“I Was Drowning in Depression Until Islam Saved Me" - The Incredible Revert Story of @WAYOFLIFESQ
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This memory of this woman that I keep thinking about this girl, like, I can't get her out of my mind, bro. Like, she's literally on my mind 24/7. So I'm on the highway driving, you know, 75, 80 miles an hour. And I'm putting my foot on the ground. Hand right over here. And I just closed my eyes. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. And at this point, I realized that I need to be looking for something more deeper and meaningful. Now I start thinking about looking at books and types of -isms to help me out. So you look into the Buddhism, you look into the Hinduism, you look into the Torah, you look into the Injil, the Bible. And it just didn't make sense to me. I download the Qur'an app.
I just started reading it. 20 minutes have passed by. And I'm like, wait, hang on a second. I have not thought about this girl in the last 25 minutes. This is incredible. And then I come across this verse. How did it know that? There's no way it knew that. How did it know that? Assalamualaikum, Brother SQ. Thank you so much for accepting our invitation. We are very happy to have you with us. And I want to start by asking, who is Brother SQ? Can you tell us briefly about your life? The way I like to describe myself is just an orphan from the Bronx, just a really regular guy. Humble beginnings. Went through a lot in life, you know, with my family, my father. Domestic violence, abuse.
I'm actually a refugee. People really don't know this, because my father, Subhanallah, was very abusive to my mom and to us, to me and my sisters. Just me and my sisters. Subhanallah. The abuse just kept on escalating more and more and more and more and more to the degree where our lives were at risk. One day, when he was just asleep, we ran away. You know, I came to New York, on September 10th, 2001. Hours before 9/11. And not only did I not know what 9/11 was, but this changed my life completely. You know, if you were brown and you were just a little bit different, you were going to get roasted, you were going to get bullied. You were going to get everything.
Like, I remember the first day of school, everyone was just like, "Yo, where's Bin Laden?" Everyone was ignorant. They're kids, you know? They only know what their parents have heard and what the news is telling them. And Islamophobia back then was bad. If you think now it's bad, back then, you were just ignorant. And I affiliated that with Islam. Like, this thing over here is causing me so much trouble, which I want nothing to do with this thing. Like, it had nothing to do with... This whole event had nothing to do with me. They're accusing me for something that I have nothing to do with, right? I wanted nothing to do with it. So for me, Islam and terrorism was one.
Islam and terrorism was one, I believed it. Yeah, Muslims are terrorists. Even though you were a Muslim. Yes, I believed it. So as a kid, seeing that growing up, I wanted nothing to do with Islam. People would ask me where I'm from. I would tell them I'm Puerto Rican. I'd tell them I'm Dominican. Heck, I'd tell them I'm Mexican for all I care, but I ain't telling them I'm Pakistani. In New York, we have metal detectors in our school. I know that's kind of weird. So I made sure that there would be nothing on me at all. Why? Because if I beeped all, I'm going to hear, "Yo, he got a bomb." "Yo! Terrorist." That was my nickname. Terrorist was my nickname.
Now, you put yourself in my position of a 14 year old or a 15 year old. You want to be a Muslim? Definitely not. Being a Muslim was the ultimate thing stopping me from happiness. That's what I was feeling and believing. Being a Muslim was stopping me from being happy. Let me go further away from it. Whatever my nafs wanted, I did it. If I wanted a woman, I got one. If I wanted some dr*gs, I got one. You know, it enjoys it for now, but then it wants more later on. But that is what caused me to find the true depression in my life, caused me to really hit rock bottom, my depression. Caused me to really go for my suicidal stuff.
So that's what caused me to really, really further go away from Islam. My mom, Subhanallah, would be walking. If I would be walking with my mom, I'd let her walk ahead of me so I'm not next to her. So people don't know that's my mom. It was bad. I'm not proud of saying that, but I'm just telling you, this is what I was experiencing. You know, my mom had to deal with so much, because we're still, remember, we're still rebellious teenagers. That's still a thing, you know? And all these things that I'm talking about, jahiliyya and haram, the one who had to really deal with it was my mom. Like, it was my mom who was up sleepless nights when I was out in the clubs.
You know, when you don't come home, people don't realize it, wallahi. And if I go into Heaven, it's because of my mom. My mom would be praying for me. She prayed for me. She prayed for me. She said, "Allah guide him." And it didn't happen overnight. It didn't happen in a month. It took years. It took time. You know, she came here. She didn't have a formal education or anything. She would work at, like, gas stations and stuff. Late night shifts. Nighttime, bro. Nighttime. When the worst of the worst people are there. A woman at the gas station. She's working over there, and her son is forcing her with whatever money she gets, to buy me something nice. What is this stuff that you're giving me?
They laugh at me at school. What are these sneakers? Oh, I wish you were educated. What kind of mother do I have? I wish you'd got an education. Do something so you could provide for us. Imagine. People would ask me what my mom does. I'd be so embarrassed of my mom. I'm embarrassed of her. Like, look what she's doing. She can't even provide a roof over our head. Audhubillah, what kind of a son was I? What type of mindset did you have in those days, and can you describe through your experience? And were you really happy with that lifestyle? Finally, I felt like I met the woman that, ah, I want to be with this one, this is it, right? But the problem was that she had a boyfriend.
But Alhamdulillah for her. May Allah guide her and bless her wherever, whoever or wherever she is, you know? Because that's what allowed me to get into Islam. Because after we broke up, because I started catching so much feelings for her, now my feelings are so caught up with her, I'm like, when are you going to break up with this guy? Until my heart is just in it too much, bro. And I'm just like, I gotta end this. As Towards Eternity, we need your support. We are a charity organization that aims to spread the message of Islam to the entire world in ten languages.
