An Atheist Converts to Islam: "My Mother’s Tragic D*ath Led Me to Islam”

An Atheist Converts to Islam: “My Mother’s Tragic D*ath Led Me to Islam”

Every time I went out with my friends, my goal was I’m going to drink so much so I can’t remember anything. I was drinking, drinking, drinking. When I went to bed, I just hoped, I hoped that I would not wake up. I could not see the purpose of this life. If this is everything, turn off the game, turn off everything. I don’t want to be part of this. The religion was not the answer. I got a call from my uncle, my mom’s brother, and he said, “Mom is in the hospital and it’s serious.” You know, the heart monitor just went flatline and the doctor came in and said there’s nothing we can do. I remember sitting there. I lift my hands up. Whoever hears me, whoever sees me, guide me. I don’t know what happened, it was like something clicked, and I was so scared. Because I understood that whatever He’s saying now is true. Wherever it comes from is true. Which means Islam is true. And I was so scared. If you don’t do this now, you might never do it. I was like, I gotta do it. I said it. I said, Ashhadu an la ilaha illallah, Ashhadu anna Muhammad Rasulullah. Assalamu alaikum (Peace be upon you) brother Simon Wallgren, thank you so much for accepting our invitation. As Toward Eternity we are very happy to have you with us. Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. Who is Simon Wallgren? Can you tell us briefly about your life please? Um, originally from Sweden, born and raised. And I was actually raised as an atheist. I at some point in my life, lost someone I loved very much. That made me wake up. And eventually that led me to the religion of Islam. How was your life before Islam? Can you take us to those days? For me it was kind of a transition. When I was around 11, 12, like start of getting into my teenage years, my parents, they divorced, right? So that was kind of a turning point for me because now I’m living with my mother, my father, he moved. A lot of stability disappeared. You know, as a boy, when you don’t have a male role model, something breaks inside of you. You feel incomplete. There’s no one there to guide you. And I didn’t know what to do, right? And my mom, unfortunately, after divorce, she became worse. She started drinking a lot. She started partying a lot, bringing different men to our house. Imagine that. Like, I lost stability. And even in my home, I didn’t feel safe. Like different strangers every day. Like, it felt very, very off. And I was just again, distracting myself, partying and all of this, right? It was almost like I was in darkness already, but there’s different depths of darkness, different levels. And it just felt like I went into the lower level to the lower level. It just kept on going. I was obviously like, didn’t know that back then, but I was depressed. Like really depressed. And it came to a point where I, every evening when I went to bed, I just hoped, I hoped that I would not wake up. I could not see the purpose of this life. If this is everything, turn off the game, turn off everything. I don’t want to be part of this. It was very hard waking up every morning. When I was in high school, my last year, my mom, she met a guy from another town and she decided to move, right, together with my sister. She gave me the option to move with her, but I was in my last year. So if I’m going to move, I’m going to start all over again, right? And remember, I hated to be alone. I had no one, it was just me and a cat. And I had to pay my bills myself. I was in school, I had three jobs. That was really tough. Every time I went out with my friends, without drinking and not… My goal was I’m going to drink so much, so I can’t remember anything. That’s my goal now. And I was drinking, drinking, drinking, right? When I finished school, I started working more than full time, right? Just to distract myself. And I got a call from my uncle, my mom’s brother, and he said, “You know, your mom is in the hospital and it’s serious.” It was very weird. I did not know how to feel. I was obviously very worried. Because obviously it’s my mother, I do love her. But because of this whole history we had behind us, everything was very messy. And one thing I kept on thinking about, I, I hope there’s more time to talk to her. There are so many things we need to solve. So many things I need to say. Right? And we drove there. Me, her mom, my uncle, his wife. We drove there. And she was in a coma. She was in, you know, the hospital bed. It was so surreal, right? And the doctor came in and said, there’s nothing we can do. And I remember I held her hand. It was like cold. It was just… As an atheist, it’s very hard. Or very easy when you don’t have to be close to