“These Create Traumas in the Child!” - Parents Beware! Family Counselor Warned!
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What should working parents pay attention to while raising children? Children are created perfectly. They have nothing to be bent or corrected. If you love your child, first value your wife. The child needs you, not the gifts you bring. Try to satisfy him with yourself. Not with toys. Welcome, brother Ahmet. We know that you are a medical doctor, and you are also a licensed family counselor. Today we want to make a video about children with you. We'll ask the following general questions. Thank you. Why childhood education? Because we came to this world before them. The one who joins the army first helps the newcomers. In essence, this is what we call education. What do we do?
What does this globe mean? What do the objects in it mean? Why do people exist in this world? How to communicate with them? Our values, our rules, if any. We have to explain these to children. I want to start by making an emphatic statement. Our children come to this world through us, but they don't belong to us. The point shouldn't be missed here. So what will this education be like? This education will be practical. It's like driving a car. Along with the theoretical aspect, there's also the practical aspect. In other words, we should show life to children by living it, by representing our relationship and communication with people. We have roughly 15 years for it.
Children are created perfectly. They have nothing to be bent or corrected. So what are we supposed to do? This: To pave the way, and to prepare the environment for the existing potential to come out and develop. Not directly interfering with the child, but forming an environment for them. Suppose that I have an egg in my hand, and there's a bird in it. Can you take it out? Break the egg shell and see what happens. The shell must be broken for the chick to hatch out. If the chick breaks it from the inside, it's the beginning of its life. If you break it from the outside, it's the end of its life. Because the program of the egg is clear inside. The Creator has programed it.
He didn't create it in a way that needs shaping. He set a goal for it, and put some energy for the goal. As long as you form the medium, it will walk towards the goal anyway. The egg can't wait to become a chicken. The potential in it says so. It wants to hatch out, give it affection and warmth, and it will hatch out. Children's feelings are more sensitive than the shell of an egg. When you try to make your son a man by force, you take away his manhood. And in my opinion, this is the biggest drama of conservative families today. When they want to make their children religious by force, they distance them from the religion. It can't be done by force.
You should form the environment, guide them properly, practice what you want in them, and create a bond of trust between you and the child. In that case, they will come after you step by step. In short, education is a process in which the parents act as a role model for their children by living the life in the right way. You can ask more questions based on this definition. There's no age for it, but let me tell you this. My education begins with my mother's childhood education, when my mother was born herself. Not when she gave birth to me.
If I am the child of an unhealthy mother, a mother who cannot control her emotions, who cannot control her anger, or who has psychological problems, it will harm my childhood. You see, it actually starts before me. To give a clear answer to the question you asked, it starts in the womb, when a woman is pregnant,. Because the child feels everything that the mother feels. A child can be born as depressed even. If the mother has experienced depressive episodes, children aged 2, 3, 4 can be very introverted, very shy, and very cowardly. You can understand this from the behaviors of children who constantly try to please their parents. Because in general the child is active.
In general, the child is curious. In general, the child acts as he wishes and feels. He doesn't look left and right. and act according to the environment. But depressed children are timid and experience anxiety because those children experience fear. They rely not on their own feelings, but on the feelings of the authority around them, father and mother. They cannot experience their own feelings. Therefore, they can't be themselves. They become someone else. They start to be an artificial child. I understand the issue of at what age it begins. So how should it be during pregnancy? It's an issue that I want to emphasize as loudly as I can. I want to address men in particular.
If you love your child, and of course, every father loves his child, first, value your wife and care about her, because your child's emotional construction completely depends on the mother. Let me give you an example. Imagine that you're married. Your wife is pregnant and you're eating a banana. You have a banana in your hand, and you think “if only my child in my wife's womb could eat it”. You can actually make your child eat it. Give the banana to the mother, and it will pass from the mother to the child. Similarly, the child's emotional mechanism is built with the energy of compassion coming from the mother. That's why breastfeeding is not just about breastfeeding.
Mothers know this very well. When the mother breastfeeds her baby in her arms, the baby, again and again, stares at her mother, and tries to make an eye contact, stops and tries to make an eye contact, stops and tries to make an eye contact. But if the mother is uninterested, or if she is worried, the child stops feeding. Let me give an example from scientific studies. When a child is born, he asks himself two major questions. Am I safe? Does the other party care about me? The child shouldn't be worried. First of all, a happy mother, a smiling mother, is necessary for it. In this period, at the age of two, three or four, the child does not know rules. The child does not know limits.
It's necessary to ensure the emotional development of the child in this process. Child education is not about setting rules for the child. It's about teaching a child how to study, per se. The emotional development of the child is affected by the emotional closeness between the parents. If a bond of love and trust is established between the parents at home, the child begins to control his emotions in a balanced way, in that atmosphere of love and trust. You can say, "Okay, he learned to control his emotions, but is that the main issue?" Emotions are the source of all our behaviors. People who cannot control their actions and behaviors are those who cannot control their emotions.
