“I Was Struggling to Stay Alive” - Ex-Sikh’s Brave Journey to Islam! - Towards Eternity
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Sometimes I think to myself, why am I still Muslim, you know? Because sometimes you go through so many tests. There were times where I wanted to hit my head against the wall just so I could sleep. I went through a divorce. It was very, very horrible, very difficult. And honestly, on camera, I'll say to you, there were times where I wanted to harm myself. I remember being in my bathroom, and I was looking at my face, and I hated it, and I wanted to harm myself. Every point of my life was difficult without my family because I was very close to them, and I loved them a lot. This always happens. How long am I going to do this? How long will I look to other people to rescue me?
When Allah says Himself, "Come to me, come to me. Remember me, I will remember you." Assalamualaikum Sister Haniya Adam. Thank you for accepting our invitation. We are very happy to have you with us. I want to start with who is Haniya Adam? Can you tell us briefly about your life? Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. So I'm a mom of three. Alhamdulillah. I grew up as a Sikh. My parents are Indian, born and raised in the UK. Amazing childhood. Alhamdulillah, very loving parents. But I became Muslim at the age of, I think, 24, 25. A big shock to my family, big shock. And Alhamdulillah working at Green Lane Masjid and any Muslim organization really that I can support.
How was your life in regards to faith? What were you believing in? When I grew up, my parents taught us the Sikh faith, which I have to admit I really like. I remember visiting like the Golden Temple, Amritsar, loving it. I remember visiting, like, Hemkund Sahib where it's like actually more of a Hindu ashram. And I did actually really enjoy it. I remember from a young age I always felt there was a need for God in my life. I felt happier and content when I used to go to these places. So I would say, you know, growing up Alhamdulillah, my parents did install faith in me. They gave me really good morals, ethics, you know, working hard, educating, being honest.
They, you know, brought me up really well. And I think by the time I got to university, I was living more of a secular lifestyle. So I wasn't practicing a religion, so to speak. So there was a spiritual side, but I wasn't practicing any religion. You know, I would, to be honest with you... You know, drinking alcohol wasn't a problem. Wearing whatever I wanted to wear, it wasn't an issue, it was just normal. There was nothing wrong with it. It's just a normal lifestyle. So that's, before I became Muslim, that's the type of life that I was living. How did you first hear about Islam? Did you have any prejudices? I did, maybe I was slightly Islamophobic.
I thought that, you know, there was a lot going on. Iraq and so on. I think I used to get scared if I heard the words "Allahu Akbar". It used to scare me. I used to think that Muslim men are all, you know, very strict. You know, beat their wives and all sorts of stuff. And, you know, there was always the issue of Aisha (ra) and her age. There were so many stereotypes. I used to think Muslim women are suppressed. Why do they have to wear a hijab? It's not right. I had lots of issues. How did your journey towards Islam begin? What impressed you the most about Islam?
Funnily enough, with all the stereotypes that I had of Muslim women, the first thing that I looked into in Islam was women in Islam. So I listened to so many talks, read a lot on the internet. There's a book called "The Great Women of Islam" by Darussalam, which is absolutely incredible. In my head, women were oppressed. Then I started reading into Islam and I realized, no, it's society that's oppressing women. And Islam is very advanced. In fact, it's so advanced that I think we're still struggling to catch up with it now as a society. And Inshallah it will come back stronger.
Because now, with all the issues we're having with gender roles and and identity, I think Islam has all the answers to that. And maybe it's time we caught up, because Islam liberates women in so many ways. It puts women up here, actually. If, you know, society understands that, they will realize like I did, that Subhanallah, Islam, you know, gives women so many rights. Rights that, you know, we never had before in this country, in the Muslim countries. The Prophet Muhammad (saw) taught us how to respect women. You know, that's through giving us, like I said, you know, the dowry just as an example. The woman had to give money to the man. Now the man gives the dowry to the woman.
That's like a big thing, for the people that used to, you know, get upset when they gave birth to a daughter. You know, so much that they would kill her. The Prophet Muhammad (saw) would say that, you know, "If you raise a daughter, if you raise daughters, you know, you're given Jannah. You know you'll be like this with me in Jannah." And then, you know, like the smallest of things. If a woman is fighting with you, she's arguing with, she's shouting at you, stay quiet. That's what He did. He stayed quiet. Umar bin Khattab learnt. He was like, you know, he would like, argue back with his women, but he learnt, you know, stay quiet. It's okay. Let them be emotional.
Allowing women to have their emotions, you know? Subhanallah, which deen teaches you that? There's so many examples I can give, but I think your recording will take forever. So you were impressed with the status of women in Islam. And what else? When I was at university, I can honestly tell you that I was living a life where I had a lot of freedom.