death to say that there’s nothing… There’s nothing after death. Right? You just die, and that’s it. But it’s hard to believe that when you’re in front of your, your parent practically dead, right? You can see like there was so many contradicting things going through in my mind, right? And all the things I wanted to say to her. You know, I was so angry at her, at the same time I missed her, at the same time like, so many conflicting feelings. You know, the heart monitor just went flatline. And I was really sad. Like I was really… And it’s funny ‘cause I didn’t know I– it sounds very weird but I didn’t know I loved her so much, you know? And I think it reminded me so much about how close death is. When, when you have maybe a loved one who’s very old, and they pass away. It’s kind of understandable, you know, they had a nice life. But her, she was like 41 years old and she had this alcohol problem, you know, gambling problem. Her life was just miserable, you know, she grew up in a very bad home, a lot of domestic violence. And it was not a life. That was kind of the wake up call I needed. Obviously going through this period of grief, it felt extremely hopeless and dark. But I think I had to go through that. They always say it’s the darkest before dawn. Uh, that was the place I was in. Right before dawn. And I had my job. I had everything. I had bills to pay. So I thought like I cannot go crazy now. I just need to survive. During this time it was very popular in Sweden to meditate. To have these new apps and stuff, right? So I was like, okay, maybe meditation, maybe that can calm me down. You know, so I started to meditate. I did this for a while, I remember. And then one time I remember clearly, and it was so weird because I didn’t believe in anything. But I was sitting there and thinking, if there is anything. If there is something out there, if there is a purpose to this life, and you know, we didn’t come out of nothing, then surely I can at least try to contact whatever that is, right? When I always try to recall this, I try to see my thought process, but there was not really a thought process. It was just like, “Okay, let’s try and pray.” Like this. Like something just came up. And I remember sitting there. I lift my hands up. Just like when you do make du’a (supplication), right? Very weird. Lift my hands up and then I said, whoever hears me, whoever sees me, guide me to what is right and true and what is best for me. So at that point I didn’t care anymore, like what I like. Because I’ve tried. You deliberately avoided the word God? No, I could not use it. -Why? -Because it’s such a taboo word. So much emotional baggage with the word God. In my mind I wasn’t talking to a bearded guy in the heaven. In the sky. So I couldn’t use that term. Now, obviously, again, my knowledge of religion was very immature. I didn’t want to use that word because I was very, very firm on the opinion that I did not want to pick a religion. The religion was not the answer. I saw it as a way of controlling people. Like mass control, brainwashing, and you know, going into these fairy tale stories, right? Believing in God. And, and it’s funny, you know, I lifted up my hands, and I said, “Whoever sees me and hears me.” And that’s one of Allah’s name. So I didn’t say God, but I called upon Allah. As-Sami (The All-Hearing), Al-Basir (The All-Seeing), the One who hears everything, who sees everything. And I said whoever hears me and sees me, right? I was alone. So this is an amazing thing, right? After that, nothing happened. Something did happen though, but I thought like something would, you know, pop up, you know? Like, you know, expect something, you know, a sign, but nothing happened. I had at that time two jobs. So I was a music producer. And I was also working as a caretaker. So funny enough, that music job I had, I was working with a Muslim. An Albanian. So we were doing the partying and stuff. Like again, Muslim by name. And then at the other job, at the caretaker job, very rarely enough, the family I worked with were extremely Christian. Deeply Christian, and this is very rare. Now at that time, when I did my job, before this prayer I made, I was like “They do whatever, I don’t care”. But now I was like, let me just be open minded. Like let me not shut the doors right away. Let me just ask questions. If I don’t like it, I ask, right? So I started asking the Christian people a bunch of questions. Like, who is God? Why are we here? Right? And I did the same thing with my Muslim friend. One thing I want to add up, I forgot, this Muslim friend, right after I made this du’a, this prayer, supplication. He started to grow a beard, he started to pray. Like, we were making music, he was like, “Pause the music, I just need to pray.” Like, he