Expert Marriage Tips You Need to Hear! - Find Your Perfect Spouse
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Is it necessary to fall in love to get married? How are you going to understand who is the right person for us? First of all, you have to understand yourself. Like we usually tell people, "Would you marry you?" That's the question. I love someone and we intend to get married. But he has some bad habits. Will he or she get better after marriage? If a person has a bad history of bad habits, marriage doesn't fix a person like that. It's not like a switch where you just, you get married, Mashallah, you become righteous. What was the most interesting and strange question you have ever received about dating or marriage? I mean, wow! Assalamualaikum, Sheikh Yasir Birjah.
Thank you so much for accepting our invitation. We are very happy to have you with us. We want to ask some questions about marriage today. -Absolutely. -We hope to sweat you with our questions. Bismillah, looking forward. Go for it. Okay, so dating is forbidden in Islam. We know it, okay, but generally people ask I don't think I can find a suitable person in any other way. Besides, who can guarantee that someone who was offered to me by someone else will really be the most suitable person I can find? Well, I think there's actually one of the biggest misconceptions about dating that dating will result in successful choice and successful marriage.
Here in America, at least in America, people now, they define dating as exercise for divorce. Because they realize that dating does not necessarily guarantee you're going to choose somebody that will last for you and with you in the relationship. And it's become an industry, really. It's more about making money than anything else. So there is a lot of sites about dating and the culture of dating and all that kind of stuff. There are a lot of promotion to that, but it does not necessarily guarantee that you will find someone who will be suitable for you for marriage.
Otherwise, if dating was successful here in America, why we still have a problem with getting people married and keeping them married? Because we have a very slow rate of marriage and a very high rate of divorce. So dating in itself is not necessarily the guarantee that you will find the right person for it. So what is the right way then to find someone? Frankly, no matter how much we tried, the best thing is really the word of mouth. People knowing somebody who knows somebody that they can get you together and connected together as well.
And then after they get to know about someone, then they start, of course, having the official interviews and talking to each other and having the conversations and so on. And eventually, hopefully by doing that, we will be able to find that person who is suitable for marriage for you. What was the most interesting and strange question you have ever received about dating or marriage? I mean, wow. There are a lot of things people look for. One of the most iconic things people ask about is they look for a perfect person.
So when when they come to me, they say, "Can you help me find somebody for me?" I said, "Sure." So one of the jokes I usually make with people is, when they come to me and ask "Can you help me find a wife or a girl?" I say, "Okay, what are you looking for?" So this person gives me a long list of criteria. They say, like, "The most beautiful, religious, she is this, she is that." They give like perfect list of demands. And then he asked me, "What do you think of this?" This is amazing. If you find someone like this, please let me know. I want to marry her, because I don't think they exist in reality. You see, there is no one really perfect.
You might find someone whose family is amazing, but unfortunately they as individuals might not be the right match for you. You might find someone who is Mashallah in terms of their akhlaq and their manners are amazing. But in terms of education, their socioeconomic status, may not be the best for you. So there is nothing perfect. So people, unfortunately they are pursuing illusion. Their perception of that, if I find that the perfect person, the soulmate, my life will be perfect, will be amazing. But that's not true. Allah (swt) in the Quran said, "We have created man into kabd," which means you're going to always have to be tested and tried and struggle.
And marriage by design is supposed to be also part of the test. Now how to make it beautiful or otherwise, that's your business. So yeah, when they ask, they ask unrealistic questions, and they ask unrealistic demands about the person they would like to marry to. Look, people, they ask. Usually they're looking for what I like to call... The perfect example, or you could say that the most suitable example. I said, "Don't look for the perfect one, look for the right one." And the difference is that when it comes to perfection, it's abstract, it's theoretical. You find it on paper in terms of their level of education, their age, their vision, their personality.
All of this is beautiful on paper. But when it comes to really living together and being together, it's a different story. So therefore don't look for the perfect person, look for the right person. Because the right person will be the perfect person for you. So then how are you going to understand the right person? Who is the right person for us? First of all, you have to understand yourself. Like, we usually tell people, would you marry you? That's the question. Which means if you can imagine the opposite gender of yourself, would you marry that person or not? And if you say no, then you have a problem with your self-confidence now. You're not sure about yourself.
So what does that even mean? You see, when I ask people, "What do you look for?" They say, "I want someone religious." I say, "How religious are you looking for?" Would you marry someone less religious than you are, or someone more religious than you are? They always say, "I want someone who is more religious." I say, "Why?" Well, I want them to help me out, become a better Muslim, a better person, right? I said, okay, if you're at this level, and you're looking for somebody who is above you, this person who is above you, where would they be looking for? They must be looking also for above themselves.
And as a result, you would never marry somebody because you're going to always wait for someone who's above you to accept you. So what do we say then? The best is to look for someone who's around the same level. Someone around your same level, so that you can grow together. And if you would like to marry somebody who is at this level, then work on yourself first until you become here, so you can attract somebody at the same level. That also works for, when it comes to, let's say, education, when it comes to socioeconomic status of the family and yourself and so on. Like, look for somebody who you can have around the same level. That person will be the right person for you.
Because the more you might match in these areas, the better it is for you. So that you have less and less issues of expectation because you'll be different. Is it necessary to fall in love to get married? It depends on how you define love. If you define love like it's on TV, I can tell you, even those so-called actors and actresses, they wish their loving life in real life as perfect as it is on TV. But many of these celebrities we have in America here, for example, unfortunately, they marry and divorce, they marry and divorce. Sometimes they don't even actually marry at all, and it's just like...
So even though they might give you the most perfect love story on TV, but their real life is unfortunately not matching what they're saying. So therefore, what does it mean to say love? I do believe that love definitely is one important element of success in relationships. But it's not the only thing. Also love... Allah (swt) says in Surah Ar-Rum, And one of His signs is that He had created for you from amongst yourselves your spouses. Why? So that you might find peace and tranquility with them. And He placed between your heart love and mercy, passion and compassion. Indeed, there are signs therein for those who reflect.