That meant that, you know, when you have that much freedom and you're going out, you're clubbing, you're dancing, you're drinking, you're doing all these things, and it's almost like you're looking for that next moment of happiness, or you're looking for that validation from the next person to say that, "Oh, you look nice," or you know, "I do love you," or you know, where you're constantly looking at other people all the time as a female to give you that validation. Whereas I found in Islam, you don't have to do that. It doesn't come from other people. The Prophet Muhammad (saw) taught us that our acceptance is by Allah (swt) first.
And when you learn to love Allah and the Prophet Muhammad (saw), you feel that contentment. You don't need to rely on another man, so to speak, to give you that. If you have that, it's a blessing from Allah and you are together like this, not like this. You're together like this. Allah (swt) said in the Quran that He's created men and women equal but different. And it's incredible. And for me, it taught me that when Allah (swt) tells you, you know, "Cover up as a woman, put your hijab on," it's because we're created differently.
I might have the urge to look great, look beautiful, but Allah has created the man different, where he's going to look at you and think, "Oh, you know, I can approach her." "I can do this, or I can say this." So Allah says, "You know what? Protect yourself." "Cover yourself up." But that desire is still in the man. Because when it becomes halal, you will enjoy it. Because if you didn't have it, you'd complain. What is the main thing that convinced you that Islam is 100% the truth? What is the main thing that convinced you that Islam is 100% the truth? Going into Green Lane Masjid.
I remember the moment I first walked into a masjid and I saw sisters that were covered head to toe in black, really flowing. And, it's funny we talk about Harry Potter, but they reminded me of the Harry Potter scene, in Hogwarts where they're all, like, in their robes. And that was the first thing that I thought. And then I thought, wow, like, they've chosen to be like that. I want to feel confident like that because I'm walking around in my mini skirt. I want to know what it feels like to walk around like that. It wasn't just that, they were very welcoming, and very loving, very kind, very supportive. And, you know, you don't know...
Sometimes we do make it difficult for ourselves, when we don't communicate with other people. I'd never spoken to Muslim women that wore niqab. In fact, I hadn't really spoken to any Muslim women. So it was my first encounter. Just the fact that they smile. We're so prejudiced. We have so many stereotypes. We think that women in niqab don't smile. And then there was all these women and they're smiling, they're laughing, they're joking. And I thought, you know, they're normal, they're human, they're not just these black floating figures. They're human and they're great women. How did you take your Shahada and how did you feel? So my next visit to that masjid was when I took my Shahada. Yeah.
Alhamdulillah. And there was about 60, 70 people there. And the closest people to me at that time that took my Shahada are still the closest people to me now, Alhamdulillah. So taking my Shahada was amazing. I remember shaking a lot, but it felt good. It felt really good. I remember doing the ghusl of, you know, taking the Shahada, and I literally felt this is a new life for me. It's a new start, you know, knowing that Allah (swt) wipes everything clean, but then still gives you the reward of the good that you did. It felt really good, and I was ready to take on that identity of a Muslim woman. So I just started reading, reading, reading, and...
How did your family and the people around you reacted to your conversion, reversion to Islam? It was extremely, extremely difficult. But in that difficulty was the ease at the same time. I didn't recognize it, because they completely cut me off. I had no choice but to rely on Allah because my marriage as a result became very difficult as well. Having children on my own was a difficulty in itself. Every point of my life was difficult without my family because I was very close to them, and I love them a lot.
There were times where I wanted to hit my head against the wall just so I could sleep, because when you're that hurt, you can't switch off and you play things in your head over and over again. Everything that I looked at, I saw my mom and dad first, my family, everything. If I went to the supermarket, I would remember going to the supermarket with my dad on the weekends and doing grocery shopping. If I heard like a song in Asda. I remember dancing with my sister to that song. You know, if I saw, like, you know, a program on TV, I remember watching it with my brother. Everything. If I had like difficulty in my marriage, I wanted to run to my family, I couldn't.
I would literally go and sit in the car outside, on my own. So it was really, really hard, very difficult to live a life without your family. It's very hard. It's still hard now. As Muslims, we understand, and we understand the stories of the companions that also had to do the same to their family and leave their family. We understand that the Prophet Muhammad (saw) had to tell His uncles that "Look, you know, I'm going to live a different way." What we learn is that they are human and they're entitled to their feelings. And now I don't hold anything against them. If anything, I would say to you, my mother is still my role model.
She's still the person that I love more than anyone else in this world. Just as the Prophet Muhammad (saw) loved His uncle who was not Muslim, and cried for His uncle and did everything for him. I feel the same for my mom. She is an amazing woman. She's entitled to her feelings. I did hurt her and I will apologize till the day I die to my mom for hurting her. So instead I make dua for them. I love them a lot. And I can tell you they are good humans. My regret is that I caused tears, my parents' tears. I think there are moments where I was trying to defend Islam and try to defend my decision, and I probably spoke over my mom, and maybe I was shouting at one point, and that, I regret.
