“My Heart Stopped, but Allah Gave Me Another Chance!” - Emotional Story of Akhi Ayman

“My Heart Stopped, but Allah Gave Me Another Chance!” - Emotional Story of Akhi Ayman

I came back from work, I see a friend. But a few minutes later, as I’ve walked away, he stabbed me in my back. And the knife comes out of my stomach. I’ve turned around to try and fight him, but I’m weak, because I’m bleeding so much. When I went to the hospital, he said that, “We’re trying to bring you back to life. You’re not coming back. We’re trying to use the defibrillator. Clear, you’re not coming back.” So the doctor looked at the time, and said, “Time of death.” Wallahi (I swear by Allah) he put the sheet over my head. Just before he left the room, the machine came back. Beep, beep, beep. I was in prison. I remember seeing my mother come to the prison. I said to my mom, “You’re never going to see me again.” “What are you talking about, Ayman? I’m your mother. Don’t cancel my visit!” I remember that day getting a phone call from my sister. And my sister was like, “Ayman, Mom’s not feeling well!” I’m getting phone calls from my brother. “Ayman, I’m going to say this once and once only…” After a few seconds, I was… how… I couldn’t control myself! Assalamu alaikum (Peace be upon you), Akhi Ayman. -Wa alaikum salam. Thank you so much for being with us at Towards Eternity. -I appreciate it. We are very happy to have you with us. I just want to start with: who is Akhi Ayman, can you tell us briefly about your life, please? So I came from Iraq, lived a hard life because of 9/11. After that, living a criminal background, went to prison, came out, got stabbed, but there was still hope for me. And then I changed my ways, and I came back to Allah. And now, I just want to motivate the, the youth to do better. I was very good to my parents. I always prayed five times a day, that wasn’t a problem. I was respectful to my parents. My parents loved me, they still do, I hope. But just things on the street, you had to deal with it yourself. And this is the streets of London. I was getting bullied for not speaking English, being attacked because of 9/11. And then in the process of it, I would say around 14, 15, is when the trouble started. And serious trouble. It wasn’t little crimes. It was just constantly violence. And obviously as time went on, we got caught up in situations, obviously you already know what happened in September the 11th. So, me and my brothers, we were never in gangs. We were never people that went out there and, and tried to get fame or tried to make a name for ourselves. So, I come from an area where every area, every block, every housing estate had a gang member you can name, and we were like in the middle. Other people were coming to attack us that we don’t, we don’t have problems with. Constantly, battle after battle. Everyday was a battle. Sometimes you don’t know where the enemies would come from. So, we would defend ourselves. In the process, we get in trouble by police, we go to prison, and we learn from it. Can you take us to the point where you say, “Wait a minute, what am I doing?” to the day when your life started to change? I remember when I was in prison for around two years, over two years, around that period. I remember seeing my mother come to the prison. So, this was like a year into prison. So, I haven’t seen my mom yet. I just speak to her on the phone. So, my mother came to prison, and, um, I remember seeing her in a hijab (headscarf), abaya (cloak), like a woman of worship, a woman that fears Allah. I remember seeing her, she’s like this, and she is getting, basically, she’s getting searched. Like, they’re searching her. And in that moment, when I saw my mother and then when she came to see me, I couldn’t hug her, I couldn’t kiss her, I couldn’t like, because there was a glass window. And I couldn’t even smell my mother. And I remember like, seeing my mother cry. That was… that was the changing, that was, that was the changing point for me when I said to myself that, “When I come out of prison, I’m going to make my parents proud. I’m going to get a job. I’m going to do, I’m going to be a good son. I’m going to make my parents proud. I’m going to get a job, I’m going to work, I’m going to give them money, and I’m going to take my Islamic studies seriously.” I said to my mom, “You’re never going to come and see me again. I can’t. I can’t see you like this, to come to see me. I can’t.” And I remember seeing, and I remember remembering her face, my mother telling me, “What you…” “What are you talking about, Ayman? I’m your mother. Don’t cancel my visit. I’m coming, I’m coming.” I said, “No, Mom.” Every time she would do, I would cancel it. I would cancel it. And then, after we left, after she left, I went back to my room in my cell, and I just started crying to Allah. “So I’m sorry, ya Rabb. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for making my parents sad. I’m sorry for disobeying You. I’m sorry for taking matters into my own hands. I’m sorry for seeking revenge. I’m sorry for following my own desires.” You’re a son, I miss my mom. I missed, I missed her hugs, I missed her food, I missed her kisses, I missed… How can I say this? I missed her walking past my room and, and, and telling me, “Ayman, good night.” You know what I’m saying? I was in the cell. I made wudu (ablution) again, I prayed two rakat (units of prayer), and I said, “Tawbah ya Rabb (Repentance, oh my Lord), I seek Your forgiveness, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the people that I’ve hurt. Most importantly, I’m sorry for hurting my own parents. Because they don’t deserve to come and see me in prison. They raised a good boy, and I am a good boy. But I just didn’t know how to say no.” Sometimes when you have a conversation with Allah, you don’t need to say anything. It’s the silent du’a (supplication) that you say with Allah becomes the loudest. And this was my situation in that moment, it’s the silent du’a (supplication) that you do that’s between you and Allah that becomes the loudest. Because you don’t need to say nothing. Allah knows what’s in your heart. The day I was finally reunited, I remember I was with my, um, my, my older brother came to pick me up. And the process of my older brother coming to pick me up, my mother didn’t know, my dad and mom didn’t know. I came out of prison, I went straight to probation, to just go sign. Then from probation, I went straight home. They came back from Jum’ah (Friday prayer). It was Salat al-Jum’ah (Friday prayer), they finished. And then when they came home, I was like, “Surprise!” And then my mom and dad started crying, and we’re hugging each other, and my mom made food, and… ah, it was just mad. And I remember eating, um, bamia (okra) and dolma (stuffed grape leaves). Ah, it was, it was the best. So, can you tell us about that day that you were attacked? I think there was a stabbing. So, there was, there was on two occasions where I got stabbed. The first occasion, it was around May 2014. When I just came out of prison, I was on my way to go to a dentist appointment, I met somebody that I had problems with. He was in a gang. But when the train came, and he left the train station, because he was leaving the train, he gave a knife to somebody that came, and stabbed me in my leg. That was my first stabbing. The second stabbing, which was a few months later in August, it was by a friend. I came back from work, I see a friend. I walked up towards him, like head-on. As I saw him, as soon as we did that, we’re talking. About a few minutes later, as I’ve walked away, he stabbed me in my back. And the knife comes out of my stomach. So it was a big knife. So he stabbed me, and then I’ve turned around to try and fight him, but I’m weak because I’m, I’m bleeding so much. And the knife, like, it’s a big blade, but the knife had little spikes. So when it goes, it goes inside, it goes in smooth, but when it comes out, because of the daggers, it takes out your body parts, it takes out your insides with it. And then he ran away, and then I went to the shop, I said, “Please call the ambulance, I’ve been stabbed,” and I fell on the floor. When I went to the hospital, and, um, the doctor, like before he operated on me, he said that, “In the process of we thinking that you was okay,” he said that, “Your heart stopped. So we took you into the surgery room. We’re trying to bring you back to life. You’re not coming back. We’re trying to use the defibrillator. Clear, you’re not coming back.” So the doctor looked at the time, and said, “Time of death.” Wallahi (I swear by Allah) he put the sheet over my head. And he was going to walk out of the room to go and inform my mother, my father, my brothers, my friends, that Ayman has passed away, he died. Just before he left the room, the machine came back. Beep, beep, beep. -Subhanallah. This is a mercy from Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala (Glorified and Exalted is He). Like, it just goes to show that the machines of this dunya (world), of this world, cannot bring you back to life. It is Allah that brings you back to life. And this doctor was not Muslim, no Christian, he doesn’t believe in God. But this opened up his eyes. Yeah! He said, “In my 40 years of being a doctor, I have never seen something like this.” They took my mom, they took my baby sister, and they came to the hospital. And after the surgery, of 18 hours surgery, I was on life support machine for nine days. When I woke up, I remember panicking. I remember waking up and I was like to the doctor, like, I was like to the nurse, “Go and call the doctor, like, um, he forgot something on my belly! Like, what are you doing?” And then they said to me, “Ayman, for now you’re going to be living with this for, for a little while, and then we’ll see if, if you could, if we could reverse it and go back to normal.” So I live currently with a bag on my stomach. So, right here, I have a bag, which basically means I don’t go to the toilet and do a number two. And, and I’ve got pain. I’m constantly in pain. Like, 24/7. Even right now, I’m in pain. But because my body is so used to it, I know how to control it by not showing the people how I feel. And that’s why I joke a lot, I laugh a lot, I make banter, as they