Mom or Wife? | How Can We Get Married Without Flirting? - Ali Dawah & Marriage Questions
Published on
- Salamu Alaykum brothers and sisters, so basically, there are some questions the brothers have come together to ask me, and we're going to run through them one by one. This one hasn't been folded properly, so I'm going to go for this one first. If a man is stuck between his mother and his wife, who should he side with? Don't ask me these questions. next question? + Oh it's a hard question i guess. - Between his mum and his wife. I think the question is false. Wrong question. I think pick one Or another is not an option. Which one do you pick? Because you can reason with both of them. And in these situations, you know, sometimes it depends what the disagreement is on.
But one thing that I would say is don't go and complain about your spouse, Be it your husband or your wife, to your family. And then what will happen is your family will have that bad perception of them. now you're causing fitnah between them. Whatever happens, as long as it's not major don't share it with your mum and dad. But if an issue arises in the household, Whetever it may be something small, etc I would personally tell my wife, look, sometimes my mum mistakes, whatever it may be, but you look, their older than us, so we should always have utmost respect.
As long as it's not violating your rights, as long as my mum is not beating you up and saying oh you have to do this, the situation is not that and be just, like Allah says be just even if it's against yourself. If you know your mum's oppressing your wife, you have to gently and kindly tell your mum, this is wrong. It's not fair. If it's vice versa, you have to tell your wife because whatever the thing is, for the wife to be disrespectful towards the mum actually shows the lack of Adab. It's very important. You might not disagree. The mother might be bad, but consuld with your husband. And if things don't get resolved. You can get your family involved.
But I would say there's not a thing of who do you take. Theres no who you taking They're both in your life. It's about how to co-exist with both of them. So I think we shouldn't pick one another. Ok. What would you like to say to someone who says, "I want to get married? I don't have any money." Well, forget what I have to say. What Allah says in the Quran is that if you fear poverty. that Allah is the one that will enrich. You know Allah is the one that provides So what you need to understand is if every living creature on this earth are being sustained and looked after you.
Why would Allah not look after you so the thing is Allah would provide, but you have to go out there You can't stay at home and wait for money to come to you. Allah would provide for you and give you a way out. There's all options there you have to do your bit. So don't think... If I don't have money, Allah says If you fear me, I will give you away Allah is the one that provides. So you do your bit and Allah will enrich you InshaAllah slowly and we need the basics. We need somewhere to stay. We need food to eat. But what we do is we take it to the next level, which causes us problems. I have to have it £60,000 wedding. I have to have this car.
I have to go here You're making problems for yourself. What Allah can provide is the basics, and that's what you need. So I would say as long as you have that, you are not to be poor brother trust me, and especially if you are living in the West, I don't think how you can be poor. Next question. When was the last time you bought your wife a present? Why are you asking me this question? Present.. When it comes to presents, I advise brothers, have a balance because what you need to understand we are human beings. We're bound to get bored easily. Yeah. If you buy presents every week or if you before you get married and say, Oh, I'm a very romantic man, you know, I'm Romeo.
You know, I buy flowers every week. What you're doing now is you're given expectations to your wife, and she's going to expect that now when you don't do it is problematic. So.. + Ali brother, we are not satisfied with your answer. - I mean, what do you want me to say? + Please come to the point the point. - The point is very simple. Now let's talk about the necessary existence, independence.. If you are stucked, you should change the topic. Independent, self-sufficient. You, my friend, asking a question which is wrong here. The Big bang was the beginning of the universe, you say, and it came from nothing. Let's go next question. + Stop making philosophy and give a clear answer.
- So in a nutshell. If you watch the marriage documentary actually towards the end i think part eight, you realize that i actually buy a gift but you're gonna find that how you need to watch the marriage documentary for that If you wanna know the answer. + It's been a long time since you last bought a present for her. - No, I'm the biggest person in her life, so she sees me every day. Who has the most say at home? To be honest it depends if i come from speaker's corner then it's me. Then she tells me to relax and then she has the last day. Yeah it depends. Sometimes me, sometimes her. We have to be fair you know. + It's a political answer. - It has to be.