Because Allah (swt) says in the Quran, you know, "You treat your parents with the utmost respect, whether they're Muslim or not Muslim." Sometimes I think to myself, why am I still Muslim, you know? Because sometimes you go through so many tests. Like I said, there's always that thought in my mind that, you know, my family is there. They're an hour away from me. Why am I still living like this? When I'm struggling on my own, when I'm, like, struggling with the kids or financially or whatever. Why am I still here? And that, I think, is what keeps me going. Because, just as an example, I went through a divorce. It was very, very horrible, very difficult.
And in that time I was alone, and I was very, I'll be honest with you, I was struggling to stay alive. I didn't know if I wanted to be alive. There were so many issues that I was dealing with at that time. And at that time I went to see my auntie. I didn't plan it. It just sort of happened. I just turned up at her doorstep. And for the first time in ten years, someone from my family showed me love. She was amazing. She made me tea. She sat with me and she said, "Are you alright?" Just that. "Are you okay?" This always happens. That's my auntie. That was the first time family member asked me, "Are you okay?" And she said, "What are you going to do? Have you got a plan?" Because I had nothing.
All I had was my three children and by Allah, I didn't want to leave her house. And I sat there and I thought, "Oh gosh, what if I just hide my Islam? Have my Islam just in my heart?" But what if I just come back home? Because they love me and I wanted to stay. I didn't want to leave her house. I wanted to stay in her house. I wanted to give up everything. Not my deen. I thought I could hide that. I'll just pray upstairs when no one was looking. And I wanted to go back home. Qadrallah, my grandma, who hadn't seen me in ten years, very, very elderly. She came out from the room and she would have seen me.
And my auntie said to me, "Go quickly, run out the house, because if she sees you..." "She's very elderly, we don't know what's going to happen." And she forced me to run out the house, back door, back gate, run. And I had to run out the house. There was no goodbye, nothing. I ran out the house. I got into my car. My first reaction was, I need to phone someone because I just want to stay at home now. I want to go back to my family. I've got nothing. I've got nobody. The first thing I did was I rang the most pious, like, friend that I have. And she didn't answer.
Because I needed her to tell me, "No, honey, it's okay, it's okay." And I rang a second friend, because her Quran recitation is beautiful and I felt like I needed to hear Quran. She didn't answer. And then I thought, how long am I going to do this? How long will I look to other people to rescue me? When Allah says Himself, "Come to me, come to me. Remember me, I will remember you." Your connection with Allah is direct. And so I sat in the car and I read Ayat Al-Kursi. I read the 3 Quls. And I begged Allah, just keep me in the deen. I begged Allah (swt) in that moment, keep me in the deen, keep me in the deen. Whatever happens to me doesn't matter. Just let me die Muslim. And so I did that.
And I think that was, again, another pivotal moment where I knew, yes, I'm Muslim. Because the shaitan will come to you so many times and question your... Make you question your Islam. Am I Muslim? Who am I Muslim for? Why am I Muslim? What do I even like about Islam? The shaitan will come to you when you're really weak and low. Shaitan comes to you. And so all the 9, 10 years I had of just learning the deen came back to me in that moment. So this is one of the things that I say to children who don't understand. They don't feel the spiritual side of Islam because they're young and life's great.
I say to them, still learn, because you don't know the moment you're going to drop or everything that you learnt, and you didn't know why you were learning, is going to come back to you and it's going to rescue you, it's going to save your life. So when your mom tells you "Go to madrasa," when your mom tells you, "Go on, go to your Islamic studies lesson, go." And for reverts, learn. You can't just become Muslims. "Oh, I believe in Allah." No. Go and learn. Study the deen, study it hard. Study it every day, even if it's a little bit. Because when you drop, the shaitan is going to come to you and try and take you away.
And then all of your learning, all of a sudden it's going to hit you and it's going to save you. And it saved me that day. There are other examples I can say to you and honestly on camera, I'll say to you, there were times where I wanted to harm myself. An example, I remember being in my bathroom and I was looking at my face, and I hated it, and I wanted to harm myself. Worst thing to be in the bathroom because you can't even say auzubillah minashaitan nirajeem in the bathroom. Never go into the bathroom when you're feeling down. But anyway. And then I heard a voice, like in my head saying, "Look out the window!" And looked out the window, and I saw the sky. And I ran downstairs.
And I opened my doors. And I went into the garden, and I looked up at the sky, and I looked up at the heavens, because I remember the ayat in the Quran... I think it's in the Quran. Or it could be a hadith. Allah (swt) says that "For those who believe, they just have to look up at the sky, and it's a sign for them." And I dropped on my knees and begged Allah, "Ya Allah, keep me in the deen." This is freedom. This is contentment. Where you don't need to rely on anyone else. You don't need anybody else. You need Allah (swt) in your life. And that's what I did. And so I haven't harmed myself because I have Allah.