If the child has taken control of his emotions, then after the age of four, behavior training begins. The child who has achieved this can now begin to manage their behavior as well. Actually, I say that behavioral education starts after the age of four, but it basically starts at the age of seven. If you ask me what's your evidence? Modern pedagogy says the same thing. Prophet Muhammad salallahu alayhi wa sallam also says the same thing. Why seven years? Because only then, does the child begin to control his behavior. So what should be done up to that time? To ensure the emotional development of children.
As long as the child feels safe in an atmosphere of love and compassion, as long as he feels valuable, "Am I accepted as I am?" as long as he feels this in his environment, the child completes his emotional development. If the parents constantly fight, this child starts to worry. In other words, you disrupt the emotional mechanism of a child whose emotional construction has not yet been completed. If a parent frowns, beats the child, locks them in the room, constantly, puts a brake on every one of his wishes, and says, "Are we supposed to say yes to everything he wants?" I'm talking about a 4-year-old boy. What could this boy want? He wants to reach the drawer of the closet.
All of them are natural desires that originate from the child's curiosity. If you do not allow the child, he will have anxiety. Because the more things, objects the child touches, and the more things he gains dominance of, the more self-confident he becomes. This is what I can't stand. During this period, the child is neglected, is not taken into consideration and is not cared for. The mother says, "What is it?" "What is it?" Then she says, "Go to your father for a while." And the father says to the mother, "Come here and get this kid off me." This child is thrown here and thrown there. The child feels worthless and begins to feel bad. However, the child wants attention in that period.
If you look into the child's eyes and value him while speaking, he'll feel valuable. In a place where there's quarrel, violence, and anger, the child's emotional mechanism begins to suffer. You don't need to do anything special. The child just needs love, to feel safe, and to be accepted as he is. Yes. The reason why a child acts like this, again, I'm sorry to say it, but the parents. What the child does is actually a problem solving method. He has accepted that method. He internalized it. Does the child have to listen to every word of his parents?
The father gets angry and says, "Get out of that place." "Don't eat that." The things we tell a child to do and not to do should be meaningful things. The child wants to write something with a pen, but the mother insistently takes it from his hand, the child sees that he can't get his natural desires in this way. This time child tries something else. He starts to shout. The moment he shouts, the mother says, "Okay, okay, okay, I will give it to you." So the child thinks, "I have found it," he increases it a little more. He thinks, "I have settled the issue now." And now when the child wants something and the parents say no, the method is already clear. The boy has learned it.
Shout, embarrass them, disgrace them. They will say yes to you as not to be disgraced. In the middle of the supermarket, the child will shout, and try to make you do whatever he wants. If parents say yes to the child's reasonable desires, but they say no to unnecessary things, the child will think, "My parents have always said yes to my basic needs, my essential needs. "Since they have said no to this," it must be something unnecessary." The child will take it naturally and won't say anything. But if parents act arbitrarily, things will change. Now, I'm talking to you now. Suppose that I have a 4-year-old daughter who came and called out "Dad!", and I said, "What is it?
"Can't you see I'm in the middle of a conversation?" I have a guest. Go." What did I do? I trivialized my daughter in your presence. I humiliated her. Would you feel good if you were in her position? Suppose that I said to my guest, "I'm sorry." Then I turn to my daughter. "Yes, honey, I've got it. "Okay." "I'm talking to my friend right now." "In half an hour or an hour, etc." I can say a certain time. "We will do it with you. "Okay, honey." In that case, the child felt valuable and important. She didn't feel angry with me. And she is going to wait there. For example, I said half an hour. So I must do it when the time comes.
But if I yelled, humiliated, and sent the child away, she would start to feel anger towards me. I started to hurt the child's feelings. It's an essential need. We must take care of it, but we don't do so. We say, "There's a guest. Look what she says to me." She cannot understand what hosting a guest is, or the importance of a guest. Thus, we trivialize, degrade our children, and they lose their self-confidence. Such children can get depressed very easily. If we exclude children, we push them aside because they are just children, they will always be pushed aside psychologically. They don't want to follow the rules that are set by their mothers.
They try to punish the parents by breaking the rules. There is a question. "How can I make my child love prayer and the Quran? "I think I am inadequate in this regard." Great question. I want to give an example from His life, alayhissalatu wassalam. Anas bin Malik, radiallahu anhu, was brought and given to our Prophet, alayhissalatu wassalam, when he was 4 years old. When the Prophet came to Madina, everyone was giving gifts to Him, alayhissalatu wassalam, but Anas bin Malik's mother was poor. She had nothing, so she gave Anas to him, Anas stayed with the Prophet, alayhissalatu wassalam, for ten years. The Prophet treated him as if He was his father.
Anas radiallahu anhu said, How will we live then? If you had asked Anas radiallahu anhu, he would have given his life for the Prophet, alayhissalatu wassalam. Because the Prophet alayhissalatu wassalam established an incredible bond of love, an incredible bond of trust with him, and Anas just imitated the person he loved. That's all. That's what mothers should do first, too. To establish a bond of love between her and her child. The one who doesn't love his father, doesn't love the prayer his father performs either. I sometimes say, please don't make salah after yelling at your children. This child is angry with you. At that moment, when you make Salah, the child will hate the salah.
