will happen once you establish that relationship. There are things that I never envisioned myself doing. Covering up was one of them. Stopping partying was another, believe it or not.
But as I grew my relationship with Allah, as I learned the religion, naturally I just wanted to please my Lord. The focus should be on establishing a relationship with Allah. Understanding, you know, Allah's mercy. Understanding Allah's love. Understanding who Allah really is. Take your time, understand who you're worshiping, understand why you're worshiping Him. And things will follow. There's a misconception saying that Islam oppresses women. What do you say to such a claim? You know, I speak about this quite a bit with regards to feminism. Which is a very interesting subject. But there is this belief that somehow women doing the same as men is somehow liberating.
But when you actually look at the fitra of a woman and you look at, you know, how she thrives, it generally is when she's being looked after. When she's being protected and looked after by you know, the men, whether it be a marriage or whether it be her father. And that's usually where she thrives. Not saying that a woman can't go out and work, but actually it can be very stressful, it can be very overwhelming. When you look at her natural disposition, where she's the most happy, most women, and this is statistically proven, most women want to be looked after, want to be... Not to have to have that pressure of being in the workplace.
So I think that the misconception that you know, women are somehow oppressed and you know, we're not allowed to do certain things, when you look, the more you look into Islam, the more you find out that that's the complete opposite. So you look at the relationship the Prophet (saw) had with Khadija (ra), yes, she was a doting wife, but she was also a businesswoman. That can be achieved, and that's what really fascinates me about Islam, is learning how to be a real woman. Because obviously I got brought up by quite an independent woman, and it was always, kind of like, this attitude of not needing a man.
And then learning about Islam, and understanding a man's value, and understanding your value that's completely different as a female, and then leaning into that, but still understanding that you can still have a business and you can still have a personality and all of that. It's just a complete way of life. What was your purpose before Islam, and what is it after Islam? I would say that I didn't really have much purpose before Islam. My belief system was that you know, YOLO, as we call it in the UK. You Only Live Once, so it's... Live life to the fullest. The problem with that lifestyle was that there is no purpose.
And so, when there's no purpose, you fall into that kind of existential crisis of basically feeling like there's no reason to live and I did get to that point a lot in my earlier life, where it's kind of like, after the lights have gone, dimmed, and after the party stops, then what's the purpose of life? So Islam gave me not only a purpose in the next life of being able to attain long-lasting happiness in Jannah, but also, Allah has given me gifts that I can use in this life, my voice being one of them. You know, my interaction with people being another. So I think coming into Islam has given me more than just the ultimate purpose, but a life's purpose as well.
Lastly, if you had a chance to speak to all the non-Muslims in the world, what would you like to say to them if you had just one minute? Give Islam a chance. I wasn't looking for Islam but as soon as I found Islam there was an undeniable truth. The more that I knew about Islam, the real Islam... There's a lot in the media, there's a lot of bad coverage of what Islam is or what a Muslim is. But the real, true Islam, give it a chance to actually hear about it, to actually get to know it, ask questions, get to understand the fundamental beliefs of a Muslim, get to understand who Allah truly is. And I truly believe you will be guided.
Anything Allah wants to do he can do." I just, literally, spoke to Allah and I didn't know who Allah was. But I can remember just saying, you know, "Allah, take the pain away." Something just changed that day. And I can remember completely stopping crying. I felt like Allah was saying to me, like, "Don't worry, I'm here." Assalamu alaikum sister Aysha Mercedes. As Towards Eternity, we're very happy to have you with us. I want to start with who is Aysha Mercedes, can you tell us briefly about your life? Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. Jazakallah khayran for inviting me. It's a pleasure to be here. I was born and raised in London, and at the age of 12 I moved over to Essex.
I am mixed-race. I'm half-Jamaican and half-English. So, my mom's family were kind of Catholic but there was no religion practiced at all in my household. I would have had the belief system of God, but no specific religion. However, when I got to a certain point, I would have identified as a Christian but I believed that I was an atheist. So I accepted Islam 13 years ago and since then I've been involved in community work, volunteering, television presenting and podcasting. How was your life in regards to faith? Can you tell us about your religious background? So, I was aware of religion. But it wasn't practiced in my direct household. So my dad had no religious tendencies whatsoever.