was starting to do these things. He became religious, you know? So I started asking him, you know? And it was very funny ‘cause rationally, I was like, okay, if, now I’m open, if I’m gonna pick a religion, I should be Christian. Like you said, Swedish flag is a cross. You know, it’s already in my blood, kind of. And easiest. Like, I don’t have to change my life. I can still go to the party, you know, I can commit sins, no problem. That’s what I thought back then, right? That was like, I wanted to be Christian if I would be anything. But where, every time I asked him about this core belief, “Who is God?” it did not make sense to me. I could not understand it. And the reason was, every person I asked, gave me different answers. And I thought, well, if it is the truth, it should have the same answer. Like one plus one is two, and tomorrow it’s going to be two. No matter who you ask, it’s going to be two. It’s not going to be different answers. But I got different answers. And I felt like I can’t go from one confusion - atheism - to another confusion. And I was very reluctant going into discussion with the Muslim friend. Because I thought, Islam? No way. That’s an Arab religion. That’s something you know, I saw my friends criminals and that was my understanding. But I asked him and one question I asked him changed the whole thing for me. Who is God? So I had like three questions. And this is very interesting, because these are the three questions that will lead you to exploring the truth. Um, where did we come from? Where are we going? What are we doing here? These three questions, right? And I promise you, these three questions is basically, it destroys atheism. ‘Cause atheism has no answers to this. And these are the most important questions in our whole lives. And that’s why when you don’t ask those questions, when you don’t have answers to those questions, no wonder you feel empty. So I ask him, who is God? And he said, there’s one chapter in the Quran that explains this. Very short chapter, 4 verses. And he recited it in Arabic and then he translated it. Allah is One. It’s not two, three, four, five, ten. It’s one. I was like, okay, sounds good, makes sense. He is As-Samad (The Eternal Refuge), and he explained it means that everything is in need of Him, and He is in need of no one. It’s like, that’s true. Yeah. Of course. I know I’m in need of whatever that is. Because I’ve been empty my whole life, you know. I need something, but I cannot have, I cannot fill my cup with something empty. So I need something that will fill the cup forever. And He was not begotten and He did not beget. Like He had no children. He had no parents. Nothing. And nothing is like Him. I don’t know what happened. It was like something clicked. And I was so scared. Because I understood that whatever He’s saying now is true. Wherever it comes from is true. Which means Islam is true. And I was so scared. After that really, like that realization, so scared. So I knew I wanted the truth. I sat there in my living room. I wanted the truth. But now when the truth turned out to be Islam, some– “What is this?” So I started asking more about Islam, and you know, it made sense. From that point, when he told me, it was like a year, just asking and asking. It was one moment of time, you know, we still worked in this, you know, music thing and he wanted to leave, he said that a lot. He was like, “I can’t do this.” The music we did, or we made, was very bad. Like, it’s very bad type of music. Very bad people you meet, and you know a lot of drugs and alcoh– like bad. And he didn’t want to par- be part of that obviously. So he taught me to take over this thing. And we went on like different trips to meet people, key people in music, what not, right? And obviously he had to pray, during these trips. So we went to mosques. So in Sweden, some cities, they have like a, you know, a small room somewhere, right? But there was one trip we made. Along the way he said, “Oh, I need to pray.” And we went to this amazing mosque. And I saw it. I was like, “Man…” And mind you like, during this time, I still meditated, I still did my little routine every morning praying. And I thought like, “Hey, you know this my friend he, he just seems happy. Like every time he comes back from the mosque, he’s like, his face is just light.” I was like, “I wonder how that feels.” So I told him look, his name is Mansoor. “So, Mansoor, is it okay if I just tag along with you into the mosque? Just to see what it is, maybe I can join the prayer, but you know, I’m not gonna be Muslim. Just free trial.” You download a free trial. He was like, “Okay, no problem.” So I went into the mosque. It was beautiful. There was kind of that type of mosque where people… I’m sure they pray