So among the moments of your 14 year of life of Muslim, what was the moment that you needed your family the most, that you, you know, but you couldn't have them? Difficulty in the marriage. I'd needed my dad. I needed his protection. I needed his security. Every woman needs at least a brother, like I needed, like, my brother in that time. That's what I missed the most. The security, the protection of a mahram at every point in your life. Look, this thing, like... "Oh, women, we don't need men." Come on. Of course you do. When you lose the men in your life, then you'll realize, yeah, I do need a man in my life. My mom, missed her the most when I was having my children.
I missed her, actually, when I started working as well, because my mom is like... She's a power woman. I wanted to learn from her, but Alhamdulillah I have really good memories and I spent a lot of time with my mom when she became that power woman. So Alhamdulillah, I still have her teachings. I still live a lot by the teachings of my parents because it's not against Islam, so why not? I think for every revert out there, I think it's important to acknowledge that you can love your family. The Prophet Mohammad (saw) loved His uncle. For me, I would say to my parents that I love you, I respect you. I'm still a part of you. Your blood is in me. Your teachings are still in me.
I haven't rejected everything you taught me. That's impossible. You are my role models. You are everything to me. And I would do anything to sit with you again. To be with you again. The only thing I can't do is put you before Allah. So have you ever experienced an extraordinary event where you felt that you had a special connection with Allah? I think I explained so many difficulties in my life. Please let me tell you the blessings that Allah has given me. Alhamdulillah. Look, there's... I'll describe two moments. There was a time when I was really struggling, okay? There's so many times I've struggled. Subhanallah.
You know, someone said to me, "Look, when you're struggling, go to your children when they're sleeping and just watch them sleep." And I did that. So this was at a time again when I was just ready to give up in life. Where I was, you know, self-hating and thinking that I was a burden on people. Anyway. And I went to my daughter's room first, and she was about 11 by then, but she still, when she sleeps, she still looks like my five year old. Subhanallah. You know, my daughter. This is my daughter. Allah (swt) has given me a daughter. Allah (swt) put a soul in this dunya through me. And I went to my boys' room, and, you know, they were fast asleep.
And I thought to myself again, the ayat from Surah Mulk. "Little thanks do they give." I thought, how am I complaining? How am I self-hating when Allah (swt) has given me such a blessing, my three children. And in that moment I felt so close to Allah because I appreciated Him. Because I gave shukr to Him and that made me feel closer to Him. What impressed you the most about our Prophet (saw)? His character, always His character. Always His character, His treatment of women first. His treatment of women when He didn't want to speak to the man who doesn't kiss his daughter. The fact that He would allow His wives to have emotions, to have feelings and deal with it in the best way.
The fact that He didn't go to the companion's dinner because he didn't invite His wife Aisha. Everything, His gentleness, His justice when dealing with His wives, His, you know, softness at home and then His strength on the battlefield. You know, His vulnerability when He was in Taif, when He went for help. And instead, look what happened to Him. The fact that He can cry. Men, now, they think, you know, "We can't cry. We've got to be these big..." No, He cried. You know, we talk about gender and what's a man, what's a woman. You know, look at the Prophet Muhammad (saw). You know, right now I'm reading His Seerah by Yasir Qadhi and every paragraph, I'm learning something.
What an incredible book. I tell everyone to read it. Everything you know, from the point on His deathbed, Aisha (ra)'s complaining about her headache, she's complaining about her headache, and He makes a joke and says, "No, but what about my headache? I'm dying, you know?" And Subhanallah, it's... It's everything He went through, so that we could be better people and get to Jannah. It's all His sacrifices with His family, with His wealth, all the tests He went through. For what? For us. What was your purpose in your life before Islam, and what is it after Islam? Gosh, my purpose is to go home. I want to go home to Allah. Go home. I just want to go home.
And I want Allah (swt) to give me my family when I'm there. And that's my whole purpose. Ya Allah, give me my family. It's just dunya. That's what I tell myself all the time. It's just dunya. It's just dunya. You're not in it forever. Just want to go home. Lastly, what would you like to say to people who are watching you, whose hearts are getting closer to Islam, but afraid of the reactions of their relatives or close circle? Have your end goal in mind. Your end goal is... Even if you've got an atom's worth of iman, even if you feel it a little bit, your end goal is to reach Paradise. If you genuinely believe that, you know, that there's a God, I'd say first thing to do is educate yourself.
Hold on to that tiny bit that you've got and learn. Don't let the shaitan come and take that little bit you have and take it away, because he will try so hard in the early stages. The shaitan will come to you so heavily to try and pull you back. So learn, educate yourself. Have goals for yourself. See your target in your head. And I will tell you I had, like, voices in my head. Sometimes I'm having conversations in my head where there's the negative voice and then there's a good voice, and sometimes that's what you have to do. You've got to say it out loud, you know?
"Ya Allah, I need your help." "Guide me on the Sirat al-Mustaqim." If you're, you know, you have questions, "Should I, should I not, because of my family's reaction?" Know that you're going to die alone. You know your family's not going to be there for you when you're raised on the Day of Judgment. If you're not at the point of believing in the Day of Judgment, because some people aren't, yeah? Then think to yourself, what benefit am I having in this world from my family? What benefit am I having from, you know, spirituality, believing in God? I would say at that point the most important thing is to learn. Just keep learning because you'll get there.