The child should first love his mother and father in order to love their religious values, because it's in the nature of human beings to imitate the person they love. Famous people are imitated. Why? People love them, and imitate the behaviors of their loved ones. The Prophet alayhissalatu wassalam first became Muhammad al-Amin, the trustworthy. Then He became Muhammad the messenger, alayhissalatu wassalam. Then He started preaching the message. He first became trustworthy. Then He said, "Do this, don't do that." The same thing holds true for parents.
If there's a bond of love and trust between you and the child, he will think, "This man won't harm me and this woman won't harm me." When he's attached to his mother and father with love, he will imitate what they do. 2-year-old, 3-year-old, 4-year-old children bow down and stand next to us on the prayer mat, don't they? That's how it continues. When does it become a problem? When the bond of trust and love between you and your child breaks. He takes that broken bond, and connects it to someone else. He's fed from whoever he is connected to. If that person does not perform prayers, if that person doesn't make salah, the child doesn't make it either.
Just because your child is physically at your home doesn't mean that your child acts according to your values. You need to see who affects the heart of the child. The child imitates whoever he has an emotional bond with. The child becomes a member of a gang. But he is at your home, he eats your bread, uses your house, but does what the gang says. Then you say, "What an ungrateful child," and you go crazy. The child is now detached from you. I say, please don't break that bond. That bond is extremely important. In other words, when the child says, "Mom", let there be an enthusiasm in him. When the child says, "Dad", let the child's eyes sparkle. Do not worry about such a child.
In such an age where waves are intense, the child will fluctuate, too. But if you hold his hand, if that bond continues, don't worry. Eventually that child will come to you. Brother. There's a question. "I find it difficult to set a goal for my child. You shouldn't set a goal for your child. Someone can’t come and set a goal for me. You should set a goal together with your child. The child should approve that goal. He should want it. The *father says, for example, "You're going to be a doctor," but the child doesn't want to be a doctor. The father says, "You're going to work there," but the child doesn't want to work there. He doesn't like it.
The father, for example, tries to satisfy himself by making his son study engineering because he himself couldn't study engineering. But the child doesn't want it. If I imposed a goal for you, would you accept it? But you can sit together with the child and exchange ideas. You can say, "My son, I don't know. But you can try this one, too." Or "Let's think about that one, too." "Let me introduce you to a dentist." That's actually what's happened with someone I know. The son of that person came up with the idea of becoming a dentist just two months before the deadline of choosing a major. Then his father introduced him to a few dentists and they talked.
And after that, he decided to be a dentist. What he thought two months ago was engineering. Give your child the space to make his own choice, to set his goal himself and just be his helper in this process. Look, the same thing holds true about playing games for the child. When you play with the child, the captain is the child. He's in the driver's seat. A 2-year-old will never give you the wheel. Once you start managing, he will immediately deactivate you. He will hand you a toy to distract you. He means this: "Yes. "Give me your opinion if you can help." But I am the captain." We shouldn't deprive the child of being the captain. We shouldn't do it in any stage of their lives.
Suppose that this child wanted to marry someone you didn't want or approve of in the future. Then what? What would you do? If you put a ban again, you cannot settle the issue. But if you have the habit of being beside him, listening to his ideas, and estimating the pros and cons together, if you're used to it, the child will think. He will evaluate all the parameters and decide. Otherwise, he gets stubborn and won't listen to what you say. Therefore, please exchange ideas with him and establish a bond of interest and trust. I insistently underline it. If you do so, it will be quite easy for you to solve the problems. I'll give you an interesting example. Wundt is the founder of psychology.
He experienced an interesting incident. Once a child got into mud, and he was looking at the child. A friend who was passing by said, "Wundt, aren't you going to take this kid out of the mud?" And his answer was this: "I'm thinking about it, too. "I'm trying to find a way to explain to him" that he needs to get out of the mud." He didn't grab the kids arm and take him out. We manage the children manually, but the management mechanism of the child is within the child. There's a mechanism called conscience. There's a mechanism of justice. There's a mechanism of sensitivity. There's a mechanism of empathy.
When all these mechanisms mature, when that child sees some litter on the floor at home, he will remove it. The child must believe that he needs to study. The child himself must believe that he needs to brush his teeth. He will do it if he believes. Persuade him. If you read books regularly, your child will follow you. But there is one condition. There must be a bond of love between you and the child. If there is no bond, your behavior won't be passed on to the child. If you don't have an emotional bond, your values won't be passed on to the child. If you build a bond of love, just live. The rest will follow. Don't try in vain to make a man of the boy. Act like a man and leave the rest.