Now Allah (swt) is telling us, "I guarantee you peace and tranquility, which is the thing that everybody looks for in a relationship. If you bring me love and mercy, if you live together in love and mercy." So love, it is an ingredient of a successful relationship. But what does it really mean? That's the whole question. If you ask people, there is no one definition for love. Love is a spectrum and love transforms itself in the relationship. You sometimes love a person for a specific reason, and then that thing fades away and new things emerge in the relationship. Now you have kids, so you love them for being the parents of your children, for example, and so on.
So many people, unfortunately, they think of love as sentimental value, which means something I have in my heart. And if I have it, we can live together. If I don't have it, it's gone. So the relationship should go away. That's not true Because a lot of relationships, they don't run on love. They run on on mercy. One time a man came to Omar (ra) and asked him. He goes, "I don't think I love my wife anymore." "Do you think all homes are surviving on love?" Do you think they are all built on love? Sometimes we don't necessarily have that much passion for each other, but we are together because we still have respect for each other. We still have compassion for each other.
There are other values. and that's why people get married for different reasons, obviously. And sometimes you marry somebody without even noticing or knowing that you will love this individual. But Subhanallah, because of their akhlaq and their manners, you just fall in love with them. Someone says, there's a candidate I want to marry. This person meets some of my criteria but doesn't meet others. One part of me says, if you give up, you may regret in the future. And other part of me says, if you go on and marry that person, you may regret it in the future. I'm in between To decide to get married with that person, what percentage of the criteria should be fulfilled?
Oh man, that's a tough one. Because really, there's no percentage. But like I said, it really depends on the circumstances. What are you looking for in a spouse? You see, this... We learned that from hadith of Nabi (saw), when one time the Prophet (saw) was coming back from a journey, and then he saw that Jabir ibn Abd Allah (ra), he was rushing to go back to Medina. And the Prophet (saw) kind of joked with him. "What's the rush for? Why are you so in a hurry?" He said, "Ya Rasulullah, before I left out with you, I got married. So I just want to go back again to my wife." "I didn't have enough time to be with her.
So I want to rush to go to be my wife." So the Prophet (saw) told him, "Did you marry someone who was young, like yourself or someone who's been married before?" He goes, "No, I had to marry someone who was married before." And the Prophet (saw) said, "Why not someone young like yourself?" He goes, "Ya Rasulullah, when my father passed, he left me seven sisters, and I'm the only boy. So I needed somebody to help me out with my sisters. I didn't want to bring another one that I have to care for as well." So the Prophet (saw), he approved his choice and he made dua for him. What does that mean?
In terms of the best option for Jabir, is someone his age, his experience in life to life to grow together. But his circumstance required from him to marry somebody who is experienced, who can help with the sisters as well to. That's the right choice for him, right? Now, to say 50%, 30%, 20%, I can't tell that. Because each have their own unique circumstances. For some it's financial, for others, it's maybe the family, the culture, right? Everything is perfect except that she is not from my culture. She's from a different culture. That might be a big deal for them, right? Even though it's just 10% out of the whole criteria.
But it's that 10% weighs more for them than the entire 90% altogether. So the first meeting is over, but I'm not sure how I feel about him or her. Shouldn't I have fallen in love at first sight? I don't feel negative, but I can't say it was definitely positive. What should I do? This is one of the biggest problems we have in our time and our generation, among the younger people. And frankly, the main reason for that, because our generation today, they're dealing with something that was not available for the generations before. That's called the culture of abundance.
Meaning the variety is all out there, and the more options you have, the less likely you will be satisfied with making that choice. So therefore, they get confused. They see too much, they talk too much to people. And again, that whole gambling mindset starts kicking in. Maybe I should wait a little bit more. Maybe the next one will be perfect. Maybe this, maybe that. So the more you see, the less likely you'll be satisfied. And the less likely you will make a decision. So I keep asking the younger ones and say, look, it's not about falling in love with them. It's about reaching a, I would say, comfort zone with them. What does that mean?
Like, I talk to him, I talk to her, and I feel comfortable with them. Do you love him? I don't know if I love him, really, but... I mean, it's work in progress. I don't know much yet, but maybe within the relationship, things get better, right? So, yeah, it's not really about falling in love with her. Crazy, being in love with her. It's about thinking, about feeling comfortable with her. And also feeling comfortable one day that she will be the mother of my kids, for example. Or he's the husband, the father of my kids, for instance. If you reach that comfort zone, I suggest you move on. What principles should be followed in a premarital meeting interview with the spouse candidate?
So when a young man, young woman, they want to meet, they would like to to explore the relationship for marriage. What should they be looking for? Obviously there are two circles. The core qualities and the periphery or the side qualities. So the core qualities were mentioned. You look for deen and akhlaq. Someone comes to you, you're pleased with their deen, their relationship with Allah the Creator, and akhlaq, their relationship with the Creation, which means their manners and their etiquettes. So these are the two important ones. Obviously it's the core qualities. And sometimes it's a spectrum these days, really. Even when it comes to religiosity.
Like we said, you don't look for someone way above you. Look at someone around your level and grow together. In terms of the other qualities, you're going to look, of course, the age factor, the beauty factor, the race factor, the job factor, education factor. All these things are preferences. People, they put them in specific priority. For some it's very important. For others, they're not that big a deal. But the most two important things you need to work for and explore are the deen and akhlaq. That's the first thing. The second thing, what people need to look for in order to have compatibility, you need to find compatibility in terms of personalities. So are you an introvert or extrovert?
Do you like to be around people or not? Are you active? Do you have an active lifestyle, or you just like to stay at home and just read books, for example? Explore the personality aspect of it. Also start exploring the vision. Meaning, how do you see marriage look like to you? How do you see your role as a husband, as a wife? What do you see your role in the future? You have kids, for example. You need to know what's the plan. Are we on the same page or are we taking different routes in the future? Ask them about, maybe in terms of their money management, what's their financial goals, for example, in the relationship?