With your support, you can help people convert to Islam, give up harams, start praying, wear hijab, learn to read the Qur'an and so on. And get your share from all these good deeds, Inshallah. Donate to Towards Eternity, and don't miss this golden opportunity. Until my heart is just in it too much, bro. And I'm just like, I gotta end this. So I end it, right? I end this thing with her and I go back to my master, right? I go back to the dr*gs. Why are people on antidepressants? I'm telling you why. Because you have it all. But you have everything except Allah. So you have nothing. You realize you have nothing, because you don't have Allah in your life.
So, I'm on the highway driving, you know, 75, 80 miles an hour. And I'm putting my foot on the ground, hand right over here, and I just close my eyes. Five Four. Three. Two. One. I'm still here. And I was hoping I'd crash. I was hoping something would happen to me. Because I was done. I didn't want any of this. How did you get out of this depression? I think that for me, I didn't even realize I was depressed until I got out of it. Then I realized that was I dealing with for so long. You know, I remember my boiling point came when it was just too much for me. I'm just unhappy. I wake up... And I remember this very specifically. I'm in my shower. I'm in the bathtub, in my shower.
The water is on and I'm just crying in my bathtub. I'm crying. From the outside looking in, you know, I told you, the money was flowing in very nicely. The women were flowing in very nicely. The dr*gs, the alc**ol, the parties, the popularity, everything I thought I wanted, right? I wanted to be popular, I wanted to be known. I was the life of the party. When I came in, they were like, "Yo, he's here!" "Guys, turn up!" They knew it was me. That guy is crying in his toilet. That guy is crying on his way home. That guy wants to kill himself.
These are the ones that, whenever someone commits suicide, they're like, "But I just spoke to him, he was so happy." You know, no one ever displays suicidal thoughts. You know, it doesn't do that. But Shaitan is working on you. Because for him, it's so important for you to kill yourself. It's so important because that's a perfect, Express, VIP, first class ticket to the Hellfire. What are you doing? Shaitan wins that way. So I'm in my bathtub and I'm just crying. I'm in a fetal position. Just crying, crying, crying. And Allah (swt) inspires me to make a dua to Him. But I didn't know I was making a dua.
All I said was, "If there's something beyond this, then get me out of this situation right now. Allow me to leave, when I finish this, leave this place on the right trajectory. On knowing what I need to do, on the path. Some type of guidance, give me something, so that I don't have to experience this. If not, end it right now. End it right now. I don't want nothing to do with this." So Alhamdulillah, that shower changed my life. I get out and that's the time Allah (swt) inspires me. But I didn't know this at the time. Allah inspires me to, you know, go take a trip to Pakistan, right? I have family there, so why not go over there? Okay, cool. I find out my mom is about to go to Pakistan.
Now on her own. I say, "Mom, let me come with you, please." And at this point, I realized that I need to be looking for something more deeper and meaningful. So now, I start thinking about looking at books and types of -isms to help me out, and think about how do I navigate this storm that I'm feeling. Because now I'm starting to identify that this isn't normal. This is something more and deeper. So the first book that I actually started looking at is a book called The Secret. This manifestation, this positive energy, think positive, it will be positive, right? The universe, help me Universe. Calling out to the universe, looking for signs with... The wind blows, that's a sign.
Like, what are you talking about? So I knew it had some flaws. Because even though I would read it, my actual depression wasn't going away. My thoughts of this woman were not going away. Rather, it would just keep coming back and surfacing and I just had to get out of it. So I go to a bookstore one day, and I come across this book on Buddhism. And it starts talking about the seven principles of Buddhism, the laws of happiness and all these types of things. I try to really, really practice these meditation techniques. But how can you just close your eyes and just try to get rid of all these thoughts, thinking, the breathing and thinking, focusing on all these things?
But it's not going away, because it's still creeping into you. You think that you just got to think positively. It's not working. And I'd picked up a Bible as well too, at this point. point. And I started reading Genesis and all those books as well too. So even though I'm reading it, I'm finding these flaws. But at the same time, it's not doing something to my heart. It's not, really. It's not taking me away from this depression that I'm feeling, this memory of this woman, that I keep thinking about this girl. Like, I can't get her out of my mind, bro. Like, she's literally on my mind 24/7. By this point, I've given up. I've given up. I've said, this is all mumbo jumbo.
All of this, all of this. Buddhism, someone wrote that. People just want to control everyone and religion is all fake. It's all that. That's where my mind is going. So, at this point, I'm in Pakistan right now. And all of a sudden, Ramadan is like a couple of days away. It's time for fasting to begin. And my mom comes to me. She says, "Look, Ramadan is about to start right now, and you're about to fast. But try to include the prayer in it, because Allah does not need you to starve yourself. He doesn't need that. Try to include a prayer and try to pray. Because if you really want to make effectiveness of this, pray." Now, I don't know how to pray.
My mom tells me this and it actually touches my heart a little bit. And I pray the way you pray. Like, however I thought that I had to pray while I'm fasting, this is the first of Ramadan now. And I download the Qur'an app on my phone. I don't even get the book. Everyone else... I went to bookstores, get this stuff. This one, I'm like, "Let me just download the app." And after Salah I just start reading it. Just the basics of it. Surah Al-Fatiha. At first, I just look at it. Just scrolling, "Well, a lot of chapters over here." All right. Gotta start somewhere. I start from Al-Fatiha, and I just read it, right? Just English. I don't know how to read Arabic. Just reading it. I'm reading it.
Reading it, okay, go to the next one. Surah Al-Baqarah. I'm reading it. I'm like, okay. Wow. 20 minutes have passed by. and I'm like, wait, hang on a second. I have not thought about this girl in the last 25 minutes. This is incredible. You have to understand, my brother. This was a revelation for me. I couldn't go maximum five minutes without this girl being back on my mind, distracting me from anything I was doing. I was like, hang on a second, this is good. And wallahi, I was using the Qur'an, Audhubillah, for my own benefit of just forgetting this girl and not thinking about her. I was using this to distract me from thinking about her. That's all I was using the Qur'an for.