And have sincere intention in your heart that you want to get there. Allah says, "Take a step to me, don't stand still." If you're thinking about being Muslim, take one more step forward and Allah will come running to you.
When Allah says Himself, "Come to me, come to me. Remember me, I will remember you." Assalamualaikum Sister Haniya Adam. Thank you for accepting our invitation. We are very happy to have you with us. I want to start with who is Haniya Adam? Can you tell us briefly about your life? Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. So I'm a mom of three. Alhamdulillah. I grew up as a Sikh. My parents are Indian, born and raised in the UK. Amazing childhood. Alhamdulillah, very loving parents. But I became Muslim at the age of, I think, 24, 25. A big shock to my family, big shock. And Alhamdulillah working at Green Lane Masjid and any Muslim organization really that I can support.
How was your life in regards to faith? What were you believing in? When I grew up, my parents taught us the Sikh faith, which I have to admit I really like. I remember visiting like the Golden Temple, Amritsar, loving it. I remember visiting, like, Hemkund Sahib where it's like actually more of a Hindu ashram. And I did actually really enjoy it. I remember from a young age I always felt there was a need for God in my life. I felt happier and content when I used to go to these places. So I would say, you know, growing up Alhamdulillah, my parents did install faith in me. They gave me really good morals, ethics, you know, working hard, educating, being honest.
They, you know, brought me up really well. And I think by the time I got to university, I was living more of a secular lifestyle. So I wasn't practicing a religion, so to speak. So there was a spiritual side, but I wasn't practicing any religion. You know, I would, to be honest with you... You know, drinking alcohol wasn't a problem. Wearing whatever I wanted to wear, it wasn't an issue, it was just normal. There was nothing wrong with it. It's just a normal lifestyle. So that's, before I became Muslim, that's the type of life that I was living. How did you first hear about Islam? Did you have any prejudices? I did, maybe I was slightly Islamophobic.
I thought that, you know, there was a lot going on. Iraq and so on. I think I used to get scared if I heard the words "Allahu Akbar". It used to scare me. I used to think that Muslim men are all, you know, very strict. You know, beat their wives and all sorts of stuff. And, you know, there was always the issue of Aisha (ra) and her age. There were so many stereotypes. I used to think Muslim women are suppressed. Why do they have to wear a hijab? It's not right. I had lots of issues. How did your journey towards Islam begin? What impressed you the most about Islam?
Funnily enough, with all the stereotypes that I had of Muslim women, the first thing that I looked into in Islam was women in Islam. So I listened to so many talks, read a lot on the internet. There's a book called "The Great Women of Islam" by Darussalam, which is absolutely incredible. In my head, women were oppressed. Then I started reading into Islam and I realized, no, it's society that's oppressing women. And Islam is very advanced. In fact, it's so advanced that I think we're still struggling to catch up with it now as a society. And Inshallah it will come back stronger.
Because now, with all the issues we're having with gender roles and and identity, I think Islam has all the answers to that. And maybe it's time we caught up, because Islam liberates women in so many ways. It puts women up here, actually. If, you know, society understands that, they will realize like I did, that Subhanallah, Islam, you know, gives women so many rights. Rights that, you know, we never had before in this country, in the Muslim countries. The Prophet Muhammad (saw) taught us how to respect women. You know, that's through giving us, like I said, you know, the dowry just as an example. The woman had to give money to the man. Now the man gives the dowry to the woman.
That's like a big thing, for the people that used to, you know, get upset when they gave birth to a daughter. You know, so much that they would kill her. The Prophet Muhammad (saw) would say that, you know, "If you raise a daughter, if you raise daughters, you know, you're given Jannah. You know you'll be like this with me in Jannah." And then, you know, like the smallest of things. If a woman is fighting with you, she's arguing with, she's shouting at you, stay quiet. That's what He did. He stayed quiet. Umar bin Khattab learnt. He was like, you know, he would like, argue back with his women, but he learnt, you know, stay quiet. It's okay. Let them be emotional.
Allowing women to have their emotions, you know? Subhanallah, which deen teaches you that? There's so many examples I can give, but I think your recording will take forever. So you were impressed with the status of women in Islam. And what else? When I was at university, I can honestly tell you that I was living a life where I had a lot of freedom.
That meant that, you know, when you have that much freedom and you're going out, you're clubbing, you're dancing, you're drinking, you're doing all these things, and it's almost like you're looking for that next moment of happiness, or you're looking for that validation from the next person to say that, "Oh, you look nice," or you know, "I do love you," or you know, where you're constantly looking at other people all the time as a female to give you that validation. Whereas I found in Islam, you don't have to do that. It doesn't come from other people. The Prophet Muhammad (saw) taught us that our acceptance is by Allah (swt) first.