Do they believe in budgeting, or do they want to spend as much as they want, and so on. Basically try to get to know whatever you can about their vision, their personality, their manners, their akhlaq, how they deal with difficulties and hardships and anger issues and so and so. Hopefully you'll find the answer that would be pleasing to you. And what about the rules that should be followed in an interview? Like, you know, don't be alone together. Other things like conduct. Obviously, Islamically speaking, you need to keep the Barakah in your relationship from the very beginning. Some young people, they unfortunately violate some of these rules between the opposite genders.
So they go out alone. They even date each other and they spend the night, you know, together. All these things are not supposed to happen between the suitors, who are looking to get married until their nikah is done. Actually, the contract is done. So what do you do in this case? The best way to do that is really to engage the family from the very beginning. Like once a person is interested, say okay, talk to my family so they can have them basically come over and speak with them and so on. Once, Alhamdulillah, they have a mutual understanding. then, in this case they start talking over the phone or maybe, you know, texting at least to get to know more about each other.
If they want to meet outside, they have to have a third party to be with them from the family, if possible, obviously, of course. As much as possible to avoid being alone until their nikah is done. Now, you might say, how long does it take for a person to make a decision, right, before they start saying, okay, she's the one or he's the one? It's very interesting because people think it takes you too long to decide. but statistically speaking, it takes a split second to decide. What does that mean? The moment you see the person, in your heart, you feel that, you know what, he's the one or she's the one. Or you might say from the inside you're not pleased with it.
And then so what do you do next? You spend hours and hours in what we call mental justification. You're only right now asking the question, and your heart and your mind is trying to focus on why your heart is telling you it's not a good idea or it's a good idea. I joke with people. I say, when you go and you buy something from the store, do you buy it based on an emotional drive or rational drive? Everybody says, well, rational, because I need this. I say, no, no, no, no. Why did you pick this, not this? Even tomatoes. Why did you pick this one, not that one? Because you liked it first. So we always make decision based on an emotional drive.
I like and then I spend the rest of the time justifying it to myself. That's why here, when you buy something, you keep the receipt with you. Because if you change your mind, you could go back again. Because it was a good idea when you picked it the first time because you liked it. But then later on when you were talking to yourself about it, you realize it's too expensive, I don't think I need it, and then you just send it back. Same thing, unfortunately with relationships as well too. You see somebody, your heart is locked on a decision. And now you're trying to mentally justifying it to yourself.
So yeah, it doesn't matter if you speak ten times or 20 times or 100 times or meeting 1000 times before you start making decisions. As a matter of fact, meeting too many times and meeting too many people will statistically actually cause your prospect of success to go down. Because the more you see, the more you get confused. And you start going into this gambling game. It's like you start always thinking, she's almost perfect, he's almost perfect. Maybe one more time, maybe I should see somebody else. Maybe this, maybe that. And we go on what we call analysis paralysis or decision paralysis.
The more options you have in front of you, the less likely you'll make a right decision or good decision. So what if your emotion says yes, but your reasoning says no? Or vice versa? That brings us to the point we mentioned, maybe. Actually that will bring us to a point very important to understand is that when people want to choose somebody for a spouse, you choose the right person, not the best person or the perfect person. So what does that mean? If my heart is telling me he is the one or she is the one, but my circumstances are telling me that's not a good idea, because, look, you don't have a job or you're going to have a hard time applying for her visa or this or that.
People have circumstances. It's not just because I feel inclined. I love this individual. It has to be through also the right circumstances. So if your heart is telling you he's the one and she is the one, but all the reasoning that you have around is telling you not a good idea. You're going to have to listen to your mind because it might not be a good idea. Yes, you might feel loving her, but your circumstances are not right. So what do I need to do? You need to change the circumstances in a way to make it possible for this relationship to go through. If my mind is telling me it is a good idea, but my heart is not there, should I go with this? Now it goes back again to the same principle.
If the circumstances are right, the chances for this relationship to be good is higher. But I don't love her, I don't love him. Okay, but at least, do you think he is okay? Do you think she is okay? Like, do you have that level of acceptance and kabul? If you have it, hopefully the right circumstances will develop that fire of love for you. That's basically what the point is. It's all about the right circumstances. My family doesn't want the person I want to marry, but I feel attached to my spouse candidate. I think we'll be happy, but I don't want to go against anyone. What should I do? I don't think it's a good idea to go against your family.
You need to try your best to bring them to accept, or at least to be okay with it. Because people think that once you get married, you're going to be living, you and your spouse, heavenly blessed forever. Time will come when unfortunately you're going to have difficulties and hardships, and going to need your family's assistance and family's involvement in your life. So that's why it's always good to have the family blessings as you move on. Unless, obviously if my family's criteria is way off than what I need them for. For example, Alhamdulillah, I'm a practicing Muslim. I'm a religious person.
I want someone who is also religious, someone who is practicing enough, at least for us to grow together in our faith, in our deen. But my family, they don't care about that. They want someone who is just rich, someone who is this, someone who is from our family, our tradition, our culture. So yeah, it depends. If the choice that they're presenting to you is way off your list of criteria, deen and akhlaq, which means their faith and their practice, etiquettes and manners. In that case, yeah, I'm going to have to stick to my criteria. And I will say, look, listen, you guys, if you're not going to bring me somebody within those major criteria for myself, I'm going to have to make that choice.
So, at some point they're going to have to make a decision. But I don't think it's a good idea for people to get married without the blessings of their family. It will take the Barakah from the relationship. I love someone and we intend to get married, but he has some bad habits. I fear that it can cause problems in the future, but I cannot see any other solution other than praying for him or her to get better. Will he or she get better after marriage? I mean, really, it depends on what habits we're talking about. I mean, if a person has a bad history of bad habits, marriage doesn't fix a person like that.