The Qur'an was a means of distracting from me thinking about this girl. from thinking about my ex. I was using this to just not think about my ex. So, I would be reading it like I found the hack. I found it, I found the hack. Meanwhile, the Adhan would happen. You know, it would be time for Salah. I'd pray it however I'd think I need to pray, and I started getting excited. I would read the Qur'an. I would be like that. Why? Because every time I wasn't reading the Qur'an, my depression came back. My ex was back on my mind. She was in the front of my mind at all times, and I just started having those feelings again. I was like, no, I need to start reading the Qur'an.
So anyway, I'd be sitting down, people are talking and all that stuff. I'm not even listening to them. I'm just reading my Qur'an. Just reading it with the sole purpose of not thinking about her. The translation, right? The translation of the Qur'an. I was using the translation of the Qur'an just to forget about my ex. So I'm reading it, I'm reading it. But while I'm doing that, Allah (swt) is slowly opening my heart. Because I'm still reading it, right? I'm still a human being who has an intellect, who can understand a little bit, right? And whatever Allah wills for me to grasp from this translation, an English translation of the Qur'an.
I would find myself reading a verse and I would read this verse, and then I would just start thinking about it like, "Yo, what does He mean by this?" "What do they mean by this verse?" I'd just space out thinking, and I would just look at my phone. My phone is off. The wallpaper, the screen would go off. You know, like if you leave your phone out idle for too long. And I remember it would be on a 15 minute idle time. I would just be lost in my own thoughts, pondering about that verse for 15 minutes. By the time I look at my phone, my phone is black. I have to turn it back, put my password back in.
I was like, "Yo, this is some powerful stuff." At this point, I was realizing that if there was a book, that was from God, it has to be this one. But I wasn't fully convinced yet. So I would put it to the test. Audhubillah, but I would put it to test. I'd be like, "Okay, today to test it, I'm not going to read the Qur'an. I'm not going to pray. I'm gonna just chill out." I'm going to fast, obviously, but I'm going to just chill out. I'm not going to do any of that. My brother, I kid you not, wallahi I kid you not, within the ten minutes that I'm not engaged actively in this, I went to the shower. All those thoughts started coming back to me.
All that wave of depression, all things about this girl. All these things started coming back to my head. I turn off the shower, dry myself off and I got to read this book. This book is the key. This book is the key. And I'm just reading it, and it's just going more and more detailed. And I'm just thinking that Allah, God Almighty, revealed this book somehow. Maybe He struck it with lightning, like He did at the time of Musa (as) and gave the Ten Commandments. I don't know how, but the concept of a revelation coming to the Prophet Muhammad (saw), I didn't even understand that. I just thought God has this book and He's telling us stuff. And I'm reading it, it's affecting me.
And then I come across this verse, and this verse really made me question my entire... Just, how I'm carrying myself as a man. And the verse said that "Indeed, in the remembrance of Allah, do the hearts find ease." At that point I had to literally... I got chills. I turned off my phone. I said, "I have to turn this off." I don't know what that was. What was that? How did it know that? How did it get in my head like that? How did it know that this is where my heart was finding ease? How did it know that? I came to a conclusion at this point. Like, I don't know how it was revealed. I don't know the logistics of it. I don't know anything of it. But this is a word of God, hands down.
This is a word of God. So now, Ramadan is about to come to an end. My trip is coming to an end. And I have to go back to New York. I have to face all the realities again. There's no escapism. There's nothing like this. I've read so much from the Qur'an and now I'm seeing about all this al**ol stuff it's talking about, all this intoxication stuff it's talking about, all this zina stuff it's talking about. And I'm like, okay, hang on a second. Do you understand that I'm going to Pakistan for about a month and a half. All my friends are excited to see me back. Then, when I land, they're trying to get me drinks. They're trying to get me w**d.
They're trying to take me around women, they want a party. And now I'm thinking, I need to make some promises to myself, okay? First promise is this: when I get back, I'm not going to abandon this prayer. This prayer, I don't know what it is, but there's something powerful about this prayer. Next, I'm not going to abandon reading the Qur'an. The translation, I'm not going to abandon it. Because I've linked these two things together to help me forget about this girl and get me out of my depression. Allah, just help me. I don't know what I'm going to do. I go back, people are excited to see me. They want to take me out. They want to do all these types of things.
I go around and they're like, "Yo, we're gonna light you up." That means you're going to smoke. "I got you, bro. Come, come, come, come." I go there and they say, "Yo, take the shot." They pour it in for me. "All shots on 3. 1-2-3!" And I'm just like, "Yo. I can't." They go, "You didn't take your shot. You didn't touch your drink. You're babysitting your drink. Come on." "Are you babysitting your drink? Come on, drink up." I didn't know how to tell them. I felt like a loser. I felt lame. "Guys, I'm not drinking anymore." So, I didn't. I was just like, "I'm not feeling too well. Guys, no, my stomach. Bro, I just got off a flight. I don't know what it is." Okay.
Second time I hang out with them. Yo! Let's smoke. Let's do this. Let's do this, you know? Guys, I'm still not feeling it, you know, and all that sort of stuff. All right, cool. Third time, they stop inviting me. They just stopped inviting me. I started looking bad. He's boring. But I had another friend, and I just confessed to him. I remember, I was in the car. I said, "Bro..." He asked me. The other ones didn't. He asked me. He's like, "Bro, I'm noticing you're not drinking anymore. You know, the women, you're not doing what you used to do before. Like, everything okay with you? Everything okay?" I was like, "Bro, I've been looking into Islam.
I've been reading the Qur'an, and I just don't think it's right anymore for me." He's like, "Really?" And I thought that this was going to be the most embarrassing thing ever. But I was shocked to see he was impressed. But who knows that when you share this with them, they start considering this, too. What is this giving me? Like, what is... I've realized that all this haram costs money. You're earning the displeasure of Allah to displease Allah. You're paying money, not just earning hellfire, but the drinks cost money. The women cost money. Dr*gs cost money. The vape cost money. But dua is free. Salah is free, right? The Hajj is free, reading Qur'an is free. The dhikr is free.