And when you learn to love Allah and the Prophet Muhammad (saw), you feel that contentment. You don't need to rely on another man, so to speak, to give you that. If you have that, it's a blessing from Allah and you are together like this, not like this. You're together like this. Allah (swt) said in the Quran that He's created men and women equal but different. And it's incredible. And for me, it taught me that when Allah (swt) tells you, you know, "Cover up as a woman, put your hijab on," it's because we're created differently.
I might have the urge to look great, look beautiful, but Allah has created the man different, where he's going to look at you and think, "Oh, you know, I can approach her." "I can do this, or I can say this." So Allah says, "You know what? Protect yourself." "Cover yourself up." But that desire is still in the man. Because when it becomes halal, you will enjoy it. Because if you didn't have it, you'd complain. What is the main thing that convinced you that Islam is 100% the truth? What is the main thing that convinced you that Islam is 100% the truth? Going into Green Lane Masjid.
I remember the moment I first walked into a masjid and I saw sisters that were covered head to toe in black, really flowing. And, it's funny we talk about Harry Potter, but they reminded me of the Harry Potter scene, in Hogwarts where they're all, like, in their robes. And that was the first thing that I thought. And then I thought, wow, like, they've chosen to be like that. I want to feel confident like that because I'm walking around in my mini skirt. I want to know what it feels like to walk around like that. It wasn't just that, they were very welcoming, and very loving, very kind, very supportive. And, you know, you don't know...
Sometimes we do make it difficult for ourselves, when we don't communicate with other people. I'd never spoken to Muslim women that wore niqab. In fact, I hadn't really spoken to any Muslim women. So it was my first encounter. Just the fact that they smile. We're so prejudiced. We have so many stereotypes. We think that women in niqab don't smile. And then there was all these women and they're smiling, they're laughing, they're joking. And I thought, you know, they're normal, they're human, they're not just these black floating figures. They're human and they're great women. How did you take your Shahada and how did you feel? So my next visit to that masjid was when I took my Shahada. Yeah.
Alhamdulillah. And there was about 60, 70 people there. And the closest people to me at that time that took my Shahada are still the closest people to me now, Alhamdulillah. So taking my Shahada was amazing. I remember shaking a lot, but it felt good. It felt really good. I remember doing the ghusl of, you know, taking the Shahada, and I literally felt this is a new life for me. It's a new start, you know, knowing that Allah (swt) wipes everything clean, but then still gives you the reward of the good that you did. It felt really good, and I was ready to take on that identity of a Muslim woman. So I just started reading, reading, reading, and...
How did your family and the people around you reacted to your conversion, reversion to Islam? It was extremely, extremely difficult. But in that difficulty was the ease at the same time. I didn't recognize it, because they completely cut me off. I had no choice but to rely on Allah because my marriage as a result became very difficult as well. Having children on my own was a difficulty in itself. Every point of my life was difficult without my family because I was very close to them, and I love them a lot.
There were times where I wanted to hit my head against the wall just so I could sleep, because when you're that hurt, you can't switch off and you play things in your head over and over again. Everything that I looked at, I saw my mom and dad first, my family, everything. If I went to the supermarket, I would remember going to the supermarket with my dad on the weekends and doing grocery shopping. If I heard like a song in Asda. I remember dancing with my sister to that song. You know, if I saw, like, you know, a program on TV, I remember watching it with my brother. Everything. If I had like difficulty in my marriage, I wanted to run to my family, I couldn't.
I would literally go and sit in the car outside, on my own. So it was really, really hard, very difficult to live a life without your family. It's very hard. It's still hard now. As Muslims, we understand, and we understand the stories of the companions that also had to do the same to their family and leave their family. We understand that the Prophet Muhammad (saw) had to tell His uncles that "Look, you know, I'm going to live a different way." What we learn is that they are human and they're entitled to their feelings. And now I don't hold anything against them. If anything, I would say to you, my mother is still my role model.
She's still the person that I love more than anyone else in this world. Just as the Prophet Muhammad (saw) loved His uncle who was not Muslim, and cried for His uncle and did everything for him. I feel the same for my mom. She is an amazing woman. She's entitled to her feelings. I did hurt her and I will apologize till the day I die to my mom for hurting her. So instead I make dua for them. I love them a lot. And I can tell you they are good humans. My regret is that I caused tears, my parents' tears. I think there are moments where I was trying to defend Islam and try to defend my decision, and I probably spoke over my mom, and maybe I was shouting at one point, and that, I regret.
Because Allah (swt) says in the Quran, you know, "You treat your parents with the utmost respect, whether they're Muslim or not Muslim." Sometimes I think to myself, why am I still Muslim, you know? Because sometimes you go through so many tests. Like I said, there's always that thought in my mind that, you know, my family is there. They're an hour away from me. Why am I still living like this? When I'm struggling on my own, when I'm, like, struggling with the kids or financially or whatever. Why am I still here? And that, I think, is what keeps me going. Because, just as an example, I went through a divorce. It was very, very horrible, very difficult.