It's not like a switch where you just, you get married, Mashallah, you become righteous. You leave marriage, you're out of righteousness. That's not a work like this. And it's not like marriage is going to... If the person comes and promises you, "Look, I promise you, I'm done with this." Like, let's say smoking, for example. It's a bad habit, for instance. She doesn't like someone who smokes. And she's worried that if we get married, he's going to continue with that. He tells her, "No, no, don't worry about it. I'm actually trying my best. I'm going to stop smoking or vaping and this and that and so on." But then there's no guarantee. Because in some cultures, it's a cultural thing.
So they do it everywhere they go. And it's hard for him to stop if everywhere they go, they associate with the same culture as well and so on. So therefore I don't say that, people will change after marriage by quitting all these habits and so forth. But there is no guarantee that the person who is good might not, unfortunately, adapt bad habits after marriage as well too. So should I accept that person or not? Again, it depends really on what habit we're talking about. Some habits are very addictive and these things are very hard to change. Some of them can be haram, and therefore I would say no if the person is not committed to Allah (swt).
Individually, I don't know how they're going to commit to you after marriage. To leave this for you, for example. So it depends on what habits that is and how much this person is involved into it. But generally it turns out to be bad. You know, they don't generally quit. Is that... Usually it's hard for people to quit habits. They say actually habits don't go away. They can only be replaced. What does that mean? If you practice this bad habit, for example, in order for you to avoid doing this you need to do something different. Too many times, the weight of the new habit pushes the old habit down. But if you stop doing the new habit, the bad habit springs out again.
So therefore, it's important to know that the person is really committed to that change, regardless of whether they are married to you or not. So how did Sheikh Yasir Birjah get married? Can you tell us about your process? It's interesting because that happened 26 years ago. Alhamdulillah. And frankly, it was in a very, very simple way. I mean, back in the days, it was simple, really. I used to work in Europe at that time and I told my mom, I said, "Mom, I need to come back, you know, and find a spouse. Could you please help me out with that?
Can you find me somebody that you could recommend?" She said, "Okay, Inshallah, when you come back, I will have somebody for..." No actually, she was in Jordan. So, I was actually in Europe, I was in Bosnia, I was working there. And I told her I needed to come back to get married. She said, "When you come back, Inshallah, I'll have somebody ready for you." So, alright. Bismillah. So when I came down, my mom, she had three prospects. Subhanallah, we talked to them. and Allah (swt) willed that I choose my wife right now, Alhamdulillah. How long did it take us? Honestly it didn't take as much to decide. It was between 10 to 12 days.
Within one month we were married and I applied for her visa and we flew together to Bosnia. And now it's 26 years and four kids. Alhamdulillah. If you come to this world 1000 times again, would you prefer the same way that you chose your wife? Absolutely. I wouldn't change it, really. Frankly, because it's the easiest way. It's the simplest way, I would say. You see, many people, they think that the success of the marriage is based on marrying, you know... You have to know the person before you marry them. Well, that's proven to be a failure because we know that dating is very common but it's failing people. You know the person, not just their minds and their ideas.
With all due respect, sometimes they sleep with them, which means there's nothing hidden anymore. And it still does not guarantee success for the relationship. So therefore, when... And that's the funny thing, paradoxical thing, as a matter of fact, is that I know a lot of people, they don't want to marry somebody that they know too much about. Although we say that you have to know the person before you marry them, right? But knowing too much sometimes discourages people from marrying them. So therefore they would rather marry somebody that they have an element of surprise with them.
Like for example, here in America, for instance, the MSA, which is the Muslim Student Association, that the young people in college, for instance... They are around each other for a very long time. But when it comes to getting married, a few of them, they would marry from the same chapter. They would probably, maybe rather find somebody across country to marry them than marry someone from the same group that they volunteered with and they work with and so on. And I asked them, why not? So well, we know too much about each other. They're too close. They became too close to each other. It no longer becomes attractive for marriage. So that's one of those misconceptions.
People think that you have to know the person before you marry them. Well, you have to know enough. I would say, that's reasonable. Like I need to know that this person is decent. This person is, Alhamdulillah, their level of religiosity is reasonable. Their akhlaq is Mashallah, their reputation is good. Like, I need to know enough. However, is there a guarantee that this person is going to be as perfect and pristine as you've been told? We don't know. I mean... There's always that element of surprise. Could be positive, could be negative. It's our test. May Allah make it easy for the people who go through these tests. We saw that you have some cooking videos.
Does Yasir Birjah get in the kitchen at home? Do you have a masterpiece dish that your wife cannot do as well as you? I do get into the kitchen very often. I love cooking. Just to let you know, because I have an engineering background. I think my engineering background is always into this. Because cooking is really about engineering. It's perfection of the spices and flavors and this and that. So I love that stuff. So I do, actually. Every now and then I participate. I get into the kitchen. Especially if my wife, for example, needs help, or maybe if she's not available to cook that day, or maybe if she's actually tired or she's sick and so on. So, I love to do that stuff.
If there's any special dish that I'm known for, if I ask my kids, they would say, "You're good at the soups and the salads." Like, this is my specialty, basically. I do cook other things, obviously, But they said "The kind of soups that you make, they're very good." Because I make a variety of soups. I always look online for recipes and I add my things into it, and that would be good. Salads, the same thing too. I look for different recipes for salads, make a lot of variety. Of course, if my wife starts cooking, obviously it's going to top everything that I do. But definitely I have my own niche in the kitchen. What would you advise your daughter when she's about to marry?
I mean, I would advise her just, like... What exactly marriage should look like. I mean, she should understand that marriage is not as easy, but you can make it beautiful. I would say that marriage is more like a portrait, a picture, an image. And you're the artist. And two artists are using the same colors, but they have to have very good coordination to make a beautiful picture. When it comes to marriage, it's all about love and mercy. You can't just think of it as being only just love. You have to have mercy and forgiveness and flexibility as well too. When it comes to marriage, it is also a test, which means it's part of this life.