call it, a lot. It’s to make me forget about my pain. So, after this stabbing, some time after that, I got kidnapped. I got taken by some enemies. And, um, just like the torture, the pain they put me through, it was, it’s what it led to a lot of my stomach being removed, my bowel intestines being removed. And then this is why the doctor said, “Now you have this forever.” And in that process, the doctor said I can never have kids, because of the damage they caused me. So He tests me. But I left him. Wallahi (I swear by Allah) I left him. Wallahi (I swear by Allah) I know, I knew them. I knew how to get back to them. I knew where they lived. I knew where they get around, where they, like… SubhanAllah (Glory be to Allah) what car their mother drives! But I left it to Allah. I was his friend. I went to the same school as him. And to be honest, as much as I hate him, as much as I wanna hurt him and seek revenge, and revenge is not from Islam… but say for instance, if Allah brings him to Islam, I will hug and kiss him. I would love him like my own brother, because Islam tells you to put your differences aside. I had some enemies, but now those enemies are my friends. They’re my brothers. Why? Ashhadu an la ilaha illa Allah! (I bear witness that there is no god but Allah). The Deen (religion) puts you first. We don’t care about your blood, we don’t care about your skin. If you’re black, white, blue, green, you name it. We are Muslims, and Islam brings us together. There was a guy that I know that we used to go around trying to kill each other. The moment he became a Muslim, he contacted me. Wallahil-azim (I swear by Allah the Magnificent) he contacted me, “Ya (oh) Ayman, Assalamu alaikum (Peace be upon you) Ayman, just to let you know I’ve become a Muslim. It would be good to see you.” I’m thinking in my head, “This guy is a liar. The first person that stabbed me, he said he was a Muslim. What’s, what’s this guy talking about?” But now I’m very good friends with him. Can you tell us how lived the last days of your mom and how she passed away, if it’s not private? I remember was 2022. My mom and two of my brothers, they did their time in Medina, then they went to Mecca. I remember that day getting a phone call from my sister. And my sister was like, “Ayman, Mom’s not feeling well. Make du’as (supplications).” I was like “Look, I’m about to go into a lecture to do a khutbah (sermon), I will contact you after. But I’ll make du’a (supplication).” So while I was in the khutbah (sermon), giving a lecture, I’m getting phone calls from my brother. Then my wife is phoning me. Then my sister’s phoning me. Then my older sister’s phoning me. Everyone’s phoning me. Like, my mind knew, but my heart didn’t want to accept it. Like, they’re phoning me to tell me. My mom went to Mecca, she was making Umrah (minor pilgrimage), and she, she died in her Umrah (minor pilgrimage). And then I remember answering the phone call by my brother who’s with her. So when I answered, I thought it was good news. So, Alhamdulillah (Praise be to Allah). My brother’s calling me. Why is he calling me on video call? Maybe to show me my mom, right? I remember seeing my brother. My brother goes, “Ayman, I’m going to say this once and once only… Our mother… has returned back to Allah.” And then he hung up. This was during a talk, and it was filmed, it was… and I remember, I think, um, I’m happy that the full video didn’t go out because after a few seconds I was… how… I couldn’t control myself. Alhamdulillah (Praise be to Allah) but… She was a great woman. First time being in Mecca. First time doing Umrah (minor pilgrimage). First time. The whole time she was in Mecca and Medina, I didn’t speak to her. But the day, the day before she comes back, um… the day before she comes back, she sends me a voice note. “Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh (Peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be upon you) Ayman…” She said, “Ayman, I’m coming back soon, give me the measurements for this, so I can bring it back with me.” That’s the last thing she said to me. Ah, ya Rabb (oh Lord). Alhamdulillah (Praise be to Allah). Eight months, nine months after her death, I remember she came to my dream, and she’s like, “Have you forgotten about me, Ayman?” And I’m getting closer, but every time I’m getting closer, she’s getting far, far, far, and I can’t see her face. Her face is just light. I can’t see her face. But I’m trying to run towards her, she’s just moving back, like she’s going. You know what it reminded me of? That I forget to make du’a (supplication) for her sometimes. That’s why she came to me in my dream, “Ayman, have you forgotten about me?” -Subhanallah. Wallahi (I swear by Allah) there will come a time where you’re going to wish you had a phone call from your dad, a phone call from your mother, just for you to answer, say, “Yes, Mom. Yes, Dad, what do you want? Where do you want me to go for you? What do you want me to get for you? What shop do you want me to go to, Mom? Let me know what do you want. I’ll go and do it.” You see, I don’t get that phone call no more. My mom’s gone. Respect, respect