Come on, come on. We're paying for the haram. Paying for all these things, while Allah (swt) has made the solution absolutely free. You know what? He's still my friend. He's like, "Look, we can still go out, you know, you just be the wing man. You just be our designated driver and we all just have a good time. And we don't got to worry, because we know you are right and you're good." I'm like, all right, cool. What am I going to do sitting at home? So I'd go to these places now. Now I'm going to these bars and these clubs. But now I'm not intoxicated anymore. This time I'm not doing any of that. I'm going to these bars, I'm going to these clubs.
Audhubillah, and I'm not intoxicated this time. Rather, I'm the designated driver. And I'm looking at all these people and they all look like a mess. They all look hypnotized. They all looked like they're possessed. They all looked like they're all trying to be like each other. And they all come in the same direction over here. And I realized I don't even want to be here. Like, this is terrible. And now, I just step out. I said, "Bro, you do your thing, I'm going to just wait outside, I just don't..." Allah has taken it out of my heart that I don't even want to be there anymore. So I'm sitting on the edges of the bar. This woman comes and sits next to me. She's there.
And she has this full conversation with me. She's just talking to me, and I can't just help but tell her about Islam. I tell her about... I said, "I've been reading about this thing and it's about the Day of Judgment, and there's a Paradise after this. And then when we die, you get to go to Heaven, you know, you could get out of these things. And it's a beautiful thing. And there's a Creator and He's only one. And you return back to Him, and He blesses you in this life, and He tests you." And all these things like that, and how all of this is just all causing us to forget our true calling and our true nature. It's lowering our frequency.
It's causing us to not be the best versions of ourselves. And the next thing you know, she starts crying. This woman at a bar, outside the bar. She starts crying. She's like, "This is beautiful." I said, "Right?" She said, "Let me ask you a question." I've been talking this whole time, just chatting about Islam the whole time. "Let me ask you something." I said, "Go ahead." She said, "You believe in this. True?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "What are you doing here?" You know what I told her? I don't know. I just said, "I don't know." She said, "You don't belong here." You don't belong here. And that was the last time I went to the bar.
And I realized that Allah put it in my heart that this isn't your spot. I just wanted to go home and read the Qur'an. That's all I wanted to do. Read the translation of the Qur'an, continue, and just move on from this woman. It was when these moments started happening I realized that, you know what, man? This life of mine deserves and requires a different change. If I want to be on this path, I need to be around people who are thinking similarly to me and want to achieve this path as well. I didn't know it existed until I started going to the masjid and started meeting people who thought similar to me, and how they believed in this stuff too. I'm like, yo, this is perfect.
These are the types of people want to be around. So in a very long nutshell, in a big nutshell, this was sort of my story on how, Alhamdulillah, Allah brought Islam in my heart and in my life and Allah (swt) pulled me out of this. And may Allah (swt) keep me on the straight path, because it's so easy to slip back into these things and getting back into the drinks and back into the smoking and back into the women. And anyone who's listening to this right now, keep away from those types of friends and those environments. Because for us, living that jahiliyyah lifestyle, it's like riding a bike. We can go back on it so quickly.
We need to change our environments, make the hijrah from those types of people. The same way the person who killed the 99 people, right? Then he killed 100 person, and then he goes and asks advice from a scholar. The scholar said "Allah will forgive you, but you need to make hijrah." Get away from this. Start a brand new life. Start over for people who don't know your past, who can't keep bringing it up. Yo! What happened bro? You stopped drinking. You stopped smoking. No, no, no, no. Come one more time, bro. One more time for me, for me, for me. One more time, bro. One shot for me. You need to be away from this life. That's the only way you can truly get away from it. Start fresh.
Change your intentions. Make a connection with Allah (swt). Make some promises with yourself and turn back to Allah (swt). And wallahi, it will be difficult, but Allah will make it easy, Inshallah. So what became the purpose of your life then? So then you started giving strict dawah. And can you tell us about those days as well? It's like, you have something that you love and adore. And you just can't stop talking about it, right? It's natural that when we love something, we research about it. It's in our fitrah that when we care about something, we learn about it. We learn the depths and the details and the ins and outs of it because we love it.
When I started learning about Islam, I just... Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Mashallah. By Allah's permission, He just put this love in my heart. I just started loving it because I know how practical it was and how effective it was. Because personally, Islam pulled me out of my depression. It pulled me out of it. The translation of the Qur'an, reading the Qur'an. It pulled me out of my depression. I know how powerful it is firsthand. And I know how many people are depressed, secretly, unknowingly that need this medicine. They need this remedy. And if Allah can just use me to provide this to the whole world, man, isn't this the purpose of your life?
Then if it is, then Allah use me, continue your favor upon me. And use me to spread this deen and allow it to enter every single household. How many years has it been until this awakening? I think it's going on 12 years now. Alhamdulillah. I'm still a baby. I'm still a 12 year old. I'm a little child still. But yeah, I'd say 12 years. Look, there's ups and downs. It's still ups and downs today. But Alhamdulillah, we're on the deen, we're on the tawheed and that's what matters the most. You're still going to slip. You're still going to mess up. It's not easy to leave years of jahiliyyah over one night. You're gonna slip, you're gonna be tested. But Allah (swt) is Rahim.
Allah (swt) will forgive you. So anyone who's going through this jahiliyyah phase and getting out of it, you might slip, but Allah will forgive you. Shaitan will convince you that He won't. Shaitan will thank you, it's over for you. Bro, you're a hypocrite. You're munafiq. But no. Allah (swt) loves the sinner who repents. So repent back to Allah. He'll take care of it for you. Thank you so much for sharing your story sincerely. We learned a lot from you. We really got inspired from your story. May Allah reward you for all the work you have done for this Ummah. You're welcome, thank you so much and thank you everyone for watching. May Allah bless you all. May Allah (swt) increase you all.