Sometimes you have to be political to make everybody happy. How do you solve your problems between each marriage? "...between each other?" sorry, each marriage sorry my polygamy side came in Yeah "How do you start your problems between each other?" and not each marriage Most of the time it's miscommunication what's really important is that assume the best in each other Most of the times I realise when I have like an argument with my wife, me or her, we have an assumption. So something would happen and I would assume the worst when that's not the case. So the best thing is to assume the best in your partner.
Then you won't think, Oh, they did that because of that, and then you would assume the best. And maybe they did it because of a good reason. Then you won't go into it because then when things are explained and they're like "Oh, but i didn't know." You know it's better. So with me as well. It's important to assume the best rather than thinking the worst and then getting to argument And then you find out actually, it was the other which was not in a bad way. So I think even if you assume the best argument would have not happened and then you would have find out, ask gently. Like, you know, this happened to upset me a bit. Why did you do it? Andway.. Okay, this and this Oh Okay.
So i think miscommunication. assuming the worst is a big problem within marriages How did you meet your wife?
i met her and then within i would say within about anywhere between five hours to twelwe hours i think it was like half a day i spoke to a dad so it was very short time and this is very interesting because this was very hard when i was getting to know for marriage like speaking to the dad was difficulty like yes there were some sisters that would i would speak to the dad But some of them were like very longing in out so to me that was a big shock I'll explained i explained why i got that shock and i actually didn't believe it first when she told me you can speak to my dad and i thought, this is this is a scam you know i said dad is probably someone her friend pretending and it was actually her dad and there is something, very interesting.
But you have to watch the documentary. I'm sorry, I can't go in and i can't do this I'm so sorry Unless after copyright, you know? Did you ever regret getting married? I'm sorry. This this this is a very documentary question This question... It's it's a very complex one and + It's a yes no question. - It's not, it's not because the thing is there's a whole story behind it. The matter is a bit complex. Like i don't regret getting married let me put it like this at one point i did and then after i didn't at all. And you're going to find out why in the documentary you have to watch it of course. What should we watch out for when choosing a spouse? This is very good. Very documentary questions.
What should you watch out for? i would say be very careful to assuming the best too much in the context where there are people that you will meet they might, their outer parents might look like you know religious but don't ever make a judgment based on how one looks or what they say you might be a sister and she's every second word is Alhamdulillah SubhânAllah, Allah-u Ekber etc. To me that doesn't mean anything or if it's a brother dressed in a phobe or you know look in a certain islamic way be it long don't make decisions based on how person looks ever. Marriage decision based on how a person looks or what he says or how he sounds like? Don't ever make that decision.
I will explain in my documentary if your daughter were to be 28 years old? What would you say to her? Interesting question actually. + You have a daughter right? - Yeah i have two daughters I think main thing i would tell them is to make sure that you live by Islam. You give Allah's rights To fix your affairs with Allah and Allah will fix your affairs in life because i think this is very important for youngsters as well for them to understand that they are 20 they're young and they're planning their life. And the best of planets is Allah. So don't think that i can do it myself Yes that's important.
taht we know from the hadith of the Prophet (saw) that’s you should tie your camel and put your trust in Allah But I would say: Yes, you do your bit but the ultimate plan is from Allah so make sure you give him his rights. And there's a hadith of the Prophet (SAW) when he was with Muadh İbn Jabal and he was travelling. The prophet peace be upon him said to him "Oh Muadh, do you know what or what's Allah's rights upon the servants?" He said: "Allah's and Messenger knows best." He said: "It's that you worship Him and Him alone." and he said, OK. And he said: Oh Muadh do you know what is the rights of the servants upon Allah? And he said, Allah and His Messenger knows best.
He said as long as you worship Him alone He will never punish you. So my young daughter, that's what I would tell her to rely on Allah and do your bit but the main thing is that let allah plan your life and to live and die on Tawheed. Do you help your wife out with housework? Yes if I need to. Let's make it very clear, I'm not one of these like: eah i clean no i'm so sorry if i have to if i'm working if i'm going to work and i'm working eight-nine hours standing i'm not gonna come home wash or do i'm not going to do that i'm tired, i'm home and i would appreciate obviously Alhamdulillah my wife like makes i think she makes the most amazing food. Best food ever yeah.