You're not going to get everything you want in this relationship. It's always a give and take. So there will be some things you don't like, and something that you would love. Alhamdulillah. So overall, it's a journey. And you're going to have to accept all the ups and downs in that journey. And when do you know that your marriage was beautiful? Maybe 40 or 50 years later, you look back and you would say, "Wow, what a journey we had." But in between, you will only be focusing on the moment of difficulties and hardships. Sheikh Yasir Birjah, thank you for your answers. We learned a lot from you. May Allah reward you for all your efforts for this ummah.
Thank you very much for having me here with you.
Thank you so much for accepting our invitation. We are very happy to have you with us. We want to ask some questions about marriage today. -Absolutely. -We hope to sweat you with our questions. Bismillah, looking forward. Go for it. Okay, so dating is forbidden in Islam. We know it, okay, but generally people ask I don't think I can find a suitable person in any other way. Besides, who can guarantee that someone who was offered to me by someone else will really be the most suitable person I can find? Well, I think there's actually one of the biggest misconceptions about dating that dating will result in successful choice and successful marriage.
Here in America, at least in America, people now, they define dating as exercise for divorce. Because they realize that dating does not necessarily guarantee you're going to choose somebody that will last for you and with you in the relationship. And it's become an industry, really. It's more about making money than anything else. So there is a lot of sites about dating and the culture of dating and all that kind of stuff. There are a lot of promotion to that, but it does not necessarily guarantee that you will find someone who will be suitable for you for marriage.
Otherwise, if dating was successful here in America, why we still have a problem with getting people married and keeping them married? Because we have a very slow rate of marriage and a very high rate of divorce. So dating in itself is not necessarily the guarantee that you will find the right person for it. So what is the right way then to find someone? Frankly, no matter how much we tried, the best thing is really the word of mouth. People knowing somebody who knows somebody that they can get you together and connected together as well.
And then after they get to know about someone, then they start, of course, having the official interviews and talking to each other and having the conversations and so on. And eventually, hopefully by doing that, we will be able to find that person who is suitable for marriage for you. What was the most interesting and strange question you have ever received about dating or marriage? I mean, wow. There are a lot of things people look for. One of the most iconic things people ask about is they look for a perfect person.
So when when they come to me, they say, "Can you help me find somebody for me?" I said, "Sure." So one of the jokes I usually make with people is, when they come to me and ask "Can you help me find a wife or a girl?" I say, "Okay, what are you looking for?" So this person gives me a long list of criteria. They say, like, "The most beautiful, religious, she is this, she is that." They give like perfect list of demands. And then he asked me, "What do you think of this?" This is amazing. If you find someone like this, please let me know. I want to marry her, because I don't think they exist in reality. You see, there is no one really perfect.
You might find someone whose family is amazing, but unfortunately they as individuals might not be the right match for you. You might find someone who is Mashallah in terms of their akhlaq and their manners are amazing. But in terms of education, their socioeconomic status, may not be the best for you. So there is nothing perfect. So people, unfortunately they are pursuing illusion. Their perception of that, if I find that the perfect person, the soulmate, my life will be perfect, will be amazing. But that's not true. Allah (swt) in the Quran said, "We have created man into kabd," which means you're going to always have to be tested and tried and struggle.
And marriage by design is supposed to be also part of the test. Now how to make it beautiful or otherwise, that's your business. So yeah, when they ask, they ask unrealistic questions, and they ask unrealistic demands about the person they would like to marry to. Look, people, they ask. Usually they're looking for what I like to call... The perfect example, or you could say that the most suitable example. I said, "Don't look for the perfect one, look for the right one." And the difference is that when it comes to perfection, it's abstract, it's theoretical. You find it on paper in terms of their level of education, their age, their vision, their personality.
All of this is beautiful on paper. But when it comes to really living together and being together, it's a different story. So therefore don't look for the perfect person, look for the right person. Because the right person will be the perfect person for you. So then how are you going to understand the right person? Who is the right person for us? First of all, you have to understand yourself. Like, we usually tell people, would you marry you? That's the question. Which means if you can imagine the opposite gender of yourself, would you marry that person or not? And if you say no, then you have a problem with your self-confidence now. You're not sure about yourself.
So what does that even mean? You see, when I ask people, "What do you look for?" They say, "I want someone religious." I say, "How religious are you looking for?" Would you marry someone less religious than you are, or someone more religious than you are? They always say, "I want someone who is more religious." I say, "Why?" Well, I want them to help me out, become a better Muslim, a better person, right? I said, okay, if you're at this level, and you're looking for somebody who is above you, this person who is above you, where would they be looking for? They must be looking also for above themselves.
And as a result, you would never marry somebody because you're going to always wait for someone who's above you to accept you. So what do we say then? The best is to look for someone who's around the same level. Someone around your same level, so that you can grow together. And if you would like to marry somebody who is at this level, then work on yourself first until you become here, so you can attract somebody at the same level. That also works for, when it comes to, let's say, education, when it comes to socioeconomic status of the family and yourself and so on. Like, look for somebody who you can have around the same level. That person will be the right person for you.
Because the more you might match in these areas, the better it is for you. So that you have less and less issues of expectation because you'll be different. Is it necessary to fall in love to get married? It depends on how you define love. If you define love like it's on TV, I can tell you, even those so-called actors and actresses, they wish their loving life in real life as perfect as it is on TV. But many of these celebrities we have in America here, for example, unfortunately, they marry and divorce, they marry and divorce. Sometimes they don't even actually marry at all, and it's just like...
So even though they might give you the most perfect love story on TV, but their real life is unfortunately not matching what they're saying. So therefore, what does it mean to say love? I do believe that love definitely is one important element of success in relationships. But it's not the only thing. Also love... Allah (swt) says in Surah Ar-Rum, And one of His signs is that He had created for you from amongst yourselves your spouses. Why? So that you might find peace and tranquility with them. And He placed between your heart love and mercy, passion and compassion. Indeed, there are signs therein for those who reflect.
Now Allah (swt) is telling us, "I guarantee you peace and tranquility, which is the thing that everybody looks for in a relationship. If you bring me love and mercy, if you live together in love and mercy." So love, it is an ingredient of a successful relationship. But what does it really mean? That's the whole question. If you ask people, there is no one definition for love. Love is a spectrum and love transforms itself in the relationship. You sometimes love a person for a specific reason, and then that thing fades away and new things emerge in the relationship. Now you have kids, so you love them for being the parents of your children, for example, and so on.