prayers, but it wasn’t any prayer done. So there was no peop-there were no people. It was empty basically, but huge. And then we, we went into the ablution area where you wash yourself. And he said, “Okay, now before we pray we need to wash ourselves.” And I was about to turn on the tap. And he’s like, “Hold on, Simon. I need to tell you something.” And this was the first time he was direct. “Like look, this is serious. What you about to do now is the action of a Muslim. You gonna wash yourself, you gonna pray. You’re gonna put your head on the ground to the One who’s above. You need to accept with your heart and tongue that you are Muslim. Because it does not make sense for you to start praying and doing all this stuff and you’re not a Muslim. This is an action of a Muslim. This is why Allah created us.” And I realized, okay, now it’s real. I cannot delay it. And I say this all the time. Every time I tell the story, it’s like there’s a concept, right, in Islam. The whispers of shaytan (Satan), the devil. And the whispers of the devil, they are strongest right before someone about to accept Islam. The strongest. And I, wallahi (I swear by God), I felt that. Like, I cannot describe it. It was like at split of a second I felt like I had fever, 40 degree fever. I was shaking. I was like I’m gonna vomit. I was hearing a buzzing. Like thousands of flies around my- Like it was just, I, I could not focus. It was like “Bzzz”. And I was like “What’s happening?” And I was like in this moment it was like, “What what are your friends gonna say? What you know, what will they say, and those, and those…” You know, I had this conversation a lot with my friend. Like, “If I would become Muslim, what should my friends say, and everything.” And my friend he always said like, “Look, Simon, through this whole like period of time I’ve known you, you didn’t care. Like, you go to a party, you act like a crazy person. You don’t care what people think. But now when it’s about Islam, you… Now you care?” So it’s kind of funny, right? Anyway, so this moment of time, I just felt this. And it was like, “I just wanna run away. I just wanna run out.” But there was something, I cannot describe, some light in this, some like a voice or something, telling me, “If you don’t do this now, you might never do it. And you might end up like your mother. You’re gonna have a miserable life, you’re gonna pass away, and you’re gonna regret it. You know this is true.” And I was like, I gotta do it. So I said it. I said “Ashhadu an la ilaha illa Allah, wa ashhadu anna Muhammadan rasul Allah.” I just did it. Like this. Everything I felt, I wanted to vomit, I want-It’s gone. It was like someone poured water, fresh water on top of my head and I felt new. Everything was gone. And you know this emptiness I over talked about? For the first time in my life, it was not there. It was not there. It was like, how do you describe it? Man, it’s like you’re hiking for hours. You have this big backpack, and you’re just tired, and then you drop it. This weight just fell off. And then we went into the prayer room. And I put my head on the ground, prayed my first prayer, Salat al-Asr (afternoon prayer). And I, you know, I felt like, “I found home. This is where I belong. This is what I’ve been looking for.” So how did the people around you react to your conversion to Islam? The hardest thing was probably with my friends ‘cause those were the people I was hanging out with. And I remember I started to talk to them and tell them like, “Look, I actually became Muslim.” And these were the type of friends, you know, “Best friends, brothers for life.” And when I said that, they did stop calling me. They stopped picking up the phone. Everyone left. They just… delete. And I was like, “What happened? What happened to the ‘brother, this and that’, what happened?” So I… Yeah, I lost all the, all those friends. Even some of them were Muslims. But they realized like, look, if you’re gonna be a real Muslim, we can’t be with you. And it was hard. Like a beautiful verse in Surah Al-Baqarah (The Cow chapter of the Quran), One of the verses I love. “There might be something you like but it’s bad for you. It might be something you dislike but it’s good for you. Allah knows and you do not know.” And this is one of the ways Allah protected me. What if I would still hang out with them, go to these parties as a Muslim? I don’t know, maybe I would fall. I told my family once, there are two funny stories. I sat around with my family, I was so nervous, right? And I told them, “Look guys, I have decided to become a Muslim.” And it was like, “Huh?” They didn’t know what to say. And they’re like, “You’re not going to be a terrorist, right? You know, you’re not going to…” Cause now, like during this time