But with my mom's mom, she had, like, statues of Mary in the household. And sometimes she'd use, like, religious terms, like mention, like, Mary or Jesus. I would actually consider myself to have been an atheist. You know, as I said, I would turn to God in times of desperation. So although I didn't really have a connection with God, I didn't really believe in God, I think a lot of us turn to God when we're in a very difficult... So like, "God, if you're listening, please, you know, help me out of this situation." So that was my, kind of, relationship with God. But other than that, there was no connection. So what didn't make sense to you in Christianity?
There was questions I didn't know the answer to. And I really struggled with the concept of Jesus being the son of God. If God's sort of all-powerful and almighty, why... Why does... What... The concept of why does Jesus need to die for our sins? Why does Jesus... Why do we need to pray to Jesus? That concept, to me, was bizarre. I couldn't understand it. So I can remember asking questions and I can remember being, kind of, shut down and kind of told that I shouldn't be asking questions. They didn't so much get angry, but they kind of... Like, it was dismissed. I was dismissed.
So interestingly, when I became Muslim and I started to get an understanding of the religion all of my questions were answered. Allah says in the Quran, "Kun fa-yakūnu." "Be and it will be." So I understood that to mean that Allah doesn't need any partners. Allah doesn't need a son in order for us to worship him. So coming from, you know, not having my questions answered in the church and really feeling like it didn't make sense, to reading the Quran and Allah's words, and understanding the truth that Allah doesn't need any partners and Allah is the one to be worshiped made complete sense to me. I want to learn how your journey to Islam began.
What happened that you started considering Islam? Some of the things that I went through in my childhood were really difficult. My dad was paranoid schizophrenic. And so, the reason why I actually left London was to run away from my dad. The first school that I went to in London, I was bullied because I was mixed-race. So I kept running away from school and my mom told me, "Don't tell your dad." And I told my dad. My dad reacted in a very, very aggressive, very scary way. So he was shouting, "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me?" Screaming and shouting in the middle of the road outside my nan's house. And that night we packed up and left to move to Essex.
When I moved to Essex at the age of 12, I was the only female of color in my whole school. So, everybody else was white and that was difficult. I remember actually getting expelled from school in the end, because one of my friends, who was supposed to be a close friend of mine, had actually said some racist things towards me. And that was what it was like. That wasn't the first time something like that had happened. I had friends that I would kind of hang around with that then, you know, turned on me and attacked me. And I really felt like it was because I just didn't fit in, I wasn't white, and I was kind of seen as, like, a target. And I would be made fun of, even the way I spoke.
I'd be made fun of because I had a London accent, and the Essex accent is very different to the London accent, so even that would be picked on. So I always felt very much, like, I was on the outside looking in. I feel like I've pretty much been with the street kids, on the streets from the age of about 15. And that's kind of where I felt I've fit in. With the street kids, there was lots of other kids that had grown up in broken homes, that had issues. And it did get to a point in my life where I did really want to be white. I think by the time I got to my early 20s, I'd already gotten through a lot of feeling quite displaced and really gone through a lot of identity issues.
And that's why I felt quite suicidal, it just was a lot to kind of unpack and to process. And I didn't really understand those elements of myself at that time. So what did you to do get over these difficulties? And how did Islam get into the picture? Just carried on, I kind of got over that phase of my life. So I was kind of semi-involved in the rap music scene, believe it or not. A few rappers that I know actually started telling me about Islam. The rap scene in the UK, a lot of them are Muslim. I was actually planning on doing a verse on a rap tune, with this, like, rap group. And they... One of them then started telling me about Islam.
And the funny thing about it is, he said he'd been talking to me about Islam prior to that, but I don't remember. And Subhanallah, it makes me think of the verse in the Quran where Allah says He's put a seal on your heart. I couldn't remember, recall, anything. But he said, "I've been trying to talk to you about Islam, I've been trying to give you dawah or explain Islam to you, but you..." And I said, "I don't have any recollection." So I remember the da’i that he spoke to me about Jesus being the son of God and how that didn't make sense.