Everything will fall into place. Again in a very hot topic nowadays, brother, Yes, it really is. Of course, working parents have a really hard time. Ideally, we advise the mother to take a long leave, and stay with the child up to the age of three, if it's possible. No matter what happens, she should try her best to take an unpaid leave. There are so many cases regarding this issue. A working mother left her child when the child was two, three months old. It's necessary to be very careful. Let me share some scientific data, and let the parents decide. There are doctoral thesis, 100, 200, 500, maybe thousand cases were examined, and 95% of them confirmed this.
There's one reason that definitely leads children to depression and makes them feel depressed. The separation of the child from the mother before the age of three. Such a child cannot get out of depression. He becomes timid and cowardly. He becomes introverted, and gets self-confidence problems. Until the age of three, the child doesn't even know that he or she is an individual. There's a period called mini adolescence. It corresponds to the age of three, three and a half. You know, there's a phase in childhood where the child always says, "I will open the door," "I will hold it, I will do it, I will handle it." That is the period when the child discovers his own self.
He thinks, “I'm an individual.” “If I want something, it will happen.” “If I don't want it, it won't happen.” For example, he sometimes insists, "I won't give it. I won't give it." The child actually takes pleasure out of it because he sees that when he doesn't give, the other person cannot take it. But until that age, the child regards himself as a part of his mother. He regards him as one of her fingers, for example. If a finger were to be chopped off from you, could it live on its own? This is how the child sees himself. Think about it.
When this child is separated from the mother, the mother leaves the child when he's sleeping, for example, when the child wakes up and doesn't see his mother, he experiences a trust problem. "She disappears without telling me." It's not certain when the mother will return. Or the mother leaves the child crying and goes. That's why the first condition is that the mother take a leave and spend time with the child, at least until the age of three. You will have easier times in the future. If it's not possible, grandmas should stay with the child, especially the maternal grandmother. The maternal grandmother would be much more appropriate.
She should stay with the child, establish a bond with him, and look after him. Someone familiar. She should be soft and calm to him. If it's not possible, a gentle nanny should try to spend the child's first childhood stage with him. But when the mother gets home, she should spend all the remaining time with her child. But she shouldn't do this. Mothers can spoil their children a lot because they have a guilty conscience. That's why she comes home with gifts every evening. In that case, what you get is an insatiable child. The child needs you. The child needs you, not the gifts you bring. He needs your scent. Spend time with your child. But don't spoil him. Be caring.
Act with love, but try to satisfy him with yourself, not with toys. "My child changed a lot when he grew up. "He wasn't like that before." Yeah, these are sad but true events, actually. This is the period of adolescence in general. Adolescence is the period when you get what you give. If you say, “the boy has suddenly changed”, it means the child was two-faced until that stage. The child was like that before, but he didn't have the courage to show it because he needed money, he needed you. He was weak, powerless, and unable to say anything. In a house where there's fear and oppression, the child becomes two-faced. He behaves in a way that pleases you.
But as he gets stronger with the adolescence period, suddenly he reveals his true self. Then you'll be shocked and say, "Our kid wasn't like that.” "Our boy would never do that." “I guarantee he wouldn't do anything like that." But he did it on the street. There are ten witnesses. So is the father lying? No, the father is telling the truth. But the father is talking about the child next to him. He talks about the version of the child when he is with his parents. His identity on the street is different. He stance next to you is different. There are unbelievable lies, doing things behind backs, appearing different inside the house from outside the house. That's why adolescence is a result.
It's a result brought about by your practices. Do you want to change the result? You need to change the process. The methods you use are wrong. You need to change those methods. You need to get support. You need to get help. Otherwise, if you follow the same way without support, nothing will change. It will even get worse. Yeah. A lie is a result. It means there is pressure in that house. There's fear in that house. The child cannot tell the truth. Lying is not a behavioral disorder in children. It's not a personality disorder either. Lying occurs in children as a problem solving method.
If the child does it all the time and achieves his goal, he starts to adopt lying and then it starts to turn into a behavioral disorder. Then he continues his life with lies. So please destroy the fear culture at home. Eliminate it. Sit comfortably with your children. Listen to your children's requests and expectations. Allow them to do the right ones and try to come to terms with them about why they shouldn't do the wrong ones. Otherwise, if you try to do it by intimidation, suppression, and violence, there will be two-faced children. They will start to do things through tricks and deception.
There are many houses in which the father intimidates the children and the mother cooperates with the children. They do things behind the father's back. The mother distributes money to them. She has to. There's nothing else to do. This time, you raise a generation that does things behind people's backs. The father thinks that everything goes well. He doesn't know anything. The reason for lying is fear and oppression. Remove them and lying will disappear. Brother Ahmet. Thank you very much for answering the questions. We've received very good answers. This issue is really sensitive and there are more questions to talk about. Therefore, we would like to see you here again with new questions.
Yes, that would be great. Thank you for this invitation. Let me tell you this. When a lion cub grows up, it naturally becomes a lion. A kitten becomes a cat when it grows up. A human baby surely becomes a human when he grows up. When we look at the animal world here, we see that compassion is indispensable in child education. Even the clawed lion does not use its claws. The lion touches its cubs using the soft parts of its paws. Please don't deprive children of their mother's compassion. Fathers should invest in mothers. Mothers should establish a bond of affection with their children. The relationship and lifestyle of the mother and the father are regarded as models by children.