So the thing is I'm not going to come home and unless she's struggling if i see her like for example be attending the baby. The baby's not settled, etc. Of course i'm going to come and help but in a nutshell this whole thing of i go out, work, provide and i come home and cook and clean please i'm not saying it's not manly what i'm saying is there's a fine balance, okay. I'm doing my duty of providing and out there etc what I'm trying to say is i'm not going to come home and then start cleaning and hoovering i'm not going to do that if i've got a day off. She needs help %100 you know if i see you %100 you know but i'm not going to come. Out my way after i've worked and then start cleaning.
+ Have you ever washed dishes? - Yeah, yeah.I do... Actually i if my wife was to tell me to do anything i'd say let me wash the dishes i like it hoover wash up or whatever i'll say i'll wash up. No problem. i like washing up, it's easy. I used to wash up in a restaurant i used to work in a restaurant so i don't have problem with that at all. What is the secret to happy marriage? This is, this is, this is a long answer man.
I think personally there was a i think i saw a picture like this yeh i'm not doing ılluminati by the way it's not just not thing, please or a triangle like this, and there was a wife and a husband The further the closer they got to Allah, the top is Allah is better their relationship the further they're away from Allah the more the gap between them and i found that interesting because true happiness and Barakah come to Allah. Allah is the one that's ultimately going to give you the person that's going to be good for you inshaAllah yeh, Allah might test you with bad partner you know and that might be good inside that Do you get what I'm trying to say?
so the thing is here i believe that Allah Subhanahu We Ta'ala is the one who's going to ultimately put barak in your life and give you the best partner which is good for you in this life in the hereafter that's why we do istikhara so when you're doing that the main thing that you need to focus on is your relationship with Allah. Fix your affairs with allah do what's right. Stay away from major sins etc. Then Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala will give you someone. So think of it like that most of us we think logically oh if i show a bit of my hair you know i might get someone or if i do drugs and sell get a nice car i might get the girl these are all exactly using the akil over the nakil.
and that's what iblis fell into a mistake because allah told him to bow down to adam. That's the nakil. That's the that's Allah ordering you something, he uses akil which Allah gave him and he said: "No i'm better than him." so when we think about logical things what i can do forget what you can do ask Allah and see what he can do and we have is this the last one: Do you think we can get married in this day and age without flirting? How can we get to know your potential spouse without flirting? This my whole marriage documentary is about this?
How as a muslim man who follows Orthodox Islam how i get to know sisters for marriage without flirting When you're flirting you're doing something which is crossing boundaries and this is going to end up going somewhere else that's why Allah says in the Qur'an "Don't even go close to zina." so flirting is that step towards shaytan's not gonna come and say go come and zinaa. go make a little joke She found a very funny, very handsome man oh you make these girls laugh wow and then you carry on carry on carrying next thing you know you go somewhere else.
So the thing is here you don't need to flirt to get married who said you need to flirt to get married and dating getting to know someone in a halal way is permissible i was getting to know sisters for marriage and i had three four interviews with them but in a public place with some family member there etc even if it means we're walking they're walking behind us it's done in according to Islam and i go into details of how you can do this speaking on the phone, texting, how it's done etc and getting to know them because you do need to get to know them how that can be done in the right way so it's about doing things the right way no more questions finished as you can see it's empty so i would personally give it advice to people who are looking to get married what you need to understand is that this whole romeo juliet concept of hollywood and bollywood and especially with our turkish movies and seriousness because what you're watching is fake they're giving you a fake perception of marriage and getting to know and love and all this kind of Romeo Juliet thing this is fake it's good as watching superman and superman taking off his things and he goes to the building and he jumps and you're like oh let me try that you're going to die brother if you go and say i'm superman oh why?