Allah had already put something in my mind to question Jesus being the son of God, and when this rapper had then said that doesn't make sense, and explained about Allah being One, I was like... "Whoa, that really makes sense." Were there other Muslims around you that told you about Islam as well? I grew up in a predominantly white area. So I didn't really have any interactions with Muslims apart from a shoe shop that I used to go to. The man in the shop, I call him, like, an uncle, he was Muslim but he never indicated that he was Muslim. I just remember him being a source of somebody that I could go to to talk to about my problems.
When the rapper told me about Islam and he was comparing Christianity, I remember going to the uncle and saying to him "Oh my gosh, like, I've heard about Islam!" He came back the next time with this old Quran and he was like, "Look, just take the Quran. Just open it up and ask Allah for guidance. And Allah will be up to give you anything." So basically I took the Quran home and just left it to one side. So then I carried on and I went out and I partied and carried on with my life.
And so at this point in time when I'd been given the Quran and when I started to kind of accept the dawah, but I wasn't ready to make a drastic change at that point in time, I still was enjoying the party lifestyle, I was still very much involved with music. So I really just didn't want to make that step. Although I did started to believe that this... I believed that this was true at this point. What was the turning point for you towards accepting Islam? I remember getting a phone call one day. Somebody said to me, you know, "You need to go down to your dad's flat!" So I made my way down to London, because I was back in Essex, got outside his flat.
And I saw there was police tape all the way around. I tried to go in to the flat and they wouldn't let me go in. So I called his phone and someone answered. Subhanallah. So someone answered, and, um... It... Sorry. And I said, "Who's this?" And they said, "We've got your dad's phone." He'd been stabbed eight times. They'd gone in to effectively rob him. They'd posed as someone else to enter into the flat. They'd pulled out a knife and they'd said, "Look, you need to give your money." Now, my dad's schizophrenic, so he wasn't just gonna hand over what he had. And so the fight began. They stabbed him in his arm. They stabbed him in his leg three or four times and they stabbed him in his heart.
So I went to visit my dad in the hospital. When it got to 12 o'clock, you know, the doctors change over. And one of the doctors said, "He's been stabbed in the heart. Have you not checked his heart?" And I said, "Well, he seems okay." So they said "No no no. We need to check his heart." When they checked his heart, his heart was punctured. If they didn't find that, he would have internally bled to death. I went home that night. Started crying, I think it just all got too much. My dad had nearly died, and you know, I've got the Quran open.
And I can remember the uncle's voice in my head, saying, you know, "Just turn to Allah, and anything Allah wants to do he can do." I just, literally, spoke to Allah and I didn't know who Allah was. But I can remember just saying, you know, "Allah, take the pain away." And I can remember feeling this physical warmth enter into my feet, up into my legs, all the way up to my body. I physically felt my heart lift. Something just changed that day. And I can remember completely stopping crying. I felt like Allah was saying to me, like, "Don't worry, I'm here." That was the first time that I prayed to Allah and he answered immediately.
Then what happened that you finally decided to become Muslim and take your Shahada? Assalamu alaikum brothers and sisters. We realized that 80% of our audience, including this video, are not subscribed to our channel. As you know, we are a non-profit organization and advertisements are disabled on our videos. Towards Eternity is not just a YouTube channel, but also a madrasah. Here we try to educate ourselves and the youth Islamically. So the only reason we are asking for this, is to spread the truth. It may seem like a small act, but Inshallah it will help us reach millions of people. Now let's click the like and the subscribe buttons, and let's together walk Towards Eternity.
Then what happened that you finally decided to become Muslim and take your Shahada? So the next day I woke up. I was feeling like, almost like I had become a Muslim in that point in time. I was convinced that, you know, Allah was real. And this was the first time that I'd really, truly believed in God. So I contacted another one of my rapper friends. They were part of the same rap group. And it was really odd, because we used to meet up in random places in the car, and he used to just tell me about Islam, and then I'd leave. That was literally the relationship we had. So I remember contacting my friend and he started to talk to me about the tortures of the grave. I was completely terrified.