was like the whole thing with the war in Syria. It was like full on. So they were like, “You’re not gonna go down there and shoot people.” They were asking these weird questions. That’s one of the funny things I mentioned. Another thing at my workplace, so remember the music studio. So I was kind of like the boss there now, and you know, when I became Muslim, I was like, “Okay, I understood why my friend wanted to leave. I’m going to leave too.” You know, but I had to kind of have someone to hand it over. And it was one of the, like big meetings we had with the bosses and all. And it was time to pray. I was a little bit weird that time. I was like, I don’t care. I took out my prayer mat in front, like there was a meeting right there, there was like a lunch break. And I started to pray in front of everybody. I was like, I don’t care. And then a few days later, I think, my boss wanted to have a meeting. We didn’t even have the meeting in the office. She didn’t want to be around the colleagues, so we had to go to a cafe where no one, you know, saw us or heard like what, what she wanted to ask me. So she asked me, “Are you okay? Like, are you okay in your head?” I was like, “What? I’m good. I’m feeling fine.” “Are you depressed? Do you need help?” Like, “No!” “No, because we saw you doing these things before and I don’t know, some people there are talking, you know, so we’re, we’re concerned. So this emergency meeting to see if you need something from us, need help. Same thing there, like, very important that you don’t become extreme. You can be a Muslim but don’t be a terrorist, don’t do this and that.” And I was like, man… blown away, you know. This is my own people telling me I’m crazy, you know. How did you cope with that loneliness then? I had a lot of brothers. That’s one of the amazing things when I became a Muslim. I remember one time, I think it was the day after I became Muslim, ‘cause the first day we prayed in the masjid (mosque), we went to this picking up the camera, and then he said, “Look, there’s actually an Islamic lecture. Let’s go there, right.” And I met other Muslims and you know, so I went into the apartment, and I was nervous, you know, I’m new, I don’t want to say anything wrong. You know, I didn’t know Arabic, like, how do you say As-salamu alaykum? I have no idea. So I went in and they were so happy. They were looking at me, “Oh, Simon! Come here!” I’m like, “Who is this guy?” “Come sit here, no, no, sit here. Here’s food, here’s this.” And they gave me gifts, and I was like, “What’s happening?” And I felt, like, imagine this, right? Strangers, they know nothing about me, but they love me. I had family members who never called me. But these people didn’t even know, they know my name, but they love me. You can only find this in Islam. So this really helped me. Like having that support system. And honestly that was the first time I had a support system in my life. ‘Cause before it was like, you’re alone, you just deal with things yourself, right? Stay in your lane, don’t you know, talk to people. That’s it. But with these it’s like, you ask them questions, like, “Oh man, how do I do this? How do I do that?” And they tell you, you know. So I think that brotherhood, that community is so important. Have you ever experienced an extraordinary event where you felt a special connection to Allah? So many, so many. You know, the one, one thing that always blows my mind is the power of du’a (supplication). Like, wallahi (I swear by God), I cannot count how many times I made du’a for something and that exact thing happened. Impossible way. 2019 I came back from Egypt. I had no money. Money ran out, had to start working. I was like, “Man, not Sweden again.” And I still had this in mind, I need to move. But I had another thing in mind. I wanted to get married. I want to share this life with someone else. And then there was, you know, I met my wife through there. 2020 we got married. March 6th. The day after, lockdown, COVID. We were in this lockdown period and we like, “We need to go somewhere. Just boring sitting in the apartment.” And one of her friends or something told us about Dubai. In my mind, Dubai was just this party place. Where, you know… That’s the only thing I heard about. And I was like, “Dubai? That’s, I wanna be a Muslim country, like… can’t go to Dubai.” And then we’re like, “That’s the only place that’s open. So we were like, okay, let’s go. You know. That’s the only place. So we went there, landed, and I was amazed. Like, this is the beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, you know. I saw Muslim people. It was so beautiful, so clean. Like my picture of Dubai just changed right away. And we went there. Everything was so cheap. Lived in a very nice hotel. We went