And in that time I was alone, and I was very, I'll be honest with you, I was struggling to stay alive. I didn't know if I wanted to be alive. There were so many issues that I was dealing with at that time. And at that time I went to see my auntie. I didn't plan it. It just sort of happened. I just turned up at her doorstep. And for the first time in ten years, someone from my family showed me love. She was amazing. She made me tea. She sat with me and she said, "Are you alright?" Just that. "Are you okay?" This always happens. That's my auntie. That was the first time family member asked me, "Are you okay?" And she said, "What are you going to do? Have you got a plan?" Because I had nothing.
All I had was my three children and by Allah, I didn't want to leave her house. And I sat there and I thought, "Oh gosh, what if I just hide my Islam? Have my Islam just in my heart?" But what if I just come back home? Because they love me and I wanted to stay. I didn't want to leave her house. I wanted to stay in her house. I wanted to give up everything. Not my deen. I thought I could hide that. I'll just pray upstairs when no one was looking. And I wanted to go back home. Qadrallah, my grandma, who hadn't seen me in ten years, very, very elderly. She came out from the room and she would have seen me.
And my auntie said to me, "Go quickly, run out the house, because if she sees you..." "She's very elderly, we don't know what's going to happen." And she forced me to run out the house, back door, back gate, run. And I had to run out the house. There was no goodbye, nothing. I ran out the house. I got into my car. My first reaction was, I need to phone someone because I just want to stay at home now. I want to go back to my family. I've got nothing. I've got nobody. The first thing I did was I rang the most pious, like, friend that I have. And she didn't answer.
Because I needed her to tell me, "No, honey, it's okay, it's okay." And I rang a second friend, because her Quran recitation is beautiful and I felt like I needed to hear Quran. She didn't answer. And then I thought, how long am I going to do this? How long will I look to other people to rescue me? When Allah says Himself, "Come to me, come to me. Remember me, I will remember you." Your connection with Allah is direct. And so I sat in the car and I read Ayat Al-Kursi. I read the 3 Quls. And I begged Allah, just keep me in the deen. I begged Allah (swt) in that moment, keep me in the deen, keep me in the deen. Whatever happens to me doesn't matter. Just let me die Muslim. And so I did that.
And I think that was, again, another pivotal moment where I knew, yes, I'm Muslim. Because the shaitan will come to you so many times and question your... Make you question your Islam. Am I Muslim? Who am I Muslim for? Why am I Muslim? What do I even like about Islam? The shaitan will come to you when you're really weak and low. Shaitan comes to you. And so all the 9, 10 years I had of just learning the deen came back to me in that moment. So this is one of the things that I say to children who don't understand. They don't feel the spiritual side of Islam because they're young and life's great.
I say to them, still learn, because you don't know the moment you're going to drop or everything that you learnt, and you didn't know why you were learning, is going to come back to you and it's going to rescue you, it's going to save your life. So when your mom tells you "Go to madrasa," when your mom tells you, "Go on, go to your Islamic studies lesson, go." And for reverts, learn. You can't just become Muslims. "Oh, I believe in Allah." No. Go and learn. Study the deen, study it hard. Study it every day, even if it's a little bit. Because when you drop, the shaitan is going to come to you and try and take you away.
And then all of your learning, all of a sudden it's going to hit you and it's going to save you. And it saved me that day. There are other examples I can say to you and honestly on camera, I'll say to you, there were times where I wanted to harm myself. An example, I remember being in my bathroom and I was looking at my face, and I hated it, and I wanted to harm myself. Worst thing to be in the bathroom because you can't even say auzubillah minashaitan nirajeem in the bathroom. Never go into the bathroom when you're feeling down. But anyway. And then I heard a voice, like in my head saying, "Look out the window!" And looked out the window, and I saw the sky. And I ran downstairs.
And I opened my doors. And I went into the garden, and I looked up at the sky, and I looked up at the heavens, because I remember the ayat in the Quran... I think it's in the Quran. Or it could be a hadith. Allah (swt) says that "For those who believe, they just have to look up at the sky, and it's a sign for them." And I dropped on my knees and begged Allah, "Ya Allah, keep me in the deen." This is freedom. This is contentment. Where you don't need to rely on anyone else. You don't need anybody else. You need Allah (swt) in your life. And that's what I did. And so I haven't harmed myself because I have Allah.
So among the moments of your 14 year of life of Muslim, what was the moment that you needed your family the most, that you, you know, but you couldn't have them? Difficulty in the marriage. I'd needed my dad. I needed his protection. I needed his security. Every woman needs at least a brother, like I needed, like, my brother in that time. That's what I missed the most. The security, the protection of a mahram at every point in your life. Look, this thing, like... "Oh, women, we don't need men." Come on. Of course you do. When you lose the men in your life, then you'll realize, yeah, I do need a man in my life. My mom, missed her the most when I was having my children.