But I was terrified in a way that I did not want to die a non-Muslim. Because my fear was not even of Jahannam, not even of Hell at that point. My fear was the torture of the grave. Because it was something extremely new and extremely scary to me. So I then started to become very emotional for the next three or four days. I was crying pretty much every day. And I was trying to pray, didn't know how to pray, I had no idea how to pray. How I prayed was just talking to God, looking up. I've never been in a mosque, I've never really known any Muslims that are like, you know, openly practicing. So, you know, there was a lot that I didn't know.
I remember meeting my friend, he said, "I wanna take you to East London to show you something." So, drove from Essex to East London. And we went to Green Street, I believe, where they sell lots of, like, hijabs and abayas. And I remember him buying me the pullover hijab. The one that you just... It's like a sock, but with an open bit, you just put it over. And I went into the shop and I tried it on, put it over, and I was like... Look, got in the car, looked in the mirror and I was like, "Wow, this is different." "This is different." I felt like I wanted to become Muslim, that's how I actually, genuinely felt.
So when we drove back down through Ilford, on the way back to Essex, and the brother went into... Said "I need to pray," so he went in to pray. And I made a little prayer outside. I prayed to Allah and said, "Please allow me to become Muslim." He went into the mosque and he prayed, and came back out and sat in the car. And then he said, um, "The imam's not in there at the moment, but I've given a few people Shahada before. If you wanted to go in and take your Shahada now, it's up to you, or you can wait for another time with the imam." So you see the wisdom of how he'd done it. He didn't say "Let's stop and go take your Shahada." He then allowed me to make my own decision.
He took me to get hijab, didn't tell me what was happening, allowed me to choose the hijab, allowed me to, kind of, sit in the car and have a think outside the mosque. And then I was like, "Yeah, I want to go in and I wanna become Muslim." So, walked into the mosque. And the first thing that I thought was, "Where's the chairs?" But as I walked in, they were kinda looking at me. Because I still had quite tight clothes on with this sock-hijab over. And I wondered why other people followed us. I didn't get it, I was a bit, like, "What's going on? Why are they here?" No one actually explained that you need witnesses and all of that.
So I went and sat on the floor, and again, I was thinking, "Why are we sitting on the floor?" And we sat down in a circle. And the brother started to talk to me a little bit about the religion and asked me, do I believe that, you know, in the Prophet (saw), and do I believe in Allah, and do I understand like, what I'm saying, has anyone forced me to be here, and obviously I said that I believed, and that nobody's forced me to be here. And you know, then, Subhanallah I took my Shahada. My friend gave me Shahada, yeah. Honestly, I felt like, very light, very much like...
I mean, he sat next to me and he said "I feel like the angels are around you." When I first made the dua, I was very, in a real state of pain and, you know, shock and sadness. So that was more of a relief. This was... A pain relief. How was the reaction of the people around you to your conversion to Islam? It was very surprising for a lot of people. I was probably the person that would be least expected to become Muslim. I'd come from, you know, as I said, a life of being on the streets, um, you know, being involved with people that are on the streets, being heavily involved in music. I had an extremely bad attitude that I'd developed through, you know, trauma.
I had a schizophrenic dad, and so there was no one that would have said, you know, "Mercedes is gonna be Muslim." How did you learn to make salah? And how did you feel when you first performed it? I learned the prayer online from YouTube. So I learned it, like, on step-by-step stages. And one of my friends helped me. So I'd say each line of Surah Al-Fatiha, I'd send it to him via voice note, and he would say whether it was okay or not. Then, um, you know, I kind of... And then I was watching the movements you know, the "Allahu Akbar" and all of that. I was watching that to try and piece it together, which was... I found quite difficult.
It was quite complicated learning all the movements, learning what part of the words go with which movement, learning the Arabic and learning the English at the same time. It was very complex. But I had this kind of zealous-ness and this kind of passion to really learn as much as possible and implement as much as possible. So slowly, slowly, I was starting to understand parts of the religion that I had no idea about. I can remember every single time I prayed, I'd cry. I had this deep connection where I literally felt Allah (swt) was standing in front of me. And I would cry every single time. What was the major challenge you faced after becoming Muslim?