So many people, unfortunately, they think of love as sentimental value, which means something I have in my heart. And if I have it, we can live together. If I don't have it, it's gone. So the relationship should go away. That's not true Because a lot of relationships, they don't run on love. They run on on mercy. One time a man came to Omar (ra) and asked him. He goes, "I don't think I love my wife anymore." "Do you think all homes are surviving on love?" Do you think they are all built on love? Sometimes we don't necessarily have that much passion for each other, but we are together because we still have respect for each other. We still have compassion for each other.
There are other values. and that's why people get married for different reasons, obviously. And sometimes you marry somebody without even noticing or knowing that you will love this individual. But Subhanallah, because of their akhlaq and their manners, you just fall in love with them. Someone says, there's a candidate I want to marry. This person meets some of my criteria but doesn't meet others. One part of me says, if you give up, you may regret in the future. And other part of me says, if you go on and marry that person, you may regret it in the future. I'm in between To decide to get married with that person, what percentage of the criteria should be fulfilled?
Oh man, that's a tough one. Because really, there's no percentage. But like I said, it really depends on the circumstances. What are you looking for in a spouse? You see, this... We learned that from hadith of Nabi (saw), when one time the Prophet (saw) was coming back from a journey, and then he saw that Jabir ibn Abd Allah (ra), he was rushing to go back to Medina. And the Prophet (saw) kind of joked with him. "What's the rush for? Why are you so in a hurry?" He said, "Ya Rasulullah, before I left out with you, I got married. So I just want to go back again to my wife." "I didn't have enough time to be with her.
So I want to rush to go to be my wife." So the Prophet (saw) told him, "Did you marry someone who was young, like yourself or someone who's been married before?" He goes, "No, I had to marry someone who was married before." And the Prophet (saw) said, "Why not someone young like yourself?" He goes, "Ya Rasulullah, when my father passed, he left me seven sisters, and I'm the only boy. So I needed somebody to help me out with my sisters. I didn't want to bring another one that I have to care for as well." So the Prophet (saw), he approved his choice and he made dua for him. What does that mean?
In terms of the best option for Jabir, is someone his age, his experience in life to life to grow together. But his circumstance required from him to marry somebody who is experienced, who can help with the sisters as well to. That's the right choice for him, right? Now, to say 50%, 30%, 20%, I can't tell that. Because each have their own unique circumstances. For some it's financial, for others, it's maybe the family, the culture, right? Everything is perfect except that she is not from my culture. She's from a different culture. That might be a big deal for them, right? Even though it's just 10% out of the whole criteria.
But it's that 10% weighs more for them than the entire 90% altogether. So the first meeting is over, but I'm not sure how I feel about him or her. Shouldn't I have fallen in love at first sight? I don't feel negative, but I can't say it was definitely positive. What should I do? This is one of the biggest problems we have in our time and our generation, among the younger people. And frankly, the main reason for that, because our generation today, they're dealing with something that was not available for the generations before. That's called the culture of abundance.
Meaning the variety is all out there, and the more options you have, the less likely you will be satisfied with making that choice. So therefore, they get confused. They see too much, they talk too much to people. And again, that whole gambling mindset starts kicking in. Maybe I should wait a little bit more. Maybe the next one will be perfect. Maybe this, maybe that. So the more you see, the less likely you'll be satisfied. And the less likely you will make a decision. So I keep asking the younger ones and say, look, it's not about falling in love with them. It's about reaching a, I would say, comfort zone with them. What does that mean?
Like, I talk to him, I talk to her, and I feel comfortable with them. Do you love him? I don't know if I love him, really, but... I mean, it's work in progress. I don't know much yet, but maybe within the relationship, things get better, right? So, yeah, it's not really about falling in love with her. Crazy, being in love with her. It's about thinking, about feeling comfortable with her. And also feeling comfortable one day that she will be the mother of my kids, for example. Or he's the husband, the father of my kids, for instance. If you reach that comfort zone, I suggest you move on. What principles should be followed in a premarital meeting interview with the spouse candidate?
So when a young man, young woman, they want to meet, they would like to to explore the relationship for marriage. What should they be looking for? Obviously there are two circles. The core qualities and the periphery or the side qualities. So the core qualities were mentioned. You look for deen and akhlaq. Someone comes to you, you're pleased with their deen, their relationship with Allah the Creator, and akhlaq, their relationship with the Creation, which means their manners and their etiquettes. So these are the two important ones. Obviously it's the core qualities. And sometimes it's a spectrum these days, really. Even when it comes to religiosity.
Like we said, you don't look for someone way above you. Look at someone around your level and grow together. In terms of the other qualities, you're going to look, of course, the age factor, the beauty factor, the race factor, the job factor, education factor. All these things are preferences. People, they put them in specific priority. For some it's very important. For others, they're not that big a deal. But the most two important things you need to work for and explore are the deen and akhlaq. That's the first thing. The second thing, what people need to look for in order to have compatibility, you need to find compatibility in terms of personalities. So are you an introvert or extrovert?
Do you like to be around people or not? Are you active? Do you have an active lifestyle, or you just like to stay at home and just read books, for example? Explore the personality aspect of it. Also start exploring the vision. Meaning, how do you see marriage look like to you? How do you see your role as a husband, as a wife? What do you see your role in the future? You have kids, for example. You need to know what's the plan. Are we on the same page or are we taking different routes in the future? Ask them about, maybe in terms of their money management, what's their financial goals, for example, in the relationship?
Do they believe in budgeting, or do they want to spend as much as they want, and so on. Basically try to get to know whatever you can about their vision, their personality, their manners, their akhlaq, how they deal with difficulties and hardships and anger issues and so and so. Hopefully you'll find the answer that would be pleasing to you. And what about the rules that should be followed in an interview? Like, you know, don't be alone together. Other things like conduct. Obviously, Islamically speaking, you need to keep the Barakah in your relationship from the very beginning. Some young people, they unfortunately violate some of these rules between the opposite genders.