around. And I told my wife, “Look, do you want to move to a Muslim country?” “Yes.” “Me too. We’re traveling now, and the du’a (supplication) of a traveler is accepted. So let’s just make a bunch of du’a that we move here.” How? I don’t know. Somehow. I came home. Basically the first call I got, “You’re fired.” Because of COVID, right? “We’re going to shut down this office. You and the guys out.” I was like “What?” And my wife, she was pregnant with our first child. I was like, “I’m losing my job, what’s happening? I made du’a (supplication)! The opposite is happening.” But remember, before dawn is the darkest. Right? So I was like, “Okay, what should we do?” Like I had no other plan. Because I had no proper education. And finding a job during COVID? Impossible. Everyone was, you know, downsizing, right? We’re expecting a baby, like, “How am I going to take care of them, right?” And then I went to the mosque and there was a guy there, a revert. Swedish. He has a PhD. He studied in Medina, the Islamic University of Medina. He said “Simon, I have something to tell you. How’s your life? How’s this?” I’m like “Bro, I just lost my job. I don’t know what to do.” And he said “Look. I was contacted by some people in Dubai.” I was like, “Okay?” “There’s a huge organization, charity organization, they do a lot of projects. One of the projects they have is helping people to get scholarship to study Islam. So they have like people going to Medina and all of this. But they have a special project. They’ve never done this before. They’ve only been interacting with Arab people. The first time ever, they wanna bring someone from Europe. They spoke to me and I thought about you.” I was like, “What?” “Yeah, they’re gonna… Scholarship, they’re gonna pay for everything. Like, you can go.” I’m like “Really?” He’s like “Yeah! It’s like one month, just pack!” So that was one of the moments like, imagine like, I made du’a– I had no idea how to get there. I had no money. We wasted all that money savings on that trip. I came back, no– like fired. Like what am I gonna do? That’s why I always tell people like do not look down on du’a (supplication). That’s the strongest weapon you have. And even like in Islam, a sincere du’a is always accepted. There are three ways it can get accepted, or fulfilled. Either in this life, you get what you want, or Allah will save it for the hereafter. He will not give it to you in this dunya (world), He will give you something in the hereafter, or He will give you something better. Did anyone accept Islam in your circle or maybe family members, close friends after being inspired by you? Shortly after I became a Muslim I spoke a lot about it with my father. I remember I told him about the six pillars of faith. Believing in Allah, in His messengers, His books, the angels, right, Yaumul Akhir (Day of Judgment), Qadar (Divine Decree). And he was like, “I believe in that.” I was like, “What? “Yeah. Make sense to me.” “Then you’re basically a Muslim. If you believe in that, you’re Muslim.” He was like, “Okay.” I was like, “Do you want to take your shahada (declaration of faith)?” He was like, “Sure!” I was like, “Okay!” I did not expect that. Then he moved to England. He met a girl there, a deaf girl. She was Christian. And then when this thing happened with Palestine and Gaza, obviously all these videos and everything. They called me and she said, “I want to be a Muslim as well.” I saw these videos. And whatever the people, the Palestinians, whatever they have, I want that belief, right. So she became Muslim, Alhamdulillah (Praise be to God). And recently last year I went back to visit my father’s mother. She’s very old, she’s like 95. End of her life, very sick. I told her also about like, what Islam is and everything. And Alhamdulillah (Praise be to God), she accepted as well. And lastly, if there was a chance to speak to all the non-Muslims in the world, what would you like to say to them in a few moments? One verse I think about is “Kullu nafsin dha’iqatul mawt (Every soul will taste death).” “Every single soul tastes death.” And this is what woke me up. And I think people are scared of this question, because they don’t know what comes after it. It’s a reality people are very scared of facing, and that’s what I would tell them. Think about death. Not in a bad way. Think about death being a new beginning. What if death was a new beginning for you, another life? How would you prepare for that life? Do you feel ready or not? Thinking about death is gonna bring these three questions. Why are we here? Where will we go? And who put us here? What would you like to say to Swedish people, as you told that they are more inclined to Islam, but maybe they are hesitant to accept Islam. How would you encourage them?