because i saw superman doing it do the same thing with hollywood and turkish movies don't look at that and expect in reality because in reality it doesn't work like that so i would say bear in mind that marrying the wrong person can kill you and it literally it can kill you it can be spiritually mentally or even physically it can kill you so the thing is here to find the right person is fundamental so i would personally say be very careful and watch the marriage documentary of course when you watch the marriage documentary inshaAllah you know you're going to find a good wife and if you're married you're going to find the second wife the second we're going to find the third one we're gonna throw you're gonna find the four wire and you've got four wives you're gonna have concubines i'm joking is it on camera okay
But one thing that I would say is don't go and complain about your spouse, Be it your husband or your wife, to your family. And then what will happen is your family will have that bad perception of them. now you're causing fitnah between them. Whatever happens, as long as it's not major don't share it with your mum and dad. But if an issue arises in the household, Whetever it may be something small, etc I would personally tell my wife, look, sometimes my mum mistakes, whatever it may be, but you look, their older than us, so we should always have utmost respect.
As long as it's not violating your rights, as long as my mum is not beating you up and saying oh you have to do this, the situation is not that and be just, like Allah says be just even if it's against yourself. If you know your mum's oppressing your wife, you have to gently and kindly tell your mum, this is wrong. It's not fair. If it's vice versa, you have to tell your wife because whatever the thing is, for the wife to be disrespectful towards the mum actually shows the lack of Adab. It's very important. You might not disagree. The mother might be bad, but consuld with your husband. And if things don't get resolved. You can get your family involved.
But I would say there's not a thing of who do you take. Theres no who you taking They're both in your life. It's about how to co-exist with both of them. So I think we shouldn't pick one another. Ok. What would you like to say to someone who says, "I want to get married? I don't have any money." Well, forget what I have to say. What Allah says in the Quran is that if you fear poverty. that Allah is the one that will enrich. You know Allah is the one that provides So what you need to understand is if every living creature on this earth are being sustained and looked after you.
Why would Allah not look after you so the thing is Allah would provide, but you have to go out there You can't stay at home and wait for money to come to you. Allah would provide for you and give you a way out. There's all options there you have to do your bit. So don't think... If I don't have money, Allah says If you fear me, I will give you away Allah is the one that provides. So you do your bit and Allah will enrich you InshaAllah slowly and we need the basics. We need somewhere to stay. We need food to eat. But what we do is we take it to the next level, which causes us problems. I have to have it £60,000 wedding. I have to have this car.
I have to go here You're making problems for yourself. What Allah can provide is the basics, and that's what you need. So I would say as long as you have that, you are not to be poor brother trust me, and especially if you are living in the West, I don't think how you can be poor. Next question. When was the last time you bought your wife a present? Why are you asking me this question? Present.. When it comes to presents, I advise brothers, have a balance because what you need to understand we are human beings. We're bound to get bored easily. Yeah. If you buy presents every week or if you before you get married and say, Oh, I'm a very romantic man, you know, I'm Romeo.
You know, I buy flowers every week. What you're doing now is you're given expectations to your wife, and she's going to expect that now when you don't do it is problematic. So.. + Ali brother, we are not satisfied with your answer. - I mean, what do you want me to say? + Please come to the point the point. - The point is very simple. Now let's talk about the necessary existence, independence.. If you are stucked, you should change the topic. Independent, self-sufficient. You, my friend, asking a question which is wrong here. The Big bang was the beginning of the universe, you say, and it came from nothing. Let's go next question. + Stop making philosophy and give a clear answer.
- So in a nutshell. If you watch the marriage documentary actually towards the end i think part eight, you realize that i actually buy a gift but you're gonna find that how you need to watch the marriage documentary for that If you wanna know the answer. + It's been a long time since you last bought a present for her. - No, I'm the biggest person in her life, so she sees me every day. Who has the most say at home? To be honest it depends if i come from speaker's corner then it's me. Then she tells me to relax and then she has the last day. Yeah it depends. Sometimes me, sometimes her. We have to be fair you know. + It's a political answer. - It has to be.
Sometimes you have to be political to make everybody happy. How do you solve your problems between each marriage? "...between each other?" sorry, each marriage sorry my polygamy side came in Yeah "How do you start your problems between each other?" and not each marriage Most of the time it's miscommunication what's really important is that assume the best in each other Most of the times I realise when I have like an argument with my wife, me or her, we have an assumption. So something would happen and I would assume the worst when that's not the case. So the best thing is to assume the best in your partner.