your parents. In the Quran, says you can’t even utter the word “uff” (expression of disapproval) to your parents. I heard that you got married quite young. How did you meet your spouse, and what was that journey like for you? Well, having my wife and being able to break out of the culture that we live in, you know, we come from Kurdish, Iraqi background. They want you to get married to your own kind. So I got married to someone completely the opposite of me. I didn’t make my parents happy, one of them, yes, Because they were, they just wanted me to be happy. The other one didn’t accept it, but it’s not for them. I’m doing everything islamically correct. You can’t say to me no. You have to come from the Islamic term of telling me why I can’t marry this person. So Alhamdulillah (Praise be to Allah) I got married. So I took that on as, as something that would, Insha’Allah (if Allah wills), be a form of sadaqah (charity) for me to be taking care of a child that isn’t mine. So, having a child that I got told I can never have, and Allah opened up a door for me with a woman that has a child… It, it would, like Allah, You chose this for me. You chose this for me. I’m going take this one. That’s it. And I need this. I need a family. And Allah gave me that. The beginning stages was very hard, I’m not going to lie, being the stepdad. And I don’t like the term “stepdad.” I like the term, “I’m just a dad that stepped up.” It’s not “stepdad,” you understand? I did something that another man couldn’t do, and I’m grateful for that. I’m happy for that. The worst decision Akhi Ayman has ever made? Going to prison. That’s, that’s, that’s something I regret. And the best decision? Best is getting married. Getting married. Alhamdulillah (Praise be to Allah). The best and the worst comments Akhi Ayman has ever received? I remember there was a, there was a man, he came to me and he saw me at a cafe. He came and gave me a hug, and he said to me, “Bro, just to let you know, my 12 years old daughter wore the hijab (headscarf) because of you.” And that made me so happy. He goes, “But that’s not why I’m telling you.” As in like, “That’s not, that’s not, that’s the least of it.” He said, “Because of my daughter, my wife started to wear the hijab too.” SubhanAllah (Glory be to Allah). I’m not here to guide no one, guidance comes from Allah. I’m just here to tell you, “Just do the basics of Islam, and leave the rest to Allah.” The thing Akhi Ayman enjoys doing the most? Playing football. Playing football. Like, football, football. Not American football, but… No, no, football, they call it soccer, but we call it football. Football, that’s it. The last thing you searched on Google? -Last thing I searched, I’ll tell you. -Yeah, sure. I’ll show you right now. Let me check. -Please check. You’re going to, you’re going to like this. What, Trabzon? Turkey. -Turkey. Last thing I looked up, that’s it. I was just thinking “Beautiful place.” That’s the last thing. I went on Google, still there, yeah. So you’re going to visit, Insha’Allah (if Allah wills). I love, I love nature. I love greenery. So when I was looking at this place, Turkey, I’m like, “Oh, this beautiful place. I need to go there, yeah.” A funny moment where you felt extremely embarrassed, the moment you could never forget? Like in a positive way. There was a time when I think I was, I was, um, I was on TV, on, on, on BBC years ago, yeah. I was doing something documentary inside the hospital. And I was saying like this, in front of everyone, and no one’s shaking my hand. And it was a very, very embarrassing moment for me, to such a level the cameraman moved the camera just to give me some… but he didn’t wanna show me. He didn’t wanna show the world. So I was just standing there like this, and the cameraman’s watching me, and… and for me, that was the most embarrassing moment. There are many people whose lives were completely transformed by your means. From the ones you remember, which of them affected you the most emotionally? I think I was in Mecca a few years ago. And I remember I was with a group of like maybe 30, 40 people. And I remember as I’m coming out of the, as I’m coming out of the hotel to go towards the Kaaba, the brother goes, “Ayman, Ayman, he’s calling you.” So a brother came, “Assalamu alaikum.” “Wa alaikum assalam .” And then in front of everyone, he’s like, “Ayman, because of you, I stopped drug dealing.” And in that moment, like my heart couldn’t hold in the tears that I had in my eyes and I just started crying. Like, I don’t mean this. Like guidance don’t come from me. But for someone to tell me that, “Because I watched your story and I saw how you spoke about your life and how you repented, it made me give up, and now that’s the reason I’m here.” He said, “I got a job just to get halal (lawful/permissible) money to come and pay for this trip.” Like, you can’t make this stuff up. Alhamdulillah (Praise be to Allah). May Allah keep us sincere. Allahuma Ameen (Oh Allah, accept it). I want you to be sincere and open with me. If you were to die right now, do you feel yourself closer to Hell or Paradise? Hell. Wallahi (I swear by