They should lead a life according to what they want their children to be.
What does this globe mean? What do the objects in it mean? Why do people exist in this world? How to communicate with them? Our values, our rules, if any. We have to explain these to children. I want to start by making an emphatic statement. Our children come to this world through us, but they don't belong to us. The point shouldn't be missed here. So what will this education be like? This education will be practical. It's like driving a car. Along with the theoretical aspect, there's also the practical aspect. In other words, we should show life to children by living it, by representing our relationship and communication with people. We have roughly 15 years for it.
Children are created perfectly. They have nothing to be bent or corrected. So what are we supposed to do? This: To pave the way, and to prepare the environment for the existing potential to come out and develop. Not directly interfering with the child, but forming an environment for them. Suppose that I have an egg in my hand, and there's a bird in it. Can you take it out? Break the egg shell and see what happens. The shell must be broken for the chick to hatch out. If the chick breaks it from the inside, it's the beginning of its life. If you break it from the outside, it's the end of its life. Because the program of the egg is clear inside. The Creator has programed it.
He didn't create it in a way that needs shaping. He set a goal for it, and put some energy for the goal. As long as you form the medium, it will walk towards the goal anyway. The egg can't wait to become a chicken. The potential in it says so. It wants to hatch out, give it affection and warmth, and it will hatch out. Children's feelings are more sensitive than the shell of an egg. When you try to make your son a man by force, you take away his manhood. And in my opinion, this is the biggest drama of conservative families today. When they want to make their children religious by force, they distance them from the religion. It can't be done by force.
You should form the environment, guide them properly, practice what you want in them, and create a bond of trust between you and the child. In that case, they will come after you step by step. In short, education is a process in which the parents act as a role model for their children by living the life in the right way. You can ask more questions based on this definition. There's no age for it, but let me tell you this. My education begins with my mother's childhood education, when my mother was born herself. Not when she gave birth to me.
If I am the child of an unhealthy mother, a mother who cannot control her emotions, who cannot control her anger, or who has psychological problems, it will harm my childhood. You see, it actually starts before me. To give a clear answer to the question you asked, it starts in the womb, when a woman is pregnant,. Because the child feels everything that the mother feels. A child can be born as depressed even. If the mother has experienced depressive episodes, children aged 2, 3, 4 can be very introverted, very shy, and very cowardly. You can understand this from the behaviors of children who constantly try to please their parents. Because in general the child is active.
In general, the child is curious. In general, the child acts as he wishes and feels. He doesn't look left and right. and act according to the environment. But depressed children are timid and experience anxiety because those children experience fear. They rely not on their own feelings, but on the feelings of the authority around them, father and mother. They cannot experience their own feelings. Therefore, they can't be themselves. They become someone else. They start to be an artificial child. I understand the issue of at what age it begins. So how should it be during pregnancy? It's an issue that I want to emphasize as loudly as I can. I want to address men in particular.
If you love your child, and of course, every father loves his child, first, value your wife and care about her, because your child's emotional construction completely depends on the mother. Let me give you an example. Imagine that you're married. Your wife is pregnant and you're eating a banana. You have a banana in your hand, and you think “if only my child in my wife's womb could eat it”. You can actually make your child eat it. Give the banana to the mother, and it will pass from the mother to the child. Similarly, the child's emotional mechanism is built with the energy of compassion coming from the mother. That's why breastfeeding is not just about breastfeeding.
Mothers know this very well. When the mother breastfeeds her baby in her arms, the baby, again and again, stares at her mother, and tries to make an eye contact, stops and tries to make an eye contact, stops and tries to make an eye contact. But if the mother is uninterested, or if she is worried, the child stops feeding. Let me give an example from scientific studies. When a child is born, he asks himself two major questions. Am I safe? Does the other party care about me? The child shouldn't be worried. First of all, a happy mother, a smiling mother, is necessary for it. In this period, at the age of two, three or four, the child does not know rules. The child does not know limits.
It's necessary to ensure the emotional development of the child in this process. Child education is not about setting rules for the child. It's about teaching a child how to study, per se. The emotional development of the child is affected by the emotional closeness between the parents. If a bond of love and trust is established between the parents at home, the child begins to control his emotions in a balanced way, in that atmosphere of love and trust. You can say, "Okay, he learned to control his emotions, but is that the main issue?" Emotions are the source of all our behaviors. People who cannot control their actions and behaviors are those who cannot control their emotions.
If the child has taken control of his emotions, then after the age of four, behavior training begins. The child who has achieved this can now begin to manage their behavior as well. Actually, I say that behavioral education starts after the age of four, but it basically starts at the age of seven. If you ask me what's your evidence? Modern pedagogy says the same thing. Prophet Muhammad salallahu alayhi wa sallam also says the same thing. Why seven years? Because only then, does the child begin to control his behavior. So what should be done up to that time? To ensure the emotional development of children.