Covering up and things like that was a major lifestyle change. Dressing according to the Sunnah, like, you know, covering your hair, covering your body, that wasn't something I was used to. Like, as far as I was aware, and how I'd been brought up, is that you wear what you want. So that was a massive adaptation to kind of... And I struggled with that for many, many years. What would you like to say to people who are considering Islam, but are afraid to accept it because of the practices like hijab, et cetera? When you're looking into becoming a Muslim, you have to kind of look at building a connection with Allah.
So there's a kind of process that needs to be followed in a way that would help you understand why you cover your hair, why you cover your body, why you refrain from doing certain things. So I think, what I'd advise people that are looking, that are thinking, "You know what, I want to become Muslim, I believe in Allah, I believe in the Sunnah of the Prophet (saw), but I don't wanna cover my hair." Or, "But I don't wanna give up this, or I don't wanna give up that." It will come. The change will happen once you establish that relationship. There are things that I never envisioned myself doing. Covering up was one of them. Stopping partying was another, believe it or not.
But as I grew my relationship with Allah, as I learned the religion, naturally I just wanted to please my Lord. The focus should be on establishing a relationship with Allah. Understanding, you know, Allah's mercy. Understanding Allah's love. Understanding who Allah really is. Take your time, understand who you're worshiping, understand why you're worshiping Him. And things will follow. There's a misconception saying that Islam oppresses women. What do you say to such a claim? You know, I speak about this quite a bit with regards to feminism. Which is a very interesting subject. But there is this belief that somehow women doing the same as men is somehow liberating.
But when you actually look at the fitra of a woman and you look at, you know, how she thrives, it generally is when she's being looked after. When she's being protected and looked after by you know, the men, whether it be a marriage or whether it be her father. And that's usually where she thrives. Not saying that a woman can't go out and work, but actually it can be very stressful, it can be very overwhelming. When you look at her natural disposition, where she's the most happy, most women, and this is statistically proven, most women want to be looked after, want to be... Not to have to have that pressure of being in the workplace.
So I think that the misconception that you know, women are somehow oppressed and you know, we're not allowed to do certain things, when you look, the more you look into Islam, the more you find out that that's the complete opposite. So you look at the relationship the Prophet (saw) had with Khadija (ra), yes, she was a doting wife, but she was also a businesswoman. That can be achieved, and that's what really fascinates me about Islam, is learning how to be a real woman. Because obviously I got brought up by quite an independent woman, and it was always, kind of like, this attitude of not needing a man.
And then learning about Islam, and understanding a man's value, and understanding your value that's completely different as a female, and then leaning into that, but still understanding that you can still have a business and you can still have a personality and all of that. It's just a complete way of life. What was your purpose before Islam, and what is it after Islam? I would say that I didn't really have much purpose before Islam. My belief system was that you know, YOLO, as we call it in the UK. You Only Live Once, so it's... Live life to the fullest. The problem with that lifestyle was that there is no purpose.
And so, when there's no purpose, you fall into that kind of existential crisis of basically feeling like there's no reason to live and I did get to that point a lot in my earlier life, where it's kind of like, after the lights have gone, dimmed, and after the party stops, then what's the purpose of life? So Islam gave me not only a purpose in the next life of being able to attain long-lasting happiness in Jannah, but also, Allah has given me gifts that I can use in this life, my voice being one of them. You know, my interaction with people being another. So I think coming into Islam has given me more than just the ultimate purpose, but a life's purpose as well.
Lastly, if you had a chance to speak to all the non-Muslims in the world, what would you like to say to them if you had just one minute? Give Islam a chance. I wasn't looking for Islam but as soon as I found Islam there was an undeniable truth. The more that I knew about Islam, the real Islam... There's a lot in the media, there's a lot of bad coverage of what Islam is or what a Muslim is. But the real, true Islam, give it a chance to actually hear about it, to actually get to know it, ask questions, get to understand the fundamental beliefs of a Muslim, get to understand who Allah truly is. And I truly believe you will be guided.