Allah). Because I don’t know if anything I’m doing is, is, is accepted. And I think about this. Like, what’s my, like do I have intentions, my intentions correct? Am I, am I doing this for the people, am I doing this for Allah? Like, I’m scared. We have a battle within ourselves. And I don’t know where I’m going. But at least I could leave something that people will remember me with that’s goodness, and they can make du’a (supplication) for me. And I leave the rest to Allah, because only by the mercy, the rahmah (mercy) of Allah I will enter Jannah (paradise). But I’m scared, I don’t know. I know it’s almost impossible to choose, but what is the one ayah (verse) that touches you the most? Gale Innama ashku bath-thee wa huznee ila Allah. My favorite ayah (verse). “I only complain of my grief and my worry to Allah.” Not to my wife, not to my mom, not to my dad, not to my kids, to no one, only to Allah. And this is from Surah Yusuf (Chapter Joseph). It was Yaqub alaihissalam (peace be upon him) after losing Yusuf alaihissalam (peace be upon him) where his brothers tried to kill him and said that he died. What did he say? Innama ashku bath-thee wa huznee ila Allah. And if we, all of us, adopt this ayah (verse) into our lives, everything will change. Don’t tell people your problems. They don’t care. They’re happy you’re going through problems, but they won’t tell you. Except the sincere one, the one that really believes in Allah and he wants goodness for you, he would advise you. The rest, they don’t care. They like the fact that you’re miserable. They like the fact that you’re going through troubles. The first thing Akhi Ayman would do if he got to Paradise? Even though I lost my mom a few years ago, she passed away in Mecca, may Allah have mercy on her. And even though I miss her, and I want to see her, and I want to… but the first thing I want to do is, is see the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). Other than Allah, obviously. I want to see the Prophet and I want to thank him and I want to hug him and I want to kiss him, and I want to show my appreciation, because of him, I’m a Muslim today. Because if he gave up, where would everyone be today? But he didn’t give up. “You didn’t give up. I’m Muslim because of you. I knew about Quran because of you, Quran was revealed to you. I know of the Sunnah (prophetic tradition) of how to treat my wife, how to treat my parents, how to treat my neighbors that are not Muslim, because of you. I knew how to have mercy in my heart towards the people, because of you, ya Rasulullah (oh Messenger of Allah) (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him).” And I would say, “I’m sorry for failing you. I’m sorry for not doing more for the Ummah (Muslim community).” A person sees you in an elevator. He recognizes you and asks, “I have everything I need in my life, why should I restrict myself by becoming a religious person?” How would you respond to him in one minute? You have nothing in your life if you don’t have Allah. Allah busies you with the dunya (world). You think to yourself you have everything. But what is everything when you don’t have Allah? Allah will let you enjoy yourself. But when you don’t have Iman (faith) in your heart, brother, Allah will make you forget yourself. As the ayah (verse) says: Wa la takunu kalladhina nasu Allaha fa-ansahum anfusahum “And do not be like those that forgot Allah, for indeed, Allah will make you forget yourself.” And how does He make you forget yourself? Is by making you get busy in the worldly affairs. “I made this million pounds, I got this car, I got this house, I got this family.” It wasn’t Allah, it was me. No, no, no, no, Allah makes you say this. Because you forgot Him. For indeed Allah makes you forget yourself. Many young people who say that “I’m buried in sin, how can I get out of this?” What would you like to say to those people? No matter how many steps you take away from Allah, it takes one step to say, “Ya Rabb (oh Lord), forgive me. Ya Rabb (oh Lord), forgive me.” Sincerely in your heart, Allah will forgive you. Allah will immediately forgive you. If you’re sincere. And He will forgive everything. You see, shaytan (Satan/devil) told you you’ve committed so much sins Allah would never forgive you. But Allah told you, “For as long as your sins reached the skies, and you repent, I will forgive you. For as long as your soul is in your body.” But don’t ever justify a sin by ever calling it something such as a “journey”. Because I can’t drink alcohol and call it “your journey”. But let me stay with my fitnah (temptation/trial). You see Allah Subhana wa Ta’ala (Glorified and Exalted is He) blessed the women, and elevated them. And if you want to destroy a society, you would let women be naked. And this is happening today. Modesty restores a society. And God-fearing men would lower their gaze and they will remember Allah. And by the way, I’ve always said this: without the women, God-fearing women in our Ummah (Muslim community) today, the Ummah (Muslim community) would have been destroyed a long time ago. It’s the du’a (supplication) of the mothers that’s making us strong.