Then you won't think, Oh, they did that because of that, and then you would assume the best. And maybe they did it because of a good reason. Then you won't go into it because then when things are explained and they're like "Oh, but i didn't know." You know it's better. So with me as well. It's important to assume the best rather than thinking the worst and then getting to argument And then you find out actually, it was the other which was not in a bad way. So I think even if you assume the best argument would have not happened and then you would have find out, ask gently. Like, you know, this happened to upset me a bit. Why did you do it? Andway.. Okay, this and this Oh Okay.
So i think miscommunication. assuming the worst is a big problem within marriages How did you meet your wife?
i met her and then within i would say within about anywhere between five hours to twelwe hours i think it was like half a day i spoke to a dad so it was very short time and this is very interesting because this was very hard when i was getting to know for marriage like speaking to the dad was difficulty like yes there were some sisters that would i would speak to the dad But some of them were like very longing in out so to me that was a big shock I'll explained i explained why i got that shock and i actually didn't believe it first when she told me you can speak to my dad and i thought, this is this is a scam you know i said dad is probably someone her friend pretending and it was actually her dad and there is something, very interesting.
But you have to watch the documentary. I'm sorry, I can't go in and i can't do this I'm so sorry Unless after copyright, you know? Did you ever regret getting married? I'm sorry. This this this is a very documentary question This question... It's it's a very complex one and + It's a yes no question. - It's not, it's not because the thing is there's a whole story behind it. The matter is a bit complex. Like i don't regret getting married let me put it like this at one point i did and then after i didn't at all. And you're going to find out why in the documentary you have to watch it of course. What should we watch out for when choosing a spouse? This is very good. Very documentary questions.
What should you watch out for? i would say be very careful to assuming the best too much in the context where there are people that you will meet they might, their outer parents might look like you know religious but don't ever make a judgment based on how one looks or what they say you might be a sister and she's every second word is Alhamdulillah SubhânAllah, Allah-u Ekber etc. To me that doesn't mean anything or if it's a brother dressed in a phobe or you know look in a certain islamic way be it long don't make decisions based on how person looks ever. Marriage decision based on how a person looks or what he says or how he sounds like? Don't ever make that decision.
I will explain in my documentary if your daughter were to be 28 years old? What would you say to her? Interesting question actually. + You have a daughter right? - Yeah i have two daughters I think main thing i would tell them is to make sure that you live by Islam. You give Allah's rights To fix your affairs with Allah and Allah will fix your affairs in life because i think this is very important for youngsters as well for them to understand that they are 20 they're young and they're planning their life. And the best of planets is Allah. So don't think that i can do it myself Yes that's important.
taht we know from the hadith of the Prophet (saw) that’s you should tie your camel and put your trust in Allah But I would say: Yes, you do your bit but the ultimate plan is from Allah so make sure you give him his rights. And there's a hadith of the Prophet (SAW) when he was with Muadh İbn Jabal and he was travelling. The prophet peace be upon him said to him "Oh Muadh, do you know what or what's Allah's rights upon the servants?" He said: "Allah's and Messenger knows best." He said: "It's that you worship Him and Him alone." and he said, OK. And he said: Oh Muadh do you know what is the rights of the servants upon Allah? And he said, Allah and His Messenger knows best.
He said as long as you worship Him alone He will never punish you. So my young daughter, that's what I would tell her to rely on Allah and do your bit but the main thing is that let allah plan your life and to live and die on Tawheed. Do you help your wife out with housework? Yes if I need to. Let's make it very clear, I'm not one of these like: eah i clean no i'm so sorry if i have to if i'm working if i'm going to work and i'm working eight-nine hours standing i'm not gonna come home wash or do i'm not going to do that i'm tired, i'm home and i would appreciate obviously Alhamdulillah my wife like makes i think she makes the most amazing food. Best food ever yeah.