As long as the child feels safe in an atmosphere of love and compassion, as long as he feels valuable, "Am I accepted as I am?" as long as he feels this in his environment, the child completes his emotional development. If the parents constantly fight, this child starts to worry. In other words, you disrupt the emotional mechanism of a child whose emotional construction has not yet been completed. If a parent frowns, beats the child, locks them in the room, constantly, puts a brake on every one of his wishes, and says, "Are we supposed to say yes to everything he wants?" I'm talking about a 4-year-old boy. What could this boy want? He wants to reach the drawer of the closet.
All of them are natural desires that originate from the child's curiosity. If you do not allow the child, he will have anxiety. Because the more things, objects the child touches, and the more things he gains dominance of, the more self-confident he becomes. This is what I can't stand. During this period, the child is neglected, is not taken into consideration and is not cared for. The mother says, "What is it?" "What is it?" Then she says, "Go to your father for a while." And the father says to the mother, "Come here and get this kid off me." This child is thrown here and thrown there. The child feels worthless and begins to feel bad. However, the child wants attention in that period.
If you look into the child's eyes and value him while speaking, he'll feel valuable. In a place where there's quarrel, violence, and anger, the child's emotional mechanism begins to suffer. You don't need to do anything special. The child just needs love, to feel safe, and to be accepted as he is. Yes. The reason why a child acts like this, again, I'm sorry to say it, but the parents. What the child does is actually a problem solving method. He has accepted that method. He internalized it. Does the child have to listen to every word of his parents?
The father gets angry and says, "Get out of that place." "Don't eat that." The things we tell a child to do and not to do should be meaningful things. The child wants to write something with a pen, but the mother insistently takes it from his hand, the child sees that he can't get his natural desires in this way. This time child tries something else. He starts to shout. The moment he shouts, the mother says, "Okay, okay, okay, I will give it to you." So the child thinks, "I have found it," he increases it a little more. He thinks, "I have settled the issue now." And now when the child wants something and the parents say no, the method is already clear. The boy has learned it.
Shout, embarrass them, disgrace them. They will say yes to you as not to be disgraced. In the middle of the supermarket, the child will shout, and try to make you do whatever he wants. If parents say yes to the child's reasonable desires, but they say no to unnecessary things, the child will think, "My parents have always said yes to my basic needs, my essential needs. "Since they have said no to this," it must be something unnecessary." The child will take it naturally and won't say anything. But if parents act arbitrarily, things will change. Now, I'm talking to you now. Suppose that I have a 4-year-old daughter who came and called out "Dad!", and I said, "What is it?
"Can't you see I'm in the middle of a conversation?" I have a guest. Go." What did I do? I trivialized my daughter in your presence. I humiliated her. Would you feel good if you were in her position? Suppose that I said to my guest, "I'm sorry." Then I turn to my daughter. "Yes, honey, I've got it. "Okay." "I'm talking to my friend right now." "In half an hour or an hour, etc." I can say a certain time. "We will do it with you. "Okay, honey." In that case, the child felt valuable and important. She didn't feel angry with me. And she is going to wait there. For example, I said half an hour. So I must do it when the time comes.
But if I yelled, humiliated, and sent the child away, she would start to feel anger towards me. I started to hurt the child's feelings. It's an essential need. We must take care of it, but we don't do so. We say, "There's a guest. Look what she says to me." She cannot understand what hosting a guest is, or the importance of a guest. Thus, we trivialize, degrade our children, and they lose their self-confidence. Such children can get depressed very easily. If we exclude children, we push them aside because they are just children, they will always be pushed aside psychologically. They don't want to follow the rules that are set by their mothers.
They try to punish the parents by breaking the rules. There is a question. "How can I make my child love prayer and the Quran? "I think I am inadequate in this regard." Great question. I want to give an example from His life, alayhissalatu wassalam. Anas bin Malik, radiallahu anhu, was brought and given to our Prophet, alayhissalatu wassalam, when he was 4 years old. When the Prophet came to Madina, everyone was giving gifts to Him, alayhissalatu wassalam, but Anas bin Malik's mother was poor. She had nothing, so she gave Anas to him, Anas stayed with the Prophet, alayhissalatu wassalam, for ten years. The Prophet treated him as if He was his father.
Anas radiallahu anhu said, How will we live then? If you had asked Anas radiallahu anhu, he would have given his life for the Prophet, alayhissalatu wassalam. Because the Prophet alayhissalatu wassalam established an incredible bond of love, an incredible bond of trust with him, and Anas just imitated the person he loved. That's all. That's what mothers should do first, too. To establish a bond of love between her and her child. The one who doesn't love his father, doesn't love the prayer his father performs either. I sometimes say, please don't make salah after yelling at your children. This child is angry with you. At that moment, when you make Salah, the child will hate the salah.