So they go out alone. They even date each other and they spend the night, you know, together. All these things are not supposed to happen between the suitors, who are looking to get married until their nikah is done. Actually, the contract is done. So what do you do in this case? The best way to do that is really to engage the family from the very beginning. Like once a person is interested, say okay, talk to my family so they can have them basically come over and speak with them and so on. Once, Alhamdulillah, they have a mutual understanding. then, in this case they start talking over the phone or maybe, you know, texting at least to get to know more about each other.
If they want to meet outside, they have to have a third party to be with them from the family, if possible, obviously, of course. As much as possible to avoid being alone until their nikah is done. Now, you might say, how long does it take for a person to make a decision, right, before they start saying, okay, she's the one or he's the one? It's very interesting because people think it takes you too long to decide. but statistically speaking, it takes a split second to decide. What does that mean? The moment you see the person, in your heart, you feel that, you know what, he's the one or she's the one. Or you might say from the inside you're not pleased with it.
And then so what do you do next? You spend hours and hours in what we call mental justification. You're only right now asking the question, and your heart and your mind is trying to focus on why your heart is telling you it's not a good idea or it's a good idea. I joke with people. I say, when you go and you buy something from the store, do you buy it based on an emotional drive or rational drive? Everybody says, well, rational, because I need this. I say, no, no, no, no. Why did you pick this, not this? Even tomatoes. Why did you pick this one, not that one? Because you liked it first. So we always make decision based on an emotional drive.
I like and then I spend the rest of the time justifying it to myself. That's why here, when you buy something, you keep the receipt with you. Because if you change your mind, you could go back again. Because it was a good idea when you picked it the first time because you liked it. But then later on when you were talking to yourself about it, you realize it's too expensive, I don't think I need it, and then you just send it back. Same thing, unfortunately with relationships as well too. You see somebody, your heart is locked on a decision. And now you're trying to mentally justifying it to yourself.
So yeah, it doesn't matter if you speak ten times or 20 times or 100 times or meeting 1000 times before you start making decisions. As a matter of fact, meeting too many times and meeting too many people will statistically actually cause your prospect of success to go down. Because the more you see, the more you get confused. And you start going into this gambling game. It's like you start always thinking, she's almost perfect, he's almost perfect. Maybe one more time, maybe I should see somebody else. Maybe this, maybe that. And we go on what we call analysis paralysis or decision paralysis.
The more options you have in front of you, the less likely you'll make a right decision or good decision. So what if your emotion says yes, but your reasoning says no? Or vice versa? That brings us to the point we mentioned, maybe. Actually that will bring us to a point very important to understand is that when people want to choose somebody for a spouse, you choose the right person, not the best person or the perfect person. So what does that mean? If my heart is telling me he is the one or she is the one, but my circumstances are telling me that's not a good idea, because, look, you don't have a job or you're going to have a hard time applying for her visa or this or that.
People have circumstances. It's not just because I feel inclined. I love this individual. It has to be through also the right circumstances. So if your heart is telling you he's the one and she is the one, but all the reasoning that you have around is telling you not a good idea. You're going to have to listen to your mind because it might not be a good idea. Yes, you might feel loving her, but your circumstances are not right. So what do I need to do? You need to change the circumstances in a way to make it possible for this relationship to go through. If my mind is telling me it is a good idea, but my heart is not there, should I go with this? Now it goes back again to the same principle.
If the circumstances are right, the chances for this relationship to be good is higher. But I don't love her, I don't love him. Okay, but at least, do you think he is okay? Do you think she is okay? Like, do you have that level of acceptance and kabul? If you have it, hopefully the right circumstances will develop that fire of love for you. That's basically what the point is. It's all about the right circumstances. My family doesn't want the person I want to marry, but I feel attached to my spouse candidate. I think we'll be happy, but I don't want to go against anyone. What should I do? I don't think it's a good idea to go against your family.
You need to try your best to bring them to accept, or at least to be okay with it. Because people think that once you get married, you're going to be living, you and your spouse, heavenly blessed forever. Time will come when unfortunately you're going to have difficulties and hardships, and going to need your family's assistance and family's involvement in your life. So that's why it's always good to have the family blessings as you move on. Unless, obviously if my family's criteria is way off than what I need them for. For example, Alhamdulillah, I'm a practicing Muslim. I'm a religious person.
I want someone who is also religious, someone who is practicing enough, at least for us to grow together in our faith, in our deen. But my family, they don't care about that. They want someone who is just rich, someone who is this, someone who is from our family, our tradition, our culture. So yeah, it depends. If the choice that they're presenting to you is way off your list of criteria, deen and akhlaq, which means their faith and their practice, etiquettes and manners. In that case, yeah, I'm going to have to stick to my criteria. And I will say, look, listen, you guys, if you're not going to bring me somebody within those major criteria for myself, I'm going to have to make that choice.
So, at some point they're going to have to make a decision. But I don't think it's a good idea for people to get married without the blessings of their family. It will take the Barakah from the relationship. I love someone and we intend to get married, but he has some bad habits. I fear that it can cause problems in the future, but I cannot see any other solution other than praying for him or her to get better. Will he or she get better after marriage? I mean, really, it depends on what habits we're talking about. I mean, if a person has a bad history of bad habits, marriage doesn't fix a person like that.
It's not like a switch where you just, you get married, Mashallah, you become righteous. You leave marriage, you're out of righteousness. That's not a work like this. And it's not like marriage is going to... If the person comes and promises you, "Look, I promise you, I'm done with this." Like, let's say smoking, for example. It's a bad habit, for instance. She doesn't like someone who smokes. And she's worried that if we get married, he's going to continue with that. He tells her, "No, no, don't worry about it. I'm actually trying my best. I'm going to stop smoking or vaping and this and that and so on." But then there's no guarantee. Because in some cultures, it's a cultural thing.