So the thing is I'm not going to come home and unless she's struggling if i see her like for example be attending the baby. The baby's not settled, etc. Of course i'm going to come and help but in a nutshell this whole thing of i go out, work, provide and i come home and cook and clean please i'm not saying it's not manly what i'm saying is there's a fine balance, okay. I'm doing my duty of providing and out there etc what I'm trying to say is i'm not going to come home and then start cleaning and hoovering i'm not going to do that if i've got a day off. She needs help %100 you know if i see you %100 you know but i'm not going to come. Out my way after i've worked and then start cleaning.
+ Have you ever washed dishes? - Yeah, yeah.I do... Actually i if my wife was to tell me to do anything i'd say let me wash the dishes i like it hoover wash up or whatever i'll say i'll wash up. No problem. i like washing up, it's easy. I used to wash up in a restaurant i used to work in a restaurant so i don't have problem with that at all. What is the secret to happy marriage? This is, this is, this is a long answer man.
I think personally there was a i think i saw a picture like this yeh i'm not doing ılluminati by the way it's not just not thing, please or a triangle like this, and there was a wife and a husband The further the closer they got to Allah, the top is Allah is better their relationship the further they're away from Allah the more the gap between them and i found that interesting because true happiness and Barakah come to Allah. Allah is the one that's ultimately going to give you the person that's going to be good for you inshaAllah yeh, Allah might test you with bad partner you know and that might be good inside that Do you get what I'm trying to say?
so the thing is here i believe that Allah Subhanahu We Ta'ala is the one who's going to ultimately put barak in your life and give you the best partner which is good for you in this life in the hereafter that's why we do istikhara so when you're doing that the main thing that you need to focus on is your relationship with Allah. Fix your affairs with allah do what's right. Stay away from major sins etc. Then Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala will give you someone. So think of it like that most of us we think logically oh if i show a bit of my hair you know i might get someone or if i do drugs and sell get a nice car i might get the girl these are all exactly using the akil over the nakil.
and that's what iblis fell into a mistake because allah told him to bow down to adam. That's the nakil. That's the that's Allah ordering you something, he uses akil which Allah gave him and he said: "No i'm better than him." so when we think about logical things what i can do forget what you can do ask Allah and see what he can do and we have is this the last one: Do you think we can get married in this day and age without flirting? How can we get to know your potential spouse without flirting? This my whole marriage documentary is about this?
How as a muslim man who follows Orthodox Islam how i get to know sisters for marriage without flirting When you're flirting you're doing something which is crossing boundaries and this is going to end up going somewhere else that's why Allah says in the Qur'an "Don't even go close to zina." so flirting is that step towards shaytan's not gonna come and say go come and zinaa. go make a little joke She found a very funny, very handsome man oh you make these girls laugh wow and then you carry on carry on carrying next thing you know you go somewhere else.
So the thing is here you don't need to flirt to get married who said you need to flirt to get married and dating getting to know someone in a halal way is permissible i was getting to know sisters for marriage and i had three four interviews with them but in a public place with some family member there etc even if it means we're walking they're walking behind us it's done in according to Islam and i go into details of how you can do this speaking on the phone, texting, how it's done etc and getting to know them because you do need to get to know them how that can be done in the right way so it's about doing things the right way no more questions finished as you can see it's empty so i would personally give it advice to people who are looking to get married what you need to understand is that this whole romeo juliet concept of hollywood and bollywood and especially with our turkish movies and seriousness because what you're watching is fake they're giving you a fake perception of marriage and getting to know and love and all this kind of Romeo Juliet thing this is fake it's good as watching superman and superman taking off his things and he goes to the building and he jumps and you're like oh let me try that you're going to die brother if you go and say i'm superman oh why?
because i saw superman doing it do the same thing with hollywood and turkish movies don't look at that and expect in reality because in reality it doesn't work like that so i would say bear in mind that marrying the wrong person can kill you and it literally it can kill you it can be spiritually mentally or even physically it can kill you so the thing is here to find the right person is fundamental so i would personally say be very careful and watch the marriage documentary of course when you watch the marriage documentary inshaAllah you know you're going to find a good wife and if you're married you're going to find the second wife the second we're going to find the third one we're gonna throw you're gonna find the four wire and you've got four wives you're gonna have concubines i'm joking is it on camera okay