The child should first love his mother and father in order to love their religious values, because it's in the nature of human beings to imitate the person they love. Famous people are imitated. Why? People love them, and imitate the behaviors of their loved ones. The Prophet alayhissalatu wassalam first became Muhammad al-Amin, the trustworthy. Then He became Muhammad the messenger, alayhissalatu wassalam. Then He started preaching the message. He first became trustworthy. Then He said, "Do this, don't do that." The same thing holds true for parents.
If there's a bond of love and trust between you and the child, he will think, "This man won't harm me and this woman won't harm me." When he's attached to his mother and father with love, he will imitate what they do. 2-year-old, 3-year-old, 4-year-old children bow down and stand next to us on the prayer mat, don't they? That's how it continues. When does it become a problem? When the bond of trust and love between you and your child breaks. He takes that broken bond, and connects it to someone else. He's fed from whoever he is connected to. If that person does not perform prayers, if that person doesn't make salah, the child doesn't make it either.
Just because your child is physically at your home doesn't mean that your child acts according to your values. You need to see who affects the heart of the child. The child imitates whoever he has an emotional bond with. The child becomes a member of a gang. But he is at your home, he eats your bread, uses your house, but does what the gang says. Then you say, "What an ungrateful child," and you go crazy. The child is now detached from you. I say, please don't break that bond. That bond is extremely important. In other words, when the child says, "Mom", let there be an enthusiasm in him. When the child says, "Dad", let the child's eyes sparkle. Do not worry about such a child.
In such an age where waves are intense, the child will fluctuate, too. But if you hold his hand, if that bond continues, don't worry. Eventually that child will come to you. Brother. There's a question. "I find it difficult to set a goal for my child. You shouldn't set a goal for your child. Someone can’t come and set a goal for me. You should set a goal together with your child. The child should approve that goal. He should want it. The *father says, for example, "You're going to be a doctor," but the child doesn't want to be a doctor. The father says, "You're going to work there," but the child doesn't want to work there. He doesn't like it.
The father, for example, tries to satisfy himself by making his son study engineering because he himself couldn't study engineering. But the child doesn't want it. If I imposed a goal for you, would you accept it? But you can sit together with the child and exchange ideas. You can say, "My son, I don't know. But you can try this one, too." Or "Let's think about that one, too." "Let me introduce you to a dentist." That's actually what's happened with someone I know. The son of that person came up with the idea of becoming a dentist just two months before the deadline of choosing a major. Then his father introduced him to a few dentists and they talked.
And after that, he decided to be a dentist. What he thought two months ago was engineering. Give your child the space to make his own choice, to set his goal himself and just be his helper in this process. Look, the same thing holds true about playing games for the child. When you play with the child, the captain is the child. He's in the driver's seat. A 2-year-old will never give you the wheel. Once you start managing, he will immediately deactivate you. He will hand you a toy to distract you. He means this: "Yes. "Give me your opinion if you can help." But I am the captain." We shouldn't deprive the child of being the captain. We shouldn't do it in any stage of their lives.
Suppose that this child wanted to marry someone you didn't want or approve of in the future. Then what? What would you do? If you put a ban again, you cannot settle the issue. But if you have the habit of being beside him, listening to his ideas, and estimating the pros and cons together, if you're used to it, the child will think. He will evaluate all the parameters and decide. Otherwise, he gets stubborn and won't listen to what you say. Therefore, please exchange ideas with him and establish a bond of interest and trust. I insistently underline it. If you do so, it will be quite easy for you to solve the problems. I'll give you an interesting example. Wundt is the founder of psychology.
He experienced an interesting incident. Once a child got into mud, and he was looking at the child. A friend who was passing by said, "Wundt, aren't you going to take this kid out of the mud?" And his answer was this: "I'm thinking about it, too. "I'm trying to find a way to explain to him" that he needs to get out of the mud." He didn't grab the kids arm and take him out. We manage the children manually, but the management mechanism of the child is within the child. There's a mechanism called conscience. There's a mechanism of justice. There's a mechanism of sensitivity. There's a mechanism of empathy.
When all these mechanisms mature, when that child sees some litter on the floor at home, he will remove it. The child must believe that he needs to study. The child himself must believe that he needs to brush his teeth. He will do it if he believes. Persuade him. If you read books regularly, your child will follow you. But there is one condition. There must be a bond of love between you and the child. If there is no bond, your behavior won't be passed on to the child. If you don't have an emotional bond, your values won't be passed on to the child. If you build a bond of love, just live. The rest will follow. Don't try in vain to make a man of the boy. Act like a man and leave the rest.
Everything will fall into place. Again in a very hot topic nowadays, brother, Yes, it really is. Of course, working parents have a really hard time. Ideally, we advise the mother to take a long leave, and stay with the child up to the age of three, if it's possible. No matter what happens, she should try her best to take an unpaid leave. There are so many cases regarding this issue. A working mother left her child when the child was two, three months old. It's necessary to be very careful. Let me share some scientific data, and let the parents decide. There are doctoral thesis, 100, 200, 500, maybe thousand cases were examined, and 95% of them confirmed this.