So they do it everywhere they go. And it's hard for him to stop if everywhere they go, they associate with the same culture as well and so on. So therefore I don't say that, people will change after marriage by quitting all these habits and so forth. But there is no guarantee that the person who is good might not, unfortunately, adapt bad habits after marriage as well too. So should I accept that person or not? Again, it depends really on what habit we're talking about. Some habits are very addictive and these things are very hard to change. Some of them can be haram, and therefore I would say no if the person is not committed to Allah (swt).
Individually, I don't know how they're going to commit to you after marriage. To leave this for you, for example. So it depends on what habits that is and how much this person is involved into it. But generally it turns out to be bad. You know, they don't generally quit. Is that... Usually it's hard for people to quit habits. They say actually habits don't go away. They can only be replaced. What does that mean? If you practice this bad habit, for example, in order for you to avoid doing this you need to do something different. Too many times, the weight of the new habit pushes the old habit down. But if you stop doing the new habit, the bad habit springs out again.
So therefore, it's important to know that the person is really committed to that change, regardless of whether they are married to you or not. So how did Sheikh Yasir Birjah get married? Can you tell us about your process? It's interesting because that happened 26 years ago. Alhamdulillah. And frankly, it was in a very, very simple way. I mean, back in the days, it was simple, really. I used to work in Europe at that time and I told my mom, I said, "Mom, I need to come back, you know, and find a spouse. Could you please help me out with that?
Can you find me somebody that you could recommend?" She said, "Okay, Inshallah, when you come back, I will have somebody for..." No actually, she was in Jordan. So, I was actually in Europe, I was in Bosnia, I was working there. And I told her I needed to come back to get married. She said, "When you come back, Inshallah, I'll have somebody ready for you." So, alright. Bismillah. So when I came down, my mom, she had three prospects. Subhanallah, we talked to them. and Allah (swt) willed that I choose my wife right now, Alhamdulillah. How long did it take us? Honestly it didn't take as much to decide. It was between 10 to 12 days.
Within one month we were married and I applied for her visa and we flew together to Bosnia. And now it's 26 years and four kids. Alhamdulillah. If you come to this world 1000 times again, would you prefer the same way that you chose your wife? Absolutely. I wouldn't change it, really. Frankly, because it's the easiest way. It's the simplest way, I would say. You see, many people, they think that the success of the marriage is based on marrying, you know... You have to know the person before you marry them. Well, that's proven to be a failure because we know that dating is very common but it's failing people. You know the person, not just their minds and their ideas.
With all due respect, sometimes they sleep with them, which means there's nothing hidden anymore. And it still does not guarantee success for the relationship. So therefore, when... And that's the funny thing, paradoxical thing, as a matter of fact, is that I know a lot of people, they don't want to marry somebody that they know too much about. Although we say that you have to know the person before you marry them, right? But knowing too much sometimes discourages people from marrying them. So therefore they would rather marry somebody that they have an element of surprise with them.
Like for example, here in America, for instance, the MSA, which is the Muslim Student Association, that the young people in college, for instance... They are around each other for a very long time. But when it comes to getting married, a few of them, they would marry from the same chapter. They would probably, maybe rather find somebody across country to marry them than marry someone from the same group that they volunteered with and they work with and so on. And I asked them, why not? So well, we know too much about each other. They're too close. They became too close to each other. It no longer becomes attractive for marriage. So that's one of those misconceptions.
People think that you have to know the person before you marry them. Well, you have to know enough. I would say, that's reasonable. Like I need to know that this person is decent. This person is, Alhamdulillah, their level of religiosity is reasonable. Their akhlaq is Mashallah, their reputation is good. Like, I need to know enough. However, is there a guarantee that this person is going to be as perfect and pristine as you've been told? We don't know. I mean... There's always that element of surprise. Could be positive, could be negative. It's our test. May Allah make it easy for the people who go through these tests. We saw that you have some cooking videos.
Does Yasir Birjah get in the kitchen at home? Do you have a masterpiece dish that your wife cannot do as well as you? I do get into the kitchen very often. I love cooking. Just to let you know, because I have an engineering background. I think my engineering background is always into this. Because cooking is really about engineering. It's perfection of the spices and flavors and this and that. So I love that stuff. So I do, actually. Every now and then I participate. I get into the kitchen. Especially if my wife, for example, needs help, or maybe if she's not available to cook that day, or maybe if she's actually tired or she's sick and so on. So, I love to do that stuff.
If there's any special dish that I'm known for, if I ask my kids, they would say, "You're good at the soups and the salads." Like, this is my specialty, basically. I do cook other things, obviously, But they said "The kind of soups that you make, they're very good." Because I make a variety of soups. I always look online for recipes and I add my things into it, and that would be good. Salads, the same thing too. I look for different recipes for salads, make a lot of variety. Of course, if my wife starts cooking, obviously it's going to top everything that I do. But definitely I have my own niche in the kitchen. What would you advise your daughter when she's about to marry?
I mean, I would advise her just, like... What exactly marriage should look like. I mean, she should understand that marriage is not as easy, but you can make it beautiful. I would say that marriage is more like a portrait, a picture, an image. And you're the artist. And two artists are using the same colors, but they have to have very good coordination to make a beautiful picture. When it comes to marriage, it's all about love and mercy. You can't just think of it as being only just love. You have to have mercy and forgiveness and flexibility as well too. When it comes to marriage, it is also a test, which means it's part of this life.
You're not going to get everything you want in this relationship. It's always a give and take. So there will be some things you don't like, and something that you would love. Alhamdulillah. So overall, it's a journey. And you're going to have to accept all the ups and downs in that journey. And when do you know that your marriage was beautiful? Maybe 40 or 50 years later, you look back and you would say, "Wow, what a journey we had." But in between, you will only be focusing on the moment of difficulties and hardships. Sheikh Yasir Birjah, thank you for your answers. We learned a lot from you. May Allah reward you for all your efforts for this ummah.
Thank you very much for having me here with you.