I missed her, actually, when I started working as well, because my mom is like... She's a power woman. I wanted to learn from her, but Alhamdulillah I have really good memories and I spent a lot of time with my mom when she became that power woman. So Alhamdulillah, I still have her teachings. I still live a lot by the teachings of my parents because it's not against Islam, so why not? I think for every revert out there, I think it's important to acknowledge that you can love your family. The Prophet Mohammad (saw) loved His uncle. For me, I would say to my parents that I love you, I respect you. I'm still a part of you. Your blood is in me. Your teachings are still in me.
I haven't rejected everything you taught me. That's impossible. You are my role models. You are everything to me. And I would do anything to sit with you again. To be with you again. The only thing I can't do is put you before Allah. So have you ever experienced an extraordinary event where you felt that you had a special connection with Allah? I think I explained so many difficulties in my life. Please let me tell you the blessings that Allah has given me. Alhamdulillah. Look, there's... I'll describe two moments. There was a time when I was really struggling, okay? There's so many times I've struggled. Subhanallah.
You know, someone said to me, "Look, when you're struggling, go to your children when they're sleeping and just watch them sleep." And I did that. So this was at a time again when I was just ready to give up in life. Where I was, you know, self-hating and thinking that I was a burden on people. Anyway. And I went to my daughter's room first, and she was about 11 by then, but she still, when she sleeps, she still looks like my five year old. Subhanallah. You know, my daughter. This is my daughter. Allah (swt) has given me a daughter. Allah (swt) put a soul in this dunya through me. And I went to my boys' room, and, you know, they were fast asleep.
And I thought to myself again, the ayat from Surah Mulk. "Little thanks do they give." I thought, how am I complaining? How am I self-hating when Allah (swt) has given me such a blessing, my three children. And in that moment I felt so close to Allah because I appreciated Him. Because I gave shukr to Him and that made me feel closer to Him. What impressed you the most about our Prophet (saw)? His character, always His character. Always His character, His treatment of women first. His treatment of women when He didn't want to speak to the man who doesn't kiss his daughter. The fact that He would allow His wives to have emotions, to have feelings and deal with it in the best way.
The fact that He didn't go to the companion's dinner because he didn't invite His wife Aisha. Everything, His gentleness, His justice when dealing with His wives, His, you know, softness at home and then His strength on the battlefield. You know, His vulnerability when He was in Taif, when He went for help. And instead, look what happened to Him. The fact that He can cry. Men, now, they think, you know, "We can't cry. We've got to be these big..." No, He cried. You know, we talk about gender and what's a man, what's a woman. You know, look at the Prophet Muhammad (saw). You know, right now I'm reading His Seerah by Yasir Qadhi and every paragraph, I'm learning something.
What an incredible book. I tell everyone to read it. Everything you know, from the point on His deathbed, Aisha (ra)'s complaining about her headache, she's complaining about her headache, and He makes a joke and says, "No, but what about my headache? I'm dying, you know?" And Subhanallah, it's... It's everything He went through, so that we could be better people and get to Jannah. It's all His sacrifices with His family, with His wealth, all the tests He went through. For what? For us. What was your purpose in your life before Islam, and what is it after Islam? Gosh, my purpose is to go home. I want to go home to Allah. Go home. I just want to go home.
And I want Allah (swt) to give me my family when I'm there. And that's my whole purpose. Ya Allah, give me my family. It's just dunya. That's what I tell myself all the time. It's just dunya. It's just dunya. You're not in it forever. Just want to go home. Lastly, what would you like to say to people who are watching you, whose hearts are getting closer to Islam, but afraid of the reactions of their relatives or close circle? Have your end goal in mind. Your end goal is... Even if you've got an atom's worth of iman, even if you feel it a little bit, your end goal is to reach Paradise. If you genuinely believe that, you know, that there's a God, I'd say first thing to do is educate yourself.
Hold on to that tiny bit that you've got and learn. Don't let the shaitan come and take that little bit you have and take it away, because he will try so hard in the early stages. The shaitan will come to you so heavily to try and pull you back. So learn, educate yourself. Have goals for yourself. See your target in your head. And I will tell you I had, like, voices in my head. Sometimes I'm having conversations in my head where there's the negative voice and then there's a good voice, and sometimes that's what you have to do. You've got to say it out loud, you know?
"Ya Allah, I need your help." "Guide me on the Sirat al-Mustaqim." If you're, you know, you have questions, "Should I, should I not, because of my family's reaction?" Know that you're going to die alone. You know your family's not going to be there for you when you're raised on the Day of Judgment. If you're not at the point of believing in the Day of Judgment, because some people aren't, yeah? Then think to yourself, what benefit am I having in this world from my family? What benefit am I having from, you know, spirituality, believing in God? I would say at that point the most important thing is to learn. Just keep learning because you'll get there.
And have sincere intention in your heart that you want to get there. Allah says, "Take a step to me, don't stand still." If you're thinking about being Muslim, take one more step forward and Allah will come running to you.