There's one reason that definitely leads children to depression and makes them feel depressed. The separation of the child from the mother before the age of three. Such a child cannot get out of depression. He becomes timid and cowardly. He becomes introverted, and gets self-confidence problems. Until the age of three, the child doesn't even know that he or she is an individual. There's a period called mini adolescence. It corresponds to the age of three, three and a half. You know, there's a phase in childhood where the child always says, "I will open the door," "I will hold it, I will do it, I will handle it." That is the period when the child discovers his own self.
He thinks, “I'm an individual.” “If I want something, it will happen.” “If I don't want it, it won't happen.” For example, he sometimes insists, "I won't give it. I won't give it." The child actually takes pleasure out of it because he sees that when he doesn't give, the other person cannot take it. But until that age, the child regards himself as a part of his mother. He regards him as one of her fingers, for example. If a finger were to be chopped off from you, could it live on its own? This is how the child sees himself. Think about it.
When this child is separated from the mother, the mother leaves the child when he's sleeping, for example, when the child wakes up and doesn't see his mother, he experiences a trust problem. "She disappears without telling me." It's not certain when the mother will return. Or the mother leaves the child crying and goes. That's why the first condition is that the mother take a leave and spend time with the child, at least until the age of three. You will have easier times in the future. If it's not possible, grandmas should stay with the child, especially the maternal grandmother. The maternal grandmother would be much more appropriate.
She should stay with the child, establish a bond with him, and look after him. Someone familiar. She should be soft and calm to him. If it's not possible, a gentle nanny should try to spend the child's first childhood stage with him. But when the mother gets home, she should spend all the remaining time with her child. But she shouldn't do this. Mothers can spoil their children a lot because they have a guilty conscience. That's why she comes home with gifts every evening. In that case, what you get is an insatiable child. The child needs you. The child needs you, not the gifts you bring. He needs your scent. Spend time with your child. But don't spoil him. Be caring.
Act with love, but try to satisfy him with yourself, not with toys. "My child changed a lot when he grew up. "He wasn't like that before." Yeah, these are sad but true events, actually. This is the period of adolescence in general. Adolescence is the period when you get what you give. If you say, “the boy has suddenly changed”, it means the child was two-faced until that stage. The child was like that before, but he didn't have the courage to show it because he needed money, he needed you. He was weak, powerless, and unable to say anything. In a house where there's fear and oppression, the child becomes two-faced. He behaves in a way that pleases you.
But as he gets stronger with the adolescence period, suddenly he reveals his true self. Then you'll be shocked and say, "Our kid wasn't like that.” "Our boy would never do that." “I guarantee he wouldn't do anything like that." But he did it on the street. There are ten witnesses. So is the father lying? No, the father is telling the truth. But the father is talking about the child next to him. He talks about the version of the child when he is with his parents. His identity on the street is different. He stance next to you is different. There are unbelievable lies, doing things behind backs, appearing different inside the house from outside the house. That's why adolescence is a result.
It's a result brought about by your practices. Do you want to change the result? You need to change the process. The methods you use are wrong. You need to change those methods. You need to get support. You need to get help. Otherwise, if you follow the same way without support, nothing will change. It will even get worse. Yeah. A lie is a result. It means there is pressure in that house. There's fear in that house. The child cannot tell the truth. Lying is not a behavioral disorder in children. It's not a personality disorder either. Lying occurs in children as a problem solving method.
If the child does it all the time and achieves his goal, he starts to adopt lying and then it starts to turn into a behavioral disorder. Then he continues his life with lies. So please destroy the fear culture at home. Eliminate it. Sit comfortably with your children. Listen to your children's requests and expectations. Allow them to do the right ones and try to come to terms with them about why they shouldn't do the wrong ones. Otherwise, if you try to do it by intimidation, suppression, and violence, there will be two-faced children. They will start to do things through tricks and deception.
There are many houses in which the father intimidates the children and the mother cooperates with the children. They do things behind the father's back. The mother distributes money to them. She has to. There's nothing else to do. This time, you raise a generation that does things behind people's backs. The father thinks that everything goes well. He doesn't know anything. The reason for lying is fear and oppression. Remove them and lying will disappear. Brother Ahmet. Thank you very much for answering the questions. We've received very good answers. This issue is really sensitive and there are more questions to talk about. Therefore, we would like to see you here again with new questions.
Yes, that would be great. Thank you for this invitation. Let me tell you this. When a lion cub grows up, it naturally becomes a lion. A kitten becomes a cat when it grows up. A human baby surely becomes a human when he grows up. When we look at the animal world here, we see that compassion is indispensable in child education. Even the clawed lion does not use its claws. The lion touches its cubs using the soft parts of its paws. Please don't deprive children of their mother's compassion. Fathers should invest in mothers. Mothers should establish a bond of affection with their children. The relationship and lifestyle of the mother and the father are regarded as models by children.
They should lead a life according to what they want their children to be.