And may Allah (swt) reward this channel because I absolutely love it. Make sure you subscribe to this channel.
I just started reading it. 20 minutes have passed by. And I'm like, wait, hang on a second. I have not thought about this girl in the last 25 minutes. This is incredible. And then I come across this verse. How did it know that? There's no way it knew that. How did it know that? Assalamualaikum, Brother SQ. Thank you so much for accepting our invitation. We are very happy to have you with us. And I want to start by asking, who is Brother SQ? Can you tell us briefly about your life? The way I like to describe myself is just an orphan from the Bronx, just a really regular guy. Humble beginnings. Went through a lot in life, you know, with my family, my father. Domestic violence, abuse.
I'm actually a refugee. People really don't know this, because my father, Subhanallah, was very abusive to my mom and to us, to me and my sisters. Just me and my sisters. Subhanallah. The abuse just kept on escalating more and more and more and more and more to the degree where our lives were at risk. One day, when he was just asleep, we ran away. You know, I came to New York, on September 10th, 2001. Hours before 9/11. And not only did I not know what 9/11 was, but this changed my life completely. You know, if you were brown and you were just a little bit different, you were going to get roasted, you were going to get bullied. You were going to get everything.
Like, I remember the first day of school, everyone was just like, "Yo, where's Bin Laden?" Everyone was ignorant. They're kids, you know? They only know what their parents have heard and what the news is telling them. And Islamophobia back then was bad. If you think now it's bad, back then, you were just ignorant. And I affiliated that with Islam. Like, this thing over here is causing me so much trouble, which I want nothing to do with this thing. Like, it had nothing to do with... This whole event had nothing to do with me. They're accusing me for something that I have nothing to do with, right? I wanted nothing to do with it. So for me, Islam and terrorism was one.
Islam and terrorism was one, I believed it. Yeah, Muslims are terrorists. Even though you were a Muslim. Yes, I believed it. So as a kid, seeing that growing up, I wanted nothing to do with Islam. People would ask me where I'm from. I would tell them I'm Puerto Rican. I'd tell them I'm Dominican. Heck, I'd tell them I'm Mexican for all I care, but I ain't telling them I'm Pakistani. In New York, we have metal detectors in our school. I know that's kind of weird. So I made sure that there would be nothing on me at all. Why? Because if I beeped all, I'm going to hear, "Yo, he got a bomb." "Yo! Terrorist." That was my nickname. Terrorist was my nickname.
Now, you put yourself in my position of a 14 year old or a 15 year old. You want to be a Muslim? Definitely not. Being a Muslim was the ultimate thing stopping me from happiness. That's what I was feeling and believing. Being a Muslim was stopping me from being happy. Let me go further away from it. Whatever my nafs wanted, I did it. If I wanted a woman, I got one. If I wanted some dr*gs, I got one. You know, it enjoys it for now, but then it wants more later on. But that is what caused me to find the true depression in my life, caused me to really hit rock bottom, my depression. Caused me to really go for my suicidal stuff.
So that's what caused me to really, really further go away from Islam. My mom, Subhanallah, would be walking. If I would be walking with my mom, I'd let her walk ahead of me so I'm not next to her. So people don't know that's my mom. It was bad. I'm not proud of saying that, but I'm just telling you, this is what I was experiencing. You know, my mom had to deal with so much, because we're still, remember, we're still rebellious teenagers. That's still a thing, you know? And all these things that I'm talking about, jahiliyya and haram, the one who had to really deal with it was my mom. Like, it was my mom who was up sleepless nights when I was out in the clubs.
You know, when you don't come home, people don't realize it, wallahi. And if I go into Heaven, it's because of my mom. My mom would be praying for me. She prayed for me. She prayed for me. She said, "Allah guide him." And it didn't happen overnight. It didn't happen in a month. It took years. It took time. You know, she came here. She didn't have a formal education or anything. She would work at, like, gas stations and stuff. Late night shifts. Nighttime, bro. Nighttime. When the worst of the worst people are there. A woman at the gas station. She's working over there, and her son is forcing her with whatever money she gets, to buy me something nice. What is this stuff that you're giving me?
They laugh at me at school. What are these sneakers? Oh, I wish you were educated. What kind of mother do I have? I wish you'd got an education. Do something so you could provide for us. Imagine. People would ask me what my mom does. I'd be so embarrassed of my mom. I'm embarrassed of her. Like, look what she's doing. She can't even provide a roof over our head. Audhubillah, what kind of a son was I? What type of mindset did you have in those days, and can you describe through your experience? And were you really happy with that lifestyle? Finally, I felt like I met the woman that, ah, I want to be with this one, this is it, right? But the problem was that she had a boyfriend.
But Alhamdulillah for her. May Allah guide her and bless her wherever, whoever or wherever she is, you know? Because that's what allowed me to get into Islam. Because after we broke up, because I started catching so much feelings for her, now my feelings are so caught up with her, I'm like, when are you going to break up with this guy? Until my heart is just in it too much, bro. And I'm just like, I gotta end this. As Towards Eternity, we need your support. We are a charity organization that aims to spread the message of Islam to the entire world in ten languages.
With your support, you can help people convert to Islam, give up harams, start praying, wear hijab, learn to read the Qur'an and so on. And get your share from all these good deeds, Inshallah. Donate to Towards Eternity, and don't miss this golden opportunity. Until my heart is just in it too much, bro. And I'm just like, I gotta end this. So I end it, right? I end this thing with her and I go back to my master, right? I go back to the dr*gs. Why are people on antidepressants? I'm telling you why. Because you have it all. But you have everything except Allah. So you have nothing. You realize you have nothing, because you don't have Allah in your life.
So, I'm on the highway driving, you know, 75, 80 miles an hour. And I'm putting my foot on the ground, hand right over here, and I just close my eyes. Five Four. Three. Two. One. I'm still here. And I was hoping I'd crash. I was hoping something would happen to me. Because I was done. I didn't want any of this. How did you get out of this depression? I think that for me, I didn't even realize I was depressed until I got out of it. Then I realized that was I dealing with for so long. You know, I remember my boiling point came when it was just too much for me. I'm just unhappy. I wake up... And I remember this very specifically. I'm in my shower. I'm in the bathtub, in my shower.
The water is on and I'm just crying in my bathtub. I'm crying. From the outside looking in, you know, I told you, the money was flowing in very nicely. The women were flowing in very nicely. The dr*gs, the alc**ol, the parties, the popularity, everything I thought I wanted, right? I wanted to be popular, I wanted to be known. I was the life of the party. When I came in, they were like, "Yo, he's here!" "Guys, turn up!" They knew it was me. That guy is crying in his toilet. That guy is crying on his way home. That guy wants to kill himself.
These are the ones that, whenever someone commits suicide, they're like, "But I just spoke to him, he was so happy." You know, no one ever displays suicidal thoughts. You know, it doesn't do that. But Shaitan is working on you. Because for him, it's so important for you to kill yourself. It's so important because that's a perfect, Express, VIP, first class ticket to the Hellfire. What are you doing? Shaitan wins that way. So I'm in my bathtub and I'm just crying. I'm in a fetal position. Just crying, crying, crying. And Allah (swt) inspires me to make a dua to Him. But I didn't know I was making a dua.
All I said was, "If there's something beyond this, then get me out of this situation right now. Allow me to leave, when I finish this, leave this place on the right trajectory. On knowing what I need to do, on the path. Some type of guidance, give me something, so that I don't have to experience this. If not, end it right now. End it right now. I don't want nothing to do with this." So Alhamdulillah, that shower changed my life. I get out and that's the time Allah (swt) inspires me. But I didn't know this at the time. Allah inspires me to, you know, go take a trip to Pakistan, right? I have family there, so why not go over there? Okay, cool. I find out my mom is about to go to Pakistan.
Now on her own. I say, "Mom, let me come with you, please." And at this point, I realized that I need to be looking for something more deeper and meaningful. So now, I start thinking about looking at books and types of -isms to help me out, and think about how do I navigate this storm that I'm feeling. Because now I'm starting to identify that this isn't normal. This is something more and deeper. So the first book that I actually started looking at is a book called The Secret. This manifestation, this positive energy, think positive, it will be positive, right? The universe, help me Universe. Calling out to the universe, looking for signs with... The wind blows, that's a sign.
Like, what are you talking about? So I knew it had some flaws. Because even though I would read it, my actual depression wasn't going away. My thoughts of this woman were not going away. Rather, it would just keep coming back and surfacing and I just had to get out of it. So I go to a bookstore one day, and I come across this book on Buddhism. And it starts talking about the seven principles of Buddhism, the laws of happiness and all these types of things. I try to really, really practice these meditation techniques. But how can you just close your eyes and just try to get rid of all these thoughts, thinking, the breathing and thinking, focusing on all these things?
But it's not going away, because it's still creeping into you. You think that you just got to think positively. It's not working. And I'd picked up a Bible as well too, at this point. point. And I started reading Genesis and all those books as well too. So even though I'm reading it, I'm finding these flaws. But at the same time, it's not doing something to my heart. It's not, really. It's not taking me away from this depression that I'm feeling, this memory of this woman, that I keep thinking about this girl. Like, I can't get her out of my mind, bro. Like, she's literally on my mind 24/7. By this point, I've given up. I've given up. I've said, this is all mumbo jumbo.
All of this, all of this. Buddhism, someone wrote that. People just want to control everyone and religion is all fake. It's all that. That's where my mind is going. So, at this point, I'm in Pakistan right now. And all of a sudden, Ramadan is like a couple of days away. It's time for fasting to begin. And my mom comes to me. She says, "Look, Ramadan is about to start right now, and you're about to fast. But try to include the prayer in it, because Allah does not need you to starve yourself. He doesn't need that. Try to include a prayer and try to pray. Because if you really want to make effectiveness of this, pray." Now, I don't know how to pray.
My mom tells me this and it actually touches my heart a little bit. And I pray the way you pray. Like, however I thought that I had to pray while I'm fasting, this is the first of Ramadan now. And I download the Qur'an app on my phone. I don't even get the book. Everyone else... I went to bookstores, get this stuff. This one, I'm like, "Let me just download the app." And after Salah I just start reading it. Just the basics of it. Surah Al-Fatiha. At first, I just look at it. Just scrolling, "Well, a lot of chapters over here." All right. Gotta start somewhere. I start from Al-Fatiha, and I just read it, right? Just English. I don't know how to read Arabic. Just reading it. I'm reading it.
Reading it, okay, go to the next one. Surah Al-Baqarah. I'm reading it. I'm like, okay. Wow. 20 minutes have passed by. and I'm like, wait, hang on a second. I have not thought about this girl in the last 25 minutes. This is incredible. You have to understand, my brother. This was a revelation for me. I couldn't go maximum five minutes without this girl being back on my mind, distracting me from anything I was doing. I was like, hang on a second, this is good. And wallahi, I was using the Qur'an, Audhubillah, for my own benefit of just forgetting this girl and not thinking about her. I was using this to distract me from thinking about her. That's all I was using the Qur'an for.
The Qur'an was a means of distracting from me thinking about this girl. from thinking about my ex. I was using this to just not think about my ex. So, I would be reading it like I found the hack. I found it, I found the hack. Meanwhile, the Adhan would happen. You know, it would be time for Salah. I'd pray it however I'd think I need to pray, and I started getting excited. I would read the Qur'an. I would be like that. Why? Because every time I wasn't reading the Qur'an, my depression came back. My ex was back on my mind. She was in the front of my mind at all times, and I just started having those feelings again. I was like, no, I need to start reading the Qur'an.
So anyway, I'd be sitting down, people are talking and all that stuff. I'm not even listening to them. I'm just reading my Qur'an. Just reading it with the sole purpose of not thinking about her. The translation, right? The translation of the Qur'an. I was using the translation of the Qur'an just to forget about my ex. So I'm reading it, I'm reading it. But while I'm doing that, Allah (swt) is slowly opening my heart. Because I'm still reading it, right? I'm still a human being who has an intellect, who can understand a little bit, right? And whatever Allah wills for me to grasp from this translation, an English translation of the Qur'an.
I would find myself reading a verse and I would read this verse, and then I would just start thinking about it like, "Yo, what does He mean by this?" "What do they mean by this verse?" I'd just space out thinking, and I would just look at my phone. My phone is off. The wallpaper, the screen would go off. You know, like if you leave your phone out idle for too long. And I remember it would be on a 15 minute idle time. I would just be lost in my own thoughts, pondering about that verse for 15 minutes. By the time I look at my phone, my phone is black. I have to turn it back, put my password back in.
I was like, "Yo, this is some powerful stuff." At this point, I was realizing that if there was a book, that was from God, it has to be this one. But I wasn't fully convinced yet. So I would put it to the test. Audhubillah, but I would put it to test. I'd be like, "Okay, today to test it, I'm not going to read the Qur'an. I'm not going to pray. I'm gonna just chill out." I'm going to fast, obviously, but I'm going to just chill out. I'm not going to do any of that. My brother, I kid you not, wallahi I kid you not, within the ten minutes that I'm not engaged actively in this, I went to the shower. All those thoughts started coming back to me.
All that wave of depression, all things about this girl. All these things started coming back to my head. I turn off the shower, dry myself off and I got to read this book. This book is the key. This book is the key. And I'm just reading it, and it's just going more and more detailed. And I'm just thinking that Allah, God Almighty, revealed this book somehow. Maybe He struck it with lightning, like He did at the time of Musa (as) and gave the Ten Commandments. I don't know how, but the concept of a revelation coming to the Prophet Muhammad (saw), I didn't even understand that. I just thought God has this book and He's telling us stuff. And I'm reading it, it's affecting me.
And then I come across this verse, and this verse really made me question my entire... Just, how I'm carrying myself as a man. And the verse said that "Indeed, in the remembrance of Allah, do the hearts find ease." At that point I had to literally... I got chills. I turned off my phone. I said, "I have to turn this off." I don't know what that was. What was that? How did it know that? How did it get in my head like that? How did it know that this is where my heart was finding ease? How did it know that? I came to a conclusion at this point. Like, I don't know how it was revealed. I don't know the logistics of it. I don't know anything of it. But this is a word of God, hands down.
This is a word of God. So now, Ramadan is about to come to an end. My trip is coming to an end. And I have to go back to New York. I have to face all the realities again. There's no escapism. There's nothing like this. I've read so much from the Qur'an and now I'm seeing about all this al**ol stuff it's talking about, all this intoxication stuff it's talking about, all this zina stuff it's talking about. And I'm like, okay, hang on a second. Do you understand that I'm going to Pakistan for about a month and a half. All my friends are excited to see me back. Then, when I land, they're trying to get me drinks. They're trying to get me w**d.
They're trying to take me around women, they want a party. And now I'm thinking, I need to make some promises to myself, okay? First promise is this: when I get back, I'm not going to abandon this prayer. This prayer, I don't know what it is, but there's something powerful about this prayer. Next, I'm not going to abandon reading the Qur'an. The translation, I'm not going to abandon it. Because I've linked these two things together to help me forget about this girl and get me out of my depression. Allah, just help me. I don't know what I'm going to do. I go back, people are excited to see me. They want to take me out. They want to do all these types of things.
I go around and they're like, "Yo, we're gonna light you up." That means you're going to smoke. "I got you, bro. Come, come, come, come." I go there and they say, "Yo, take the shot." They pour it in for me. "All shots on 3. 1-2-3!" And I'm just like, "Yo. I can't." They go, "You didn't take your shot. You didn't touch your drink. You're babysitting your drink. Come on." "Are you babysitting your drink? Come on, drink up." I didn't know how to tell them. I felt like a loser. I felt lame. "Guys, I'm not drinking anymore." So, I didn't. I was just like, "I'm not feeling too well. Guys, no, my stomach. Bro, I just got off a flight. I don't know what it is." Okay.
Second time I hang out with them. Yo! Let's smoke. Let's do this. Let's do this, you know? Guys, I'm still not feeling it, you know, and all that sort of stuff. All right, cool. Third time, they stop inviting me. They just stopped inviting me. I started looking bad. He's boring. But I had another friend, and I just confessed to him. I remember, I was in the car. I said, "Bro..." He asked me. The other ones didn't. He asked me. He's like, "Bro, I'm noticing you're not drinking anymore. You know, the women, you're not doing what you used to do before. Like, everything okay with you? Everything okay?" I was like, "Bro, I've been looking into Islam.
I've been reading the Qur'an, and I just don't think it's right anymore for me." He's like, "Really?" And I thought that this was going to be the most embarrassing thing ever. But I was shocked to see he was impressed. But who knows that when you share this with them, they start considering this, too. What is this giving me? Like, what is... I've realized that all this haram costs money. You're earning the displeasure of Allah to displease Allah. You're paying money, not just earning hellfire, but the drinks cost money. The women cost money. Dr*gs cost money. The vape cost money. But dua is free. Salah is free, right? The Hajj is free, reading Qur'an is free. The dhikr is free.
Come on, come on. We're paying for the haram. Paying for all these things, while Allah (swt) has made the solution absolutely free. You know what? He's still my friend. He's like, "Look, we can still go out, you know, you just be the wing man. You just be our designated driver and we all just have a good time. And we don't got to worry, because we know you are right and you're good." I'm like, all right, cool. What am I going to do sitting at home? So I'd go to these places now. Now I'm going to these bars and these clubs. But now I'm not intoxicated anymore. This time I'm not doing any of that. I'm going to these bars, I'm going to these clubs.
Audhubillah, and I'm not intoxicated this time. Rather, I'm the designated driver. And I'm looking at all these people and they all look like a mess. They all look hypnotized. They all looked like they're possessed. They all looked like they're all trying to be like each other. And they all come in the same direction over here. And I realized I don't even want to be here. Like, this is terrible. And now, I just step out. I said, "Bro, you do your thing, I'm going to just wait outside, I just don't..." Allah has taken it out of my heart that I don't even want to be there anymore. So I'm sitting on the edges of the bar. This woman comes and sits next to me. She's there.
And she has this full conversation with me. She's just talking to me, and I can't just help but tell her about Islam. I tell her about... I said, "I've been reading about this thing and it's about the Day of Judgment, and there's a Paradise after this. And then when we die, you get to go to Heaven, you know, you could get out of these things. And it's a beautiful thing. And there's a Creator and He's only one. And you return back to Him, and He blesses you in this life, and He tests you." And all these things like that, and how all of this is just all causing us to forget our true calling and our true nature. It's lowering our frequency.
It's causing us to not be the best versions of ourselves. And the next thing you know, she starts crying. This woman at a bar, outside the bar. She starts crying. She's like, "This is beautiful." I said, "Right?" She said, "Let me ask you a question." I've been talking this whole time, just chatting about Islam the whole time. "Let me ask you something." I said, "Go ahead." She said, "You believe in this. True?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "What are you doing here?" You know what I told her? I don't know. I just said, "I don't know." She said, "You don't belong here." You don't belong here. And that was the last time I went to the bar.
And I realized that Allah put it in my heart that this isn't your spot. I just wanted to go home and read the Qur'an. That's all I wanted to do. Read the translation of the Qur'an, continue, and just move on from this woman. It was when these moments started happening I realized that, you know what, man? This life of mine deserves and requires a different change. If I want to be on this path, I need to be around people who are thinking similarly to me and want to achieve this path as well. I didn't know it existed until I started going to the masjid and started meeting people who thought similar to me, and how they believed in this stuff too. I'm like, yo, this is perfect.
These are the types of people want to be around. So in a very long nutshell, in a big nutshell, this was sort of my story on how, Alhamdulillah, Allah brought Islam in my heart and in my life and Allah (swt) pulled me out of this. And may Allah (swt) keep me on the straight path, because it's so easy to slip back into these things and getting back into the drinks and back into the smoking and back into the women. And anyone who's listening to this right now, keep away from those types of friends and those environments. Because for us, living that jahiliyyah lifestyle, it's like riding a bike. We can go back on it so quickly.
We need to change our environments, make the hijrah from those types of people. The same way the person who killed the 99 people, right? Then he killed 100 person, and then he goes and asks advice from a scholar. The scholar said "Allah will forgive you, but you need to make hijrah." Get away from this. Start a brand new life. Start over for people who don't know your past, who can't keep bringing it up. Yo! What happened bro? You stopped drinking. You stopped smoking. No, no, no, no. Come one more time, bro. One more time for me, for me, for me. One more time, bro. One shot for me. You need to be away from this life. That's the only way you can truly get away from it. Start fresh.
Change your intentions. Make a connection with Allah (swt). Make some promises with yourself and turn back to Allah (swt). And wallahi, it will be difficult, but Allah will make it easy, Inshallah. So what became the purpose of your life then? So then you started giving strict dawah. And can you tell us about those days as well? It's like, you have something that you love and adore. And you just can't stop talking about it, right? It's natural that when we love something, we research about it. It's in our fitrah that when we care about something, we learn about it. We learn the depths and the details and the ins and outs of it because we love it.
When I started learning about Islam, I just... Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Mashallah. By Allah's permission, He just put this love in my heart. I just started loving it because I know how practical it was and how effective it was. Because personally, Islam pulled me out of my depression. It pulled me out of it. The translation of the Qur'an, reading the Qur'an. It pulled me out of my depression. I know how powerful it is firsthand. And I know how many people are depressed, secretly, unknowingly that need this medicine. They need this remedy. And if Allah can just use me to provide this to the whole world, man, isn't this the purpose of your life?
Then if it is, then Allah use me, continue your favor upon me. And use me to spread this deen and allow it to enter every single household. How many years has it been until this awakening? I think it's going on 12 years now. Alhamdulillah. I'm still a baby. I'm still a 12 year old. I'm a little child still. But yeah, I'd say 12 years. Look, there's ups and downs. It's still ups and downs today. But Alhamdulillah, we're on the deen, we're on the tawheed and that's what matters the most. You're still going to slip. You're still going to mess up. It's not easy to leave years of jahiliyyah over one night. You're gonna slip, you're gonna be tested. But Allah (swt) is Rahim.
Allah (swt) will forgive you. So anyone who's going through this jahiliyyah phase and getting out of it, you might slip, but Allah will forgive you. Shaitan will convince you that He won't. Shaitan will thank you, it's over for you. Bro, you're a hypocrite. You're munafiq. But no. Allah (swt) loves the sinner who repents. So repent back to Allah. He'll take care of it for you. Thank you so much for sharing your story sincerely. We learned a lot from you. We really got inspired from your story. May Allah reward you for all the work you have done for this Ummah. You're welcome, thank you so much and thank you everyone for watching. May Allah bless you all. May Allah (swt) increase you all.
And may Allah (swt) reward this channel because I absolutely love it. Make